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The things he does make me feel unattractive, unsexy and like I'm not good enough. Help!

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 12 May 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, *annahbear writes:

About a month ago I was laying naked in bed with my boyfriend and my breasts were exposed and I saw him looking towards that direction. I saw that and started teasing him about staring at them and he told me he was used to seeing my body so it's no surprise anymore so he wasn't looking. This has really impacted me because now I don't feel attractive at all. I feel so unsexy now. He never does foreplay, and he complains when I ask for oral. I hate asking. I am really good in bed. When I get bored I go look at cosmo so it's not like I'm not putting anything up on the table. I try really hard to make sure he feels good.

So then on top of that he looks at other girls all the time in front of me. I talked to him about it and tried to explain how bad it hurts me. I try not to care but every time I see it it's just like a shooting pain right to my heart and it just makes me feel even more inadequate. It just makes me think even more that I'm not good enough. I don't stimulate his mind anymore so he has to go to to other girls who walk by for it.

With all those three things together, I feel hella unsexy and unwanted by him and then he rarely shows me he loves me and cares.

I'm his first girlfriend and we've been dating for a while and at first I had to ask him to show his affection for me to make me feel special. At first he did, but now he thinks I need to change some things and I agreed and started working on it, but now it's just feeling like I have to earn his affection. I have to earn any type of physical love I feel and see and I hate that shit.

When I see other people I know I'm a pretty attractive person, but when I see him I question it because of that stuff.

I don't know what to do because I've tried to talk to him but it's like he accepts it and says okay I'll work on it, but it never happens and I'm not ready to break up with him yet.

I've tried to get sexier in bed and whatever but it doesn't matter what I do. And in my opinion, this might sound cocky, but I'm a straight up sexpert. I know my sex so it's just like, how can I get sexier in bed? I can go up to him and whisper I wanna suck his dick and get really dirty with in and he would be like oh I wanted to do this instead or something else.

I don't get it.

I don't know what to do.

I know I'm his first girlfriend and some people have just told me he's not used to having a girlfriend and it's just gonna take time, but it's been months since we've been together. Isn't that enough time?

I need real help, this is eating me up inside.

How do I cope?

What do I do?

What do I say?

View related questions: breasts, foreplay, teasing

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A female reader, Curious432 United States +, writes (12 May 2016):

I've been with my bf for almost a year, and I'm going through the same thing as we speak. He watches porn and chats online with different girls every day all day. I don't even turn him on anymore, when we have sex he has to watch porn first and while we do it . I cry every night when I'm alone cuz it hurts my feelings. Just keep ur head up ma.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (27 August 2012):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYour boyfriend is a (insert expletive) and I feel bad for you for putting up with him. You are investing so much into the relationship and he just couldn't be bothered because now that he has you and there is no thrill of the chase nor the novelty of sex, he's just taken things for granted. You're a keeper OP and he doesn't deserve you. If this is how he's behaving now, what's he going to do 5 years down the line when you decide to get married? You would be walking naked in front of him and he would turn a blind eye!

I think you can do much better without him and trust me, its going to save you a LOT of self doubts and sadness. You are everything a guy would want and a decent guy who deserves you would cherish you for what you are.

Now to answer your questions.

"I don't know what to do."

~ Nothing. You have done enough. Time to call it quits and stop tormenting yourself over what more you can do, because the truth is, he's putting in zilch into the relationship and it takes two to make it work. You can do all you want but without his contribution, it will never work.

"How do I cope?"

~ The only way you CAN cope is to get out of this and love yourself and get over this selfish, useless idiot. The relationship has run its course and its over now. Accept it and move on.

"What do I say?"

~ "Thanks for everything. I can do much better and I'm sick of all the doubts that you've put me through. I refuse to compromise anymore and I've given it all I had. Good luck, have a great life".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012):

You are not going to do yourself (or him) any favors by staying with him. All that will do is make you possibly forever have self esteem issues, and teach him it's okay to treat a woman like this (when it's not.) By leaving him, you will save yourself years of unnecessary self doubt, and make him think about what he's done, and hopefully he'll treat the next woman better. On the other hand, it sounds more to me like he's just not ready to be in a relationship yet. You are his first girlfriend. It's natural for him to be curious about other women, simply because he's never been with anyone else. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or how you look, and it wouldn't matter who you are. He would still be curious about what it's like to be with someone else. To put it more simply:

"How do I cope?"

Don't bother.

"What do I do?"

Walk away.

"What do I say?"

Tell him you enjoyed it while it lasted, but it's time to move on because you both want different things. He can't stay interested in one woman for very long (his comment about your boobs proves it). You're ready to settle down, he isn't. If you don't want to end it completely, then just give him a "break" to do what he wants, and see if he comes around. There is a good chance he will, because maybe all he needs is to "play the field" a bit to get it out of his system.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (26 August 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntLet's "answer" your questions, as you posed them:

How do I cope? Don't bother coping. This immature and unthoughtful guy isn't worth your time....

What do I do? You steel yourself that this "relationship" will go nowhere....

What do I say? You say, "Good bye. It's been nice spending time with you... but I'm really worthy of a far more interested and accomodating boyfriend... and YOU aren't him...."

Good luck....

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