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The question is, should I tell the lady how I feel after we've had 5 months apart?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Crushes, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

The question is, should I tell the lady how I feel after we've had 5 months apart?

All night having a good time with everyone, celebrating my ex's PhD which she achieved today. (ABC) ABC says things that stay with me "I missed my chance" - "This was the good one" to me.

I get a fair bit confused as I've been having similar thoughts.

XYZ turns up.(Possibly her new fella)

I have already gotten myself prepared as I've seen ABC and XYZ on a rowing boat together on fb. I assume that something is happening or something is going to happen.

ABC's Best friend turns to me saying XYZ isn't great and says he is controlling and isn't good for her. I defend him, and say now is not the time to talk about it. This is ABCs' day.

ABC hears her best friend say this and this is not ok. I try to make it better by getting the best friend to talk about something else.

another of ABCs best friends tries to talk about XYZ. I say tonight is not the night to talk about it.

I do my best at welcoming XYZ.

We go to another bar.

By this point I assume that ABC and XYZ have spoken about what her friends have been saying

I assume that XYZ is now all ears for anything against him and rightly so.

I try to make it all fun between everyone.

I leave the room so ABC and XYZ can enjoy alone time together.

Later, ABC says in private, we're not going out if we were I'd tell you.

(I think that's really nice of you to say, but you shouldn't say anything, you didn't need to say anything.)

Later, I see ABC and XYZ kissing. (I'm properly heart broken. Because she said they weren't going out and now it's being thrown in my face. It hurts.)

I buy ABC a cheesy chip wrap and give it to her and say its for her and XYZ.

I am more upset than i'd thought. As now I'm in the predicament where I want to tell ABC this, but also thinking that it's still her day.

I am also aware that she didn't say "nothing is happening" she just said that "we're not going out" I just hope I'm not being mental.

Any advice would be appreciated.

The question is, should I tell the lady how I feel after we've had 5 months apart?

All night having a good time with everyone, celebrating my ex's PhD which she achieved today. (ABC) ABC says things that stay with me "I missed my chance" - "This was the good one" to me.

I get a fair bit confused as I've been having similar thoughts.

XYZ turns up.(Possibly her new fella)

I have already gotten myself prepared as I've seen ABC and XYZ on a rowing boat together on fb. I assume that something is happening or something is going to happen.

ABC's Best friend turns to me saying XYZ isn't great and says he is controlling and isn't good for her. I defend him, and say now is not the time to talk about it. This is ABCs' day.

ABC hears her best friend say this and this is not ok. I try to make it better by getting the best friend to talk about something else.

another of ABCs best friends tries to talk about XYZ. I say tonight is not the night to talk about it.

I do my best at welcoming XYZ.

We go to another bar.

By this point I assume that ABC and XYZ have spoken about what her friends have been saying

I assume that XYZ is now all ears for anything against him and rightly so.

I try to make it all fun between everyone.

I leave the room so ABC and XYZ can enjoy alone time together.

Later, ABC says in private, we're not going out if we were I'd tell you.

(I think that's really nice of you to say, but you shouldn't say anything, you didn't need to say anything.)

Later, I see ABC and XYZ kissing. (I'm properly heart broken. Because she said they weren't going out and now it's being thrown in my face. It hurts.)

I buy ABC a cheesy chip wrap and give it to her and say its for her and XYZ.

I am more upset than i'd thought. As now I'm in the predicament where I want to tell ABC this, but also thinking that it's still her day.

I am also aware that she didn't say "nothing is happening" she just said that "we're not going out" I just hope I'm not being mental.

Any advice would be appreciated.

View related questions: best friend, kissing, my ex

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A female reader, Tottochan India +, writes (1 November 2015):

Well, you should first ask yourself how serious you are about getting back with her. Will you give your 100% to this relationship this time? Are the reasons that led to your break up the last time, not there any more?

If the answer is yes to all, then maybe you should tell her that you are still interested in her, and you would want to give it another try, if she is willing. But if she has moved on, then it's OK with you as well.

All the best.

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A female reader, supermum United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2015):

supermum agony auntYou shouldn't tell her. I know it is breaking your heart but if she is moving on then you shouldn't stand in her way. You have to do what is best for her, not what is best for you. But.. since this guy sounds like a bit of a tool, you should still stay (relatively) close. Make sure you are there for her if/when this 'thing' between them stops. And when the time is right after that, THEN you tell her.

Unfortunately, putting her in an awkward position now though wont help her... or you. Also, you need to try and get over her. Sometimes our attraction to people clouds our better judgement. If you can learn to be happy without her and move on with your life, you will know if things are truly right between you if she becomes single/unattached again, or if it was simply the emotional cocktail of hormones raging through your body. People we feel safe and attracted to make our bodies release a whole load of happy hormones, making s feel safe, relaxed and secure. It is kind of addictive and it is why you get butterflies in your stomach before seeing them sometimes. Because of that, though, sometimes it is hard to know what is genuinely real and what is the hormones talking. Allowing yourself to move on will help you to see which it is. The hormones alone will never be enough to sustain a relationship long term. There will be a reason you split up in the first place, after all. xxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015):

college days and five months apart...

Have you been good to this girl who is your ex?

Have you bedded her best friend and in so doing messed up her head for the last five months.

If you have bedded her best friend and then this is the girl who started the comments about your exs potential new flame (the one she's not yet going out with) then it is just plain proprietorial of you and her best friend to be making any kind of spurious comments.

Its manipulative and its controlling.

Have you kissed or anything elsed with the bestfriend of hers?

You cant claim to be proper heartbroken if you have.

Its not one world for you and another for her.

Buying a cheesy wrap for them to share isnt the charitably generous act that would reinstate you as her number one man.

Its just a guilt trip for him and a teeny bit more of your power to put your foot in it.

What this girl needed was 100% loyalty and kindness from day one.

No bedding of her so called friends and secret close comments behind her back.

Imagine you had the most beautiful rose on the planet and watered it sodium chloride every evenin....this plant would die wouldnt it ?

Truth , honesty, love etc were what is needed.

But at the end of the day you are the ones caught in a situation of your own making.

If youve bedded her friend i think its probably over with you and the ex.

But you are the masters of your own script and if you wanted to speak to her in confidence then of course you can because we are not relationship police we are just here to try to find words that will help.

Life is going yo be the pathway you make it to be and sometimes other factors affect it.

But as it is your life, you must make the choices you perceive to be correct.

You have a jokey yet compelling way of writing so i could imagine you could be a good communicator or a potential novelist.

How ...what..why ..etc is all something that you must sort out for yourselves.

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