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The thought of making love to my husband repulses me. Should I end the marriage?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Breaking up, Faded love, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 January 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been married to the "perfect" man for 15 years. We do not have children together (he has had a vasectomy) but he has children from his first marriage although they are now grown up. I have a job that I love (fitness instructor) but does not earn a fortune. We are, however, well off as he is 16 years older than me (he is 59, I am 42) and retired early from the city so is at home a lot. We have not had sex for 5 years. The thought of having sex with him repels me. He does absolutely everything for me (I am like his china doll or maybe another child). He is a great friend and I love him in that way, but the thought of him touching me makes me feel sick.... I am thinking of ending our marriage while we both still have time to find other loving partners and ending this make believe happy world we live in. I'm desparately unhappy but realise that I have everything anyone could want and shouldn't be unhappy, which makes me feel guilty too. Can you advise??

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A female reader, honkifuluvnicole United States +, writes (13 January 2008):

honkifuluvnicole agony auntI agree with Eddie on this one.

I feel as though it makes no sense.

You say that you found the perfect man, but you are unhappy with him?

So how can he be perfect for you? Maybe you mean that you found a kind man, but he isn't the one you are meant to be with. In that case, you just have to be reasonable with it all.

Discuss with someone, or on paper what is making you unhappy with him. Why you feel repulsed by him. It's only fair to give him actual IN DETAIL answers on why you want to leave him.

Try to figure that out, and then talk to him about it.

Best of luck.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (12 January 2008):

eddie agony auntYou feel guilty because you see that he treats you so well. Have you done the work to figure out why you're unhappy? From what you've said, you're the one with the issue and you're choosing to run away without attempting to fix it. To me, that would be more hurtful than the fact you're unhappy. That would hurt me more, to know I'm not worth the effort. I think you might be unhappy with yourself. If you don't find out why you're unhappy, what's going to happen with the next guy? Five years with no sex???? Has this not been a topic of interest in your house? It's not normal? Is he not frustrated? Does he try to have sex with you?

How are you going to break the news to him?

" I want to tell you I'm leaving. I'm unhappy and you repulse me. You're a great guy and a perfect husband but I'm unhappy"...

You see, it doesn't sound logical. What will the next guy offer that even compares to what your has given you? Based on your description of your husband, the new guy will only be able to offer less than the current "perfection" you're receiving.

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A female reader, worn the tshirt United Kingdom +, writes (12 January 2008):

worn the tshirt agony aunti myself was in your situation once and i had to end the marriage, as time went by that thought of being touched by him made me begin to hate him,i couldnt even look at him as i thought of my own happiness that was far more important, let him go be honest how you feel

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A female reader, 72rach United Kingdom +, writes (12 January 2008):

If you are unhappy then why carry it on? You love him as nothing more than a friend .. so make urself happy and finish it, then he can find someone who loves him as a partner.

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A female reader, worn the tshirt United Kingdom +, writes (12 January 2008):

worn the tshirt agony aunti myself was in your situation once and i had to end the marriage, as time went by that thought of being touched by him made me begin to hate him,i couldnt even look at him as i thought of my own happiness that was far more important, let him go be honest how you feel

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (12 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou can be surrounded with all those material things and yet you can be unhappy .We become unhappy when our desires are not met.The absence of love and romance can make our minds think in extremes.Our mind goes into a rejection mode.We demonise the other.

When you are out of love, the mere sight of him can make you want to puke, let alone being touched by him.It is love that makes everything beautiful.Even if he is severely deformed or hideous, you would not see it because of love.When you have love , you see the soul of that person and not the external man.

If we want to be happy , we need to forget ourself. If we think of ourself and our insatiable needs, we will never be happy with everything.

Happiness is in the attainment of our desires. If we renounced all our desires, we will not know what to be unhappy about.

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A male reader, emad khan Spain +, writes (12 January 2008):

emad khan agony auntI have a theory about love, that many of my friends and co-workers, just TOTALLY disagree with. Here it goes: I think love/ attraction, is essentially a choice. Its very subtle, and takes place within, say, a nano second. I don't know the history of your relationship, so I couldn't possibly know why you're so unhappy in the relationship, but is it possible, that somewhere along the line you decided that you were simply not interested in your husband physically?

This is something you could change if you so desired.

First, what is it about your husband that turns you off? Why are you not able to accept him for what he is? Is it something he can work on and change?

If you absolutely can't see change as a possibility, nor do you consider the possibility of accepting what and who he is, then by all means, you have to

break it off, and both of you should find something new.

But before you do this, I believe you should REALLY analyze, profoundly

the reasons of your feelings. Because there are reasons...

And lastly, I think it essential, to discover the reasons for your

unhappiness , as they will help you in your NEXT relationship- as you'll know very clearly what you want or don't want.

Good Luck! Take care!

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