A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We have some good friends who are smart, friendly adults. The only thing is, they seem to never clean their bathroom. For instance the toilet is often disgusting. My theory is that since they both grew up in a different country, perhaps their home culture did not put much value in clean bathrooms. I worry that a lot of Americans might not want to go back to their house because of the bathroom issue. I suggested to my wife that we send them a gentle, anonymous letter about it, but she doesn't like the idea. What do you think?Thanks! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (13 September 2014):
 Do you know anyone else who has been brave enough to venture inside the Turdis of late? Any mutual friends to ask for their thoughts. As the Anon Female wisely suggests, you may be the only one who has gone back for a second sitting, as it were, and it would be pretty obvious if you were to write an anon note if you are the only visitor. In fairness it doesn't sound like the kind of household where one would feel at home or want to spend much time. Although personally it sounds just like my own bathroom. Home from home as they say.
How is their kitchen? Do you eat there? If they don't keep the bathroom clean then imagine the germs happily making a day trip from the toilet pan to the frying pan, or the bog roll to a ham roll. I would avoid the homemade sausages.
Sure some things are best sent via anonymous notes of course: death threats, subscriptions to Razzle, replies to adverts for penis enlargement devices (never work do they) and of course pictures of deodorants to co-workers who fail to keep their armpits spick n span.
But if you insist on going back, in this instance I suggest a plastic lunchbox and matching flask. They look anonymous and are air tight - Fine for slipping upstairs to a cupboard or bedroom to, ahem, empty an orifice. That way you can avoid the horror of standing in a puddle of stale pee when giving your prostate a work out.
Or perhaps one of those white all in one outfits they use in forensics and some breathing apparatus? Problem solved. If anyone questions it just say you are training to be on CSI. You will have no problem finding clues and samples!
I must admit not liking using other peoples toilets for the reasons you have stated and for fear my own mess will be an issue. Why oh why is it a law of physics that dictates that when someone has had a brand new floor and wallpaper in their restroom I find myself unable to pee straight? What's worse is when some messy so and so comes round my house and messes up MY bathroom! Grrr! Some of the things left in my bathroom by some individuals would present a genuine danger to shipping (you know who you are!).
There are certain things that are friendship/relationship deal breakers with me - clammy, limp handshakes; nostril hair that looks like something one would pull to get a cucumber sandwich from Jeeves, unpolished shoes, badly fitting shirts, novelty socks and untidy lavatories. I afraid if anyone has one or more of the aforementioned its a case of being handed their friendship P45 without a months notice.
Mark
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): I agree with the below. Your intentions are good, however it's none of your business. If you can't say it to their face, don't say it at all.
Also think, what if you're the only person they've invited or invited in a while? Or the only person who's witnessed their bathroom like that? They'll know it's you.
I would be turned off by their lack of cleanliness too, but it's not my bathroom. I just won't go back again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, most of you are harsh! Perhaps I didn't write my question clearly enough, but I enjoy going to their house, but am worried that a lot of other people whom they want to be friends with will not return due to the very dirty bathroom.If it was me, I would want to know about a small change I could make that wouldn't scare lots of visitors away from my house.But I take the point that an anonymous note is not the way to go. [I also think some of you are quite wrong that anonymous notes are never a good idea. Perhaps this is an extreme example, but I have heard of murder cases being solved thanks to an anonymous note, since the writer didn't want to get tangled up in the case.]Oh, and Mark1978, I loved your answer!{Moderator note: Sorry OP -- your link to the article didn't work so it was deleted}
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): Waste of time they will probably throw it down the pan. Really it is none of your business what their toilet is like, if you don't like it then don't use it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (11 September 2014):
Dear OP,
I fully agree with your wife.
My grandmother always used to say: "If you can't say it in that persons' face, don't say it at all". I think that's a good rule to live by: You either have the courage to say what you've got to say, or you are discrete enough to leave people alone. Writing an anonymous letter is, at least to me, an act of cowardice and it does not help to solve any problem. Those people might feel hurt and deeply irritated when they receive a note about someone critizising an intimate part of their home - a part only a friend or acquaintance could know! They may spend hours thinking about who could have written it, and it might make them feel uncomfortable in their own house or whenever they invite someone over, wondering if this is the author of that note.
If those friends of yours are really good friends, then you either accept them as they are, or you trust that they might still like you, even after you addressed this sensitive topic. But be prepared that if you criticize others, you must also be able to digest what they have to criticize about you. None of us is perfect..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2014):
 I have many friends who are smart and personable and outgoing and good friends who were born in the USA and have nasty bathrooms.
Some folks just have different standards than others.
IF their level of cleanliness is not up to your standards then have them to your home only.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 September 2014):
 No, that would be pretty RUDE. Besides I have met a LOT of Americans who doesn't clean to my Mom (and my standards) and I certainly do NOT send them notes on how to clean their house or bathrooms.
My BIL for instance has 2 GROWN daughters living with him and half the time his house is a pigsty because the young women think they are ABOVE the simple chores of cleaning.
It has nothing to do with culture.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (11 September 2014):
Ah my favourite topic....toilets. I never did grow out of the pooh stage!!
What they do with their toilet is their business my friend. Personally if I had received a note, anon or otherwise, suggesting my lavatorial hygiene was not up to "American Standards" I would not be very happy.
You also make it sound as if you are assuming it is a culture issue and that you worry "a lot of americans" wouldn't want to go back to their house. Im sure there are plenty of Americans, and indeed every other nationality, who fail to clean up properly when they miss the boat. Its probably less a cultural thing, and more a lack of self respect which is their business.
What they chose to do with their own bathroom is up to them BUT I do see an issue. If you are invited around and need to, ahem, take a comfort break, you don't want to be knee deep in someone elses' mess. I do hope they wash their hands.
That said, attitudes to toilets (or bathrooms/restrooms as they are called in the US) do vary by country and culture. Here in the UK we love toilet humour! All that stiff upper lip business goes straight out the window where personal business is concerned. Personally its my favourite subject...how much do you want? 5000 words? 10 thousand? Yet, from what im led to believe, American culture prefers to avoid such discussions or humour as crass and offensive and prefers the term "restroom" to our more amusing "bog", "lav", "toilet", "loo", "poining percy at the porcelain" or "curling one out". You don't hear Joey on Friends talking about his bowel movements in the way the late Rik Mayall would in "Bottom" or "the young ones". Neither do you hear Ted Dansons character in Cheers coming out of the restroom and saying "I wouldn't go in their for a few minutes if I were you!" (hence I don't watch US sitcoms).
Anyway - when you say the bathroom is disgusting do you mean as in dust, mouldy walls and broken tiles? Or do you mean that you have to perch on the end of the seat to avoid a buttock full of someone elses' splatter? If its the latter then maybe avoid going to their place or hold it in if you do go round. If its the former then I wouldn't worry about it.
If you do have to venture into the room of doom, just remember - there are more germs on the average smart phone than the average toilet seat so you will be just fine.
Now where is my mop and bucket??
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): I don't think it's a bad idea actually, although I fear it might not make any difference. These people must have been at others houses and noticed their hygiene levels don't really match up, so it seems as though they are happy with their level of cleanliness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): This is a hard situation. I don't think a note would be right so I think a direct conversation is best. But it will be difficult if not impossible to bring this up without insulting them. I would not return to someone's home who had a filthy toilet, that is very unsanitary. I mean really filthy in as: they never clean the toilet- ever, not nitpicking over being completely spotless. You can be messy and a bit cluttered but a dirty toilet/bathroom/kitchen and so on is not acceptable for me nor for most others.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 September 2014):
 I think it's none of your business, they invited you to their home and you're not sounding like a gracious guest. I also find the anonymous note a little passive aggressive. If you were really looking out for them you could have a conversation where words would be less likely misconstrued, depending on how you handle it.
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