A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ive asked for help on this site before and do appreciate any insight on my issue. im a 48 year old female living with a 30 year old male. the issue is sex... he wont touch me and says its not me. i cant help to think that it is. he has made many excuses as to why, such as stress, having only one kidney, ex wife, son, work, my age, just not attracted to me anymore. we have been together for almost a year and really the sex has not been there since day one i could probably count on my fingers and toes how many times we have been intimate. i know sex isnt the main thing for a relationship but when there has not been any in over 6 months, being the older person makes you feel older, ugly, and just not good enough. i used to think it was my money that turned him on because when i got my check from my ex that was when we would be intimate. but i dont get that income anymore, than again thats when the sex completly stoped. im a successful manager now and make better money than he does. but sex is still null and void. every time i try to talk to him about the issue. he avoids it and tells me he loves me, he dont want anyone else nor is he looking. just recently he has started dieting and losing weight, he has always had a beard and shaved it off when he started his new job a week ago. told me he just need some changes. he tells me that i congering things up in my head that dont exist, that he is not a cheater nor has he ever cheated, but he is a huge flirt, always calling girls babe, or honey. lately it seems like he is always finding things to hurt my feelings, like i snore like a 80 year old man, i have alergies and he has been making fun of me coughing, seems like i cant drive right, or do laundry right. or even facial expressions i make. i dont want to be parinoid, and i want to trust him, coming out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago being left for someone else made it hard to get back out here. i just need to be appreciated and desired by the man i love and want to talk to him about it. but he tells me that he will not live his life being accused of cheating and if i cant just leave it alone than theres the door. my head tells me i deserve better but my heart wants him. Why??? I DONT KNOW... he has never paid a bill since we have been together, has not bought me anything he seems to be all about himself. very confident man. he tells me that im not confident and that he wants the woman who walked through his door 2 years ago. ive not changed but he has. he used to do things for me small things like draw me a bath brush the hair out of my face. but know if i want attention i have to go to him to get it. he dosnt just come to me. please dont come on here and judge me and tell me i have issues for being with a younger man. i never dreamed i would be with someone younger, but i fell in love. but i just cant help but feeling like there is someone else that he is seeing or getting it from, and perhaps its time to cut my losses and move on. i got over a 20 year marriage break up and it almost killed me. i dont want to wait another year or two because the longer i wait the harder its going to get. im tired of the its his loss, you deserve better crap... just want to know what the hell im doing that i cant get a man to love me the way i love them. and cant for the life of me figure out why he is not sleeping with me. and dont say i gross him out he slept with me earlier in our relationship, just not like rabbits. i happen to be a very pretty woman, so i have been told by others both men and women. and i damn sure dont look my age. ive ran everything through my head and cannot figure it out so thats why im on here to maybe possably get someone that could shed some light. im just not comfortable in the relationship with him because, we hug we kiss, sleep in the same bed, but intimacy is not there for him. and i stay sad, and depressed all the time because of it. need a light bulb.....help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2015):
 Dear OP, he told you he is not attracted to you anymore- and you call this an " excuse " ?!
Well, if it is an excuse ( i.e., not a real reason but an invented one )- it's the best excuse EVER for not having sex !
I am not attracted to you = I won't have sex with you. Of course people can sort of close their eyes and think of England, and be able to do the deed ( although for a male it is technically more difficult to conjure up an erection from an uncooperative penis ) , but one would think that this effort of will would detract a lot from the experience and make it a job, rather than a pleasure, so no wonder that one tries to weasel out of it as much as humanly possible.
And this does not mean that you are not an attractive woman, or that you can't attract other men, even much younger men.Just, that this particular young man is not physically attracted to you, makes no mysteries about it, says it in words, confirms it in actions, and he's with you for whatever reasons ( mostly, or only ,money and convenience, it seems to me, but let's give him the benefit of doubt, let's say affection, friendship, emotional stability etc. ) , for whatever reasons BUT physical attraction. What is he supposed to do , to make you understand that he does not want to have sex with you ?!
If you want to keep him around anyway ( which is very unwise, but, you can choose to be unwise if you want ) then do, but come to terms with reality which is : he is no fan of yours in terms of physical passion. Penises are strong willed little creatures, and you can coax them only up to a certain point in doing what's expected from them. Beside that point, they will shake " no no no " their stubborn little heads, no matter how many non-physical enticements and rewards you can bestow on them.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 March 2015):
From what I read here this relationship is making you feel like crap. He is saying and doing things that hurry you, most likely knowing they will hurt you.
So why are you putting up with it? You can find love with someone that will make you feel desired and however else you want to feel. Don't tolerate someone who does this to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 March 2015):
 You need to take back your power here. If he lives with you.. give him 30 days to move out. If you live with him, then MOVE out.
He is FULL of crap. He says it's NOT you, it's him - but he points out all kind of nitpicked faults? like your age, you snore like an 80 year old man, you cough, can't drive right...
HE is TEARING you down. Trying to make you think that you CAN'T do better than him. And I think that is why you "think" you want to BE with him. Because you actually believe this guy.
He is USING you. Financially. I bet you he even calls you his "room mate" if people ask. But you aren't his room mate, you are his "sugar momma".
YOU CAN NOT BUY love. Paying for everything doesn't make him love OR respect you more.
Why can't you find a guy who loves you like you deserve? I don't know. Maybe because you settle for a guy like this? One that doesn't respect you, only takes not give, doesn't REALLY love you, but uses you.
I get it, who wants to be alone? But seriously is it better being MADE to feel like you are "not good enough" then be by yourself and PROUD of who you are?
You can't FIX these issues. He will NOT turn around and start wanting to help pay bills, he will NOT start wanting to have sex again or TREAT you with decency and respect. IT IS NOT going to happen.
He is treating you like a mother more then a partner. You take care of him, he takes care of HIM. He acts like a SPOILED BRAT OF 13.
Sorry, honey I think you deserve SO much more.
I have an ex-SIL (my BIL's ex wife) now I don't LIKE the woman (for many reasons, but that is irrelevant) however, SHE remarried after their divorce to a guy who treated her like dirt, who cheated on her, did drugs and stole from her. Her daughters finally got her to realize that IF she stayed WITH HIM she would lose them and herself. So she "woke" up and smelled the coffee, divorce the dude and when he started to stalk and harass her, she got a Protective Order. Well the man did something and ended up in jail (told you, he is no good) and when he got out, he "sweet-talked" her into taking him back, claiming he is a changed man blah blah blah. But it's the same all over. She is NOT a "bad" lady, or "bad" looking - she could DO a LOT better than him. NO DOUBT. BUT she doesn't believe that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2015):
 I am 55 my husband is 41 so I get the younger man thing and won't bash you for that.
I will bash you for being a doormat and taking his abuse.
does he live with you or do you live with him?
yes you need to get out of this relationship. You are not happy and it's not meeting your needs.
I suggest that a. you stop paying any of his bills or expenses
b. stop rowing the relationship boat... do not ask him for anything, do not do anything for him, do not try to make him happy... keep the focus on yourself and take care of yourself. Once you stop paying his bills, doing his laundry, cleaning up after him or preparing his meals he should get the message and it will be easier to leave him
he is not as into you are you are into him... maybe it's his age or maybe not...does not matter... what matters is you are not happy and he's not contributing to the relationship in a meaningful way.
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A
female
reader, lions go rawr +, writes (19 March 2015):
Wait, what? Back up. He said it's 'not you', but makes excues of it being 'your age' and 'just not attracted to you anymore'? How is that him not blaming you? I'm not saying this is your fault, because it is his. However, he is clearly blaming you. And no man is stressed enough about an ex and a son to not want to have sex, unless he's fresh from the divorce, which he obviously isn't. Secondly, you mentioned it being the money. If you two only had sex when you got that big check from your ex husband, it sounds like you're dead on the nail. It's awfully suspicious that every time you two had sex was specifically when you got paid a lot. Just curious, but how much of that money was spent on him? Do you still spend most of your money on him? If your first answer was 'most of it', and the second was 'no', it's pretty clear he's only been in it for the money. Girls do that sort of thing all the time, and it only makes sense that there are guys out there who do it too. You mentioned he flirts alot with other girls. Does he also call you by these 'pet names'? If not, that's a huge red flag. The fact that he's suddenly trying to look better is also suspicious. I understand needing to look more professional in work envionments, and even dieting for one's own health benefits, but it sure was sudden. It's possible that getting a job was just the kick in the butt he needed, but the timing is coincidental enough to fit in with the possibility that he's scouting for someone new, or trying to impress a girl on the side. The fact that he avoids questions about the issues in your relationship only adds to the suspicion. I understand no one wants to talk about sore topics, but they cannot always be avoided if one wishes to make it long-term. If you've told him that, then he's avoiding them for a reason. If you haven't, try bringing up in that context and see how he reacts. Sometimes, men are just insensitive and clueless. Maybe this is me just being spiteful, but the next time you feel he's being overly mean, throw it back at him. You snore too loud? Ok, he can sleep on the couch while you take the bed. Or you can wake him up when he starts snoring and tell him to quiet down. When he get sick and starts coughing or sneezing, let him know how disgusting it is and how he should sound more difnified while he's ill. If you can't drive right, why doesn't he drive all the time? If he doesn't want to or can't for any reason, he shouldn't complain. Beggars cannot be choosers. If he hates how you do his laundry, tell him to do it himself and stop doing his laundry. He has no reason to complain about how you do your own. And he'll likely start appreciating how you do his when he has to start doing it himself. Then when he makes fun of your expressions, make one you know is ugly or funny and ask if that's any better. Sometimes a little snark is all you need to cure a bad attitude. Also, how are you accusing him of cheating? Unless you blatantly tell him that, he has no reason to bring it up. Actually, it's very suspicious that he'd come to that conclusion unless you've actually said he was cheating. That is a red flag. If you've accused him of cheating, then talk to him again, but make it clear that you don't think he's acting shady. Just let him know that you've been feeling some distance between the two of you, and would like to get closer. Tell him that you need to feel better appreciated, respected, and loved. Maybe he doesn't realize just how far this has gone, or feels like you're blaming him instead. Unfortunately, it's hard to get through to guys if their needs aren't being met first. It's unfair at times, but an easy fix if you can put your own needs to the side for a little while. If you want a fix to all this, you will have to talk to him. The most important thing is to not accuse, or sound accusatory, even though you're rightfully suspicious. If he brings up the confidence crap, explain to him that while you may have seemed confident, you don't really feel that way, and never will if you feel berated by the way he acts to you. Explain that you need supportive love and tender affection to be that confident woman. You're not blaming him, only asking for him to put in more effort. In return, you'll have to do your part and give him what he feels is lacking in the emotional side. (buying him gifts is not helping his emotions. while it might make him feel special, it's also superficial and a red flag.) If he does not recieve this talk well, or isn't willing to change. Or worse, if he says he will change and doesn't show some significant changes within one week, it's time to cut your loss. If he doesn't want to lose you, he'll buck up quickly and start showing effort immediately. If he doesn't, he never cared as much as he claims. While you said you're sick of hearing it, you do deserve better. If he doesn't change and you choose to pursue other relationships in the future, give yourself time to heal from the last two. You deserve a guy who will show his affections to you and treat you well even after the honeymoon phase has worn off. You owe it to yourself to find happiness, whether that's with a man or by yourself. Best of luck to you. Truly hope things work out in your favor.
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