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There are times I feel like he lacks the curiosity to understand me

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 May 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 2 May 2015)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Is he just not understanding my love wants? Or am I not understanding what good boundaries are?

My love language is Quality Time and Acts of Service. I don't know my boyfriend's, he hasn't taken the test or told me if he already knows. So I do feel like I am misunderstood at times when I interact with my boyfriend. On top of that, I lost my Dad about a year ago and haven't given myself time to go to a councilor because I've been stressed about school and making sure I spend time with my boyfriend (especially since it's once a week). So I know I emotional have put a lot of stress on my boyfriend since he's really the only guy I talk to in real life (besides my teachers when I need to take care of assignments).

For two months, I didn't feel a spark when kissing my boyfriend. However, yesterday, I was able to feel happy while kissing him. So I know the spark is coming back, I just wish I didn't have to drive home (10 hour drive). I won't be able to see him until September, when college starts up again.

Anyways, we talked about random things to silly things as he drove us to Avengers 2. Eventually I started talking about how playful I feel and wanted to tickle him, then laugh while saying that this would be the worst time to tickle him. He agreed with me then added that tickling him at the dinner table that Easter meal would be after that.

I know I was very playful at that time because I had found his tickle spots just before the meal. I tickled him before his mom said that food was ready, stop tickling him until everyone was done eating their food and were now eating the candy decorations on the table. I stopped when he told me to stop then. So him bring up that me being playful then was a bad thing hurt my feelings a bit. I didn't tell him how it hurt, but I did make the sad whine of "Yeah" when he asked if I remembered the moment he was taking about.

It was quiet for a sort time until he asked about how next Semester looked for me.

I want to know and understand everything about him, but there are times I feel like he lacks the curiosity to understand me. Is this my fault for not understanding good boundaries? Or is it a lack of understanding each other's language and wants? This is all I need to know.

View related questions: acne, kissing, my teacher, spark

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015):

I think you should read your post to yourself, and go back and rewrite what it is you have a problem with. In its present format, it makes little sense.

You don't judge a person's feelings for you by any silly test or formula; only by how they treat you and talk to you. How generously they give you affection, and standby you during "certain" (not all) bad-times. Sometimes they don't know how; because they are awkward in certain situations. That's only human. Sometimes females expect far too much from a guy. Expecting him to soothe all of their pains and insecurities. Sometimes you have to reach from inside to find your own strength.

A guy's actions and the consistency of his behavior towards you are what you go by. If he doesn't fulfill your needs, he's the wrong guy for you. You don't try to change him; instead, you replace him with someone able to give you what you want and need. You're not everything he wants either. Nobody's perfect, and it isn't always about what you want in the relationship. He may not tell you; because guys don't emotionalize verbally. They don't have to give you a grocery list to know he wants you to be kind, loving, patient, and affectionate. A guy tries to be manly. He hopes you can figure it out. It's mostly instinct and spontaneous anyway. Not measured or calculated. Most people want back what they give; and if the don't get it, they move on. Most guys don't like drama, or a lot of outpouring of emotion. You'll learn as you get older.

Sometimes people don't know what to say or do when you are in bereavement over the death of a loved-one. Dealing with your fluctuating emotions caused by grief is too much to handle for someone with no experience with such things.

No one can talk your grief away. They can only say kind words, and that's the extent of it. Knowing from my own experience, there is little anyone can say or do that really comforts me when someone I love has died. Only time can help and heal. Counseling allows you to vent how you feel, but the healing comes with time. You will always miss the lost loved-one, but you learn to live with their absence in your life. Your mind comes to accept that it is final. In this life anyway.

If your boyfriend isn't playful, perhaps he's just too serious for your personality-type. I hate being tickled. It's not funny for everyone.

An eighteen year-old guy isn't going to wait nearly five months to see you in the fall. He'll find someone else in the meantime. Your emotions are all over the place, and that's your problem. It's not really your boyfriend. He doesn't know what's really wrong with you. Your post explains some of it; but not too clearly.

If you need professional grief-counseling, it might be good to seek it sooner, rather than later. Your grief and moods directly effect how you perform in school; and how you interact with, and relate to, other people. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your father so young. I lost my mother about your age, and it was devastating. It took me awhile, but my dad helped my siblings and me through the worst of it. Look to your mother for the comfort your boyfriend doesn't really have the experience or the closeness to provide. Sometimes you can only get that kind of comfort from family.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (2 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntAre you feeling he lacks the curiosity because he didn't take the love language test, and failed to sense that you were hurt when he told you to stop tickling him, or understand that after a sad time in your life, your desire to be playful is to tell him that you are alive again and ready to have fun? I see that besides quality time and acts of service, you have a great need for words of expression too.

To say it's your fault sounds too strong. At times you may worry that you love him more than he loves you, but with a long distance relationship and limited time together what you need is the confidence that you are both in this for long term. The 5 love languages of love can be used as a guideline but because you don't spend all the time with him, his behaviour when there is family around is not a good reflection of how he really feels with you.

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