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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been married coming up on two years and sex has become a bit of a problem. We do it fairly regularly but she wants it rough and dirty. I am more than happy to oblige but when the act starts i have trouble getting into it. I slip into the "making love" mode and have trouble shifting to the "dirty hard fucking" that she wants. Sometimes i think that the fact i love her so much and see her as the personification of my happiness gets in the way of having fantastic sex. What do i do to see my wife as a whore and a slut when she wants dirty sex, and as the love of my life, when she wants to make love? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Well ......think of a woman who is slutty and really turns you on.....how does that woman dress, what does she look like, etc.......then ask your wife to dress up like her....role playing is a great turn on for lots of people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks India.
Things seem to be going well. I seem to be doing the things that my wife likes though we are still making love too so I am happy. That was one of the things i was worried about.
I am trying to be positive too and not take this change as a negative reflection on my sexual performance in the past. Erin said that she hasnt had this many orgasms in years, which my initially reaction would have taken to mean before we started dating (ie with someone else). She had a number of lovers before we started dating (including a couple of black guys which of course i assumed meant they were huge) and we actually met through one of them. I guess that has always made me a little negative regarding my performance plus the fact i have had far less experience (Erin is the only person i have had sex with, though i have done other things with some earlier girlfriends). Is this a natural reaction to this situation?
We have talked about this and she has told me all about them because she said she wanted to be open and honest which was really good of her. I just want to make her happy in every way and im starting to think i may have finally figured out (thanks to your help) how to take care of her sexual needs. And this has helped my attitude regarding my experience.
Thanks again and stay tuned for more questions.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  + ♥, writes (23 May 2007):
 Any question, any time. We'll always be here to answer!!
Hope things are going well!
xxIndia
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right Juliette. I did really enjoy it and it think part of the guilt was confusion about me treating my wife like she is just a piece of meat and then her thanking me for it. I know what i got out of it (and yes i enjoyed it very very much) and i think i should be the one thanking her. But it seems she enjoyed being used even more than i enjoyed using her so i guess it makes sense. Its just going to take time for me to get used to this.
I dont know about wax yet india but i will keep it in mind. Make sure you all keep an eye out here because i dont doubt i will have more questions and more concerns. That seems my style :)
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female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (27 April 2007):
 I'm glad i was able to be of help! :0)
as India said, please ask her what it is about being treated like a whore that she likes, letting her know you feel guilty about it and asking her these things should help you allivate the guilt. I susspect that it makes her feel sexy, and that she likes feeling dirty and being "punished" because its a huge turn on for her, it excites her profusely. I know you feel guilty, and this is because it is hard for you to treat someone you love so much in a manner you view as degradeing, and theres nothing wrong with feeling this for it means you are a good person with good morals. However, the fact that she WANTS you to do this, and begs you to do this, and thanks you so much for it afterwards means that you don't need to feel guilty because you are NOT demeaning her, in reality you are pleaseing her, you are makeing her happy and fullfilled. This is probably going to be a bit difficult for you because you have had these views for so long and it does seem wrong... bit you have to remember and realize that its not wrong because you have her consent (and begging!). Anything done between consenting adults, esspicaly those who love eachother, is always ok. It is thus only wrong if you did this to her and she hated it, didnt want it, and/or was unwilling. You shouldn't feel guilty for doing what your wife wanted you to do to her and what she so obviously enjoys! however.... perhaps what you are feeling more guilty about is not how you treated her... but the fact that you actually really enjoyed it? Perhaps you are actually disgusted by yourself for enjoying something that seems so barbaric and more animalistic? For this, i can only assure you that sex, and esspicaly fantasy play is supposed to be enjoyable, and really, how could you not enjoy seeing your wife so turned on, sexualy wild and hot, and just begggging you to cumm all over her? You have no reason to feel bad for "playing" a "bad" guy.... and enjoying it. I think its a very basic and extremly common thing to (in fact i bet everyone, male or female) enjoy being in control sexualy... theres something powerful and wonderful in feelign this... but it dousnt mean your a rapest, or any other such thing! Just like those who enjoy (and once agian i bet everyone does) being the submissive one in sex, feeling as though they have no "power" and are thus soemones captive sexual toy. Theres just soemthing arouseing about knowing you can have your way with someone, as well as arouseing to know you are the one who is haveing things done to you. It is extremly common in sexual play and soemthing i belive is part of our basic human nature. Perhaps if you switched off the roles of domminate and submissive (meaning you are the one being tied up, etc with her doing whatever she wants to you) it would be easier for you to understand and enjoy these types of role playing.
But indeed, do talk with your wife and ask her what it is, and everything involved, that gets her so hot and turned on by this type of sexual fantasy so you can better understand it and perhaps not feel as guilty. Also, you have to remember that just because you enjoyed it, it dosunt make you a bad person or soem type of monster deep down. These two things, her enjoying it and begging, and you enjoying it as well, is something you are just going to have to accept. You will have to change your mindset if you ever want to stop feeling guilty about this. If you are still finding it hard to accpet after maybe a month of roleplaying, switching dominant roles, and also haveing lots of regular and loveing sex, then perhaps seeing a real sex theripist/counsulor either by youself or with your wife, to work through these emotions.... perhaps you have some deeper set fear influenced by things in your past or people you have known. However, i am sure that you will beable to work through these emotions on your own, and this is mostly because you have had this sexual play and had lots of fun! I'm very proud of you for trying all of these things, you are deff. faster paced then my own b/f is on the road of being comfertable with a dominate postion. (im a bit jelouse, haha)
cheers!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (27 April 2007):
Just adding in my two cents, if you do go for candle wax, get some from an adult store. Most regular candlle wax will really burn the hell out of you.... but they have lots of wax that doesn't burn your skin... useable for all your dirty fantasies!
I'm glad that you two had fun last night, and it sounds like she really enjoyed herself. For you, it's the guilt. Have you talked to her about this? I think she can tell you more clearly than we why she likes it rough and dirty.
My guess is, I'll bet it's not that she doesn't like making love.... I'll bet she just likes to switch it up a little bit. I know that some nights I want it sort of rough, some nights I want to make love and some nights I want to get RAUNCHY. It's just a matter of trying new and exciting things.... the fun of feeling 'bad'. Spicing up your sex life is nothing to feel guilty about. Just remember that you're having FUN, you're PRETENDING that she is a "slut" and a "whore".
She knows as well as you do that you don't actually think she's any of these things... it just adds to the fun of the hardcore sex. I think she seems happier, because these rounds of sex can be a lot of fun and pretty exhilerating. It's different!!
Sex should always be FUN for everyone and you both should be open about talking to each other...
Alright... and remember what I said about the wax! I've burned the hell out of myself more than once using candles that aren't meant for skin contact. Be careful!!
Have fun, darlin'...
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (27 April 2007):
It just a fantasy. Really, there's nothing wrong with it. I doubt she'll want it like that all the time. Sometimes she want your loving caresses back....
Back to technique.... Invest an a bunch of scarves and keep them handy. Silk is great if you can afford them, otherwise stick to the polyester knock-offs. Use these to blind fold her, and tie her hands to the bedposts. You can tie her face up or face down. If you do it face down, you can take a belt and gently slap her with it. I say gently, because it is a game, you don't want her to end up in hospital... but you'll probably find you can do it a bit harder and a bit harder to get to the edge of where she can only just tolerate it.... but you want to do this in intervals with lots of loving kisses in between... but the loving kisses are not kisses of repentence -- while could be depending on the game you want to play, but you are her slave driver. You are in control. When she wants to you hit her, you can instead kiss her... give her the oposite of what she wants, to show YOU are the leader in it..
Just remember thought that it IS all fun. Tell her ahead of time to give you a particular word (or signal, if you have her muffled too...) that means she really wants to stop. If she's crying out stop, but you don't know if that's part of the game or not, you need to have her use a code word or something that means, Ok, I don't feel comfortable with that... that really really isn't what I had in mind... and then respect that. You may leave welts with the belt, but she'll enjoy looking at them later, knowing how good a time she had. You can experiment with hot candle wax as well... Anyway, there's lots you can do, and lots of fun to be had. Pain and pleasure are very close to each other, just like genius and insanity... Just make sure you know where and when to stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice Juliette. I told my wife that i had asked on here about our situation and she jumped at the chance when i suggested we might try a few of your ideas. And i think the act went well. She seemed pleased.
We brought a tight red lace corset for her to wear. It was very small and her breasts (34D) were popping out the top of it so it looked so hot. She also bought a blonde wig because she thought it might help which it did because it looked nothing like her.
She spent about a half an hour on the bed by herself with two dildos. Watching her do very bad things to herself totally turned me on. We ended up going for doggystyle and i did all the things she wanted. She was talking dirty so i recipricated as best i could (a first for me). I ended up cumming on her face and mouth (reluctantly) because she was beggin me too.
But then it set in again, the guilt. The sex was fantastic but afterwards i felt really guilty. What was worse was the fact she started thanking me profusely. She was thanking me for treating her badly. She hadnt even cleaned off her face when she started thanking me. This was last night and this morning i got breakfast in bed which she hasnt done in ages and i feel even more guilty now.
Can someone please explain why she seems happier after i have treated her like a whore than after we make love. Does she prefer being treated like a slut, does it make her feel like a woman or is it just about the sexual release?? Please help. Im even more confused now.
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (26 April 2007):
yes, doggy style would be perfect! And as said, any type of bondage would also be good.
so you don't have any fantasys? Try thinking back to when you were younge and what really turned you on then. Some other common ones besides schoolgirl/teacher, are cheerleader, "bunny" (like playboy), nurse, secretary, french maid, camper/girlscout, some type of fairy tale, a farmer girl, and profession type ones (like mailperson, army, racer, mobster, police, etc). Of course there are tons of other ones too! I would suggest looking at some online sites that sell adult sexy costumes so you can see diffrent possabilities and what you think would look great on your wife and turn you on the most. Also, don't forget to cheack out lingerie as well! Maybe a ruffly and lacy baby doll with a garter belt and thigh highs with bows is your thing, or perhaps something more extream like a leather "teddy" and whips. You should deffitnitly explore diffent costumes and sexy lingerie on some websites though. And as i suggested before, there are many websites with sexual/kinkey stories (ment as a form of porn) that you can read to get a better idea of how to act/turn your wife on, and ideas for sexual "play." I bet there are even websites that would teach you how to talk dirty to your wife, etc.
and as for watching your wife, i don't see how that could do any harm. it would probably excite you to see her get off, as well as get ideas of how she likes things done.
so try exploreing some diffrent things and have fun! :0)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there a particular position that will make it easier? Im thinking Doggy because i cant see her face, can pull her hair, slap her on the ass and grab her tits, which are the type of things she wants me to do to her. Is that the idea?
She also suggested that i watch her do things to herself with some of her toys and treat herself badly to like show me that its ok. Is that a good idea?
Finally, she suggested that she wear a really slutty outfit to help as well. She doesnt have any at the moment and she asked me what i would like. I have no idea. I saw Juliette suggested teacher/student. Any other ideas?
Thanks for your help.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (25 April 2007):
I think that you should ask HER to take control. I'm loving the blindfold idea, that's fabulous. I do think that if she wants it hard, fast and rough - she should get on top and take it herself.
I think the hard & rough sex is harder to start up because it can feel weird. It's hard to get into that mindset, right? Maybe try putting on some metal music, or hard rock. Even if you're not really into listening to that kind of stuff regularly (which I'm not), it still sets a mood. It works, too! Put on some tunes (and put them on loud), that are hard and fast! Hip hop can work as well. If you need a tne to kick off your playlist, try "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry. That's one of my personal favorite crazy hard rough sex songs.
Try putting on some music and if you have a TV in your room, try turning on some hardcore porn too. That might help set the mood a little more. Get some fun sex toys and maybe drink a glass of wine or beer before hand?
After you're done doing "the nasty", laugh together and give eachother lots of kisses... you can be rough and call each other names while in the heat of the moment, but remember that it's all for fun and you love each other. Don't feel bad or guilty, just have a blast experimenting.
Good luck, sweetness!
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (25 April 2007):
First off, don't worry. You aren't the only guy who has had this problem... how do i know? because my own bf has had this problem!
First,
Try getting into roleplaying... such as you being a teacher and she being the student... it might help if you both start off slowly, with her sudecing you, untill you get comfertable with the roleplaying and can "punish" her for being such a "dirty little girl." The whole idea of role-playing is to act a part, so this might help since it makes it more of a game and less of "love-makeing." Please ask her to be patient, for it might take you awhile to get used to this all and feel comfertable in your "role." Keep in mind that this is not actually demeaning or hurting her, if it was she wouldn't be so happy about it, or turned on by it. So in reality you are respecting her by turning her on how she wants. She'll always be the good wonderfull women you love, and she will love and respect you more for doing what she wants (if it helps, you can pretend that she is makeing you you do, that you are her "love-slave"). there are many websites that list erotic and even fetish stories, reading soem of these might give you ideas of how you can act and things to say (also there are pornos, but reading might be better).
second,
you can try some bondage... blind folding her and tying her to the bed (wrestleing with her before this would probably be amazing to her). Once you have her tied up and/or blindfolded.... tell her she's your captive/sex slave, and that you are going to do what ever you want to her. This should allow you to beable to "make-love" while still makeing it kinkey. Talking dirty to her while doing this will also be good. When you are done "tortureing" her, then try to doing the "dirty hard fucking" maybe even forceing her onto her hands and knees for this. Just keep in mind that the "tortureing" is to bring her to the point right BEFORE she cums, and stopping, not letting her cumm. Do this over and over untill you think she is about to go crazy... thats when you turn her over and go crazy too.
of course, you should beable to have plenty of regular sex too, so let her know that lovemakeing is important to you, and that it can't always be the kinkey stuff.
I'm very proud of you for wanting to accomindate your wife's fantasies.
hope this helped! please feel free to meesege me if you have any more questions
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A
male
reader, mitch +, writes (25 April 2007):
Or maybe have yourself blindfolded! This way you won't see your loving wife, just feel this slut who is using you ;)
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Try blindfolding her. Maybe if you don't see her face, you will have an easier time treating her a bit rough.
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