A
male
age
41-50,
*kewee
writes:Since the birth of our daughter, 4 years ago, my partner and I have drifted apart, we still enjoy one another's company and get along but there is no spark between us. Sex and even intimacy is non existent. We both agree that we love each other but are just not in love with one another. My main worry now is how will a separation between us affect our daughter? From my point of view she is the only reason we are still together as I am really worried about the affect it will have on her.Any advice will be great. Regards
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 It doesn't need to effect your daughter. If you are not in love with each other any more and their is no passion in the relationship and you both agree then maybe the best thing to do is separate. The thing with this is your daughter will adapt with you. If you both agree on the upbringing of your daughter, and you can both be on good terms then this does not need to effect your daughter. Yes she may ask why mummy or daddy is not at home, or why she has two homes, but that is okay, as long as she has two loving parents that work together for her future.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 May 2016):
 Children are very smart and adaptable little cookies. If and when the time comes i would suggest it be a joint effort in explaining that you are separating and what the new living arrangement will be. A sad situation, but what you have on your side is being an amicable situation it can be done without hostility. Using age appropriate language and explanation is key with the addition of showing her that you and her dad are happy about the situation and still love each other but a bit differently now. Invite her to ask questions if she has any then or at another time and that you will do your best to answer them. Where ever it is decided your child will live, I would encourage things like both parents shopping for things to decorate their new room and little things to show unity as parents. There are a few good books written especially for children who are experiencing separation. Maybe that is something you and your husband would benefit from exploring. I wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 If you were a woman then I would answer differently, because I am not a man, so I don't know if losing the spark means inability to get and maintain erection. This can be a personal thing too, as every man is built differently. There is a difference between boring sex and repulsive sex. If you love each other I assume then you would need physical contact, at least kissing? I guess I am still old fashioned. Losing the in love feelings is not enough reason to separate. Also if you still love one another it's selfish to date someone else for the sole purpose of sex, unless the other woman is also divorced for the same reasons and still loves her husband. Also, you may not desire your wife anymore, but does the thought of her being with other men bother you?
As for your daughter, as long as you two are happy, she will be happy too. If you she asks why you are not together anymore, simply tell her not every mom and dad live together, and you are greedy for space. I don't get why, when divorce rate is so high, that we still feel pressured to raise our children to believe in long term love, and the fairy tale happily ever after. I think they should see the reality as soon as they are mature enough to understand.
You should only consider divorce when you exhaust all venues to save the intimacy part of your marriage.
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