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The more money I give the more she wants

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 February 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 February 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, *orn614 writes:

Hi, everyone. I started dating my now-fiancee in April 2009. Things were great up until about May. She started asking me for money. It was small amounts at first. $50 here, $80 here, and so on. I have to be honest with myself. I never felt right sending her money because I always felt guilty if I didn't. Mainly because she would put a guilt trip on me, and it was never intentional. You know how you read between the lines and listen carefully to how people phrase things? That's the way it was and still is to this day. She resigned from her employment in May, and instead of things getting better, they got worse. She would ask for money at least once every week. For instance, during her family reunion, she wanted to party with her cousins and of course, she didn't have the funds, so I funded that, and I still resent it. Mind you, we had only been dating 2 months. For every month from June-December, I gave her some form of financial assistance. She hasn't tried to find another job that I know of. She blames it on living in a small-town. McDonald's is always hiring, and you have to have pride in any job you do. We live in two different cities because I relocated for college. She came here on February 8th. I bought her ticket ($100), paid for the hotel room ($200 for the 3 days--courtesy of Priceline), food, and all of that. Due to my schedule as far as classes, I had to leave for hours at a time. By day two, she called her family, and they bought her a ticket. At the time I didn't know it. Wednesday (the 10th) was a good day and night because we spent a huge portion of the day and spent the night together. On the 11th, I had an emergency, and I had to leave at like 5 AM. She acted a fool, and she refused to stay at the hotel, so I dropped her off at the bus station. She called me an hour later, and she demanded money. Her words were, "If you don't get me straight (meaning financially), then you will never have to worry about me again." I picked her up at about 9 AM, and we went to the bank. I withdrew $300 and handed it to her. Later on that day, I withdrew another $300 because she needed new glasses, another cell phone, and shoes. She left on Friday, and when we talked on Saturday, the truth started coming out. Her family had actually purchased her return ticket on the Monday that she arrived, and it was dated for Thursday @ 11:50. That Sunday after she got home, she wanted more money. I forgot the actual amount, but I sent $100 and put $25 on her cell phone after I paid $140 at Radioshack that previous Thursday afternoon. Friday (the 19th), she started asking for more money. This time it was $400. That literally ticked me off because she has never volunteered to pay any of my money back. If we break up, I know I will have to take her to court because it was always understood that any money I gave her to be repaid. I feel like she's using me for money because my family is financially well off, and I have reached my breaking point. We're engaged, and the wedding is in a little over a month. I'm not sure I want to get married because I don't think she's going to work, and I refuse to take care of another grown person. I shouldn't have to pay all of the bills myself. I've kept these feelings bottled up for months, and it is eating me alive. This relationship isn't healthy anymore. I love her, but I feel like she's using me. I'm to the point where I'm going to call the wedding off and walk away with my head held high. We are polar opposites. I'm 20, in college, have my own car, a nice home, financially stable, working full-time, etc. She's 30, not working and hasn't worked in almost a year, does not have a car, etc. Have any of you been in a situation like this? If so, what did you decide? How would you handle this?

View related questions: cousin, engaged, money, wedding

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A female reader, Torn614 United States +, writes (23 February 2010):

Torn614 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm not seeing what I want to see. I'm seeing the truth, and I've been seeing it. I'm all for helping--from time to time, but when I'm giving you money like a job, that's a wrap on that. I was in denial, but now that I'm finally able to be honest with myself, I see things 10 times clearly. The worse part of all is that she is forever saying things like material things and money don't matter to me. That's a complete and utter lie b/c if that were true, she wouldn't be leaning on me like a crutch. The last time (yesterday) she asked, I told her that I was being an enabler by continuing to fund things. At 30, she should be together. Everyone falls on hard times, but this started when I walked into the picture. In the beginning she had no idea how much money I had. She would see subtle hints like Christian Louboutins or a Louis Vuitton handbag. If you aren't a fashionista such as myself,you wouldn't know Christian LaCroix from Alexander McQueen. I'm a ridiculously private person. She knew things like I went to private schools, and my father is in the natural gas and oil business. I was working full-time up until December, and I elected to cut back because of my Winter course load. She has developed a dependency upon me much like a alcoholic develops an addiction to alcohol. She has only seen tidbits of the lifestyle that I live. What I'm afraid of is that if she gets a taste of the whole thing, she will never work a day in our married life. I think I was lovestruck, but I'm back in action. The old me was pretty cut and dry. All of a sudden, I feel like a lovestruck puppy who is fighting to escape this black hole. I see an out now, and before I make any hasty decisions, I want to have a true to the root face to face. Either just the two of us or with a therapist. Someone asked about her previous relationships. Her last ex was financially stable, but she wasn't financially responsible. Basically meaning that she had nice things, but there was no equilibrium. She couldn't handle household bills and a splurge or two from time to time. The thing that I peeped out about that situation is that her family was using her ex for financial reasons. They continue to do so even now that I'm in the picture, which is why I'm at war with my future MIL. She continues to disrespect me by continuing to try and play Cupid with my fiancee and the ex. I've already told my MIL that if she doesn't respect me, I don't want her to step foot in my house. There's a host of issues. The money issue is one of many. Paging a psychiatrist.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2010):

Miamine agony auntRemember honeypie, we are just normal people from all over the world. We want a happy ending, we like people to be happy and in love, but we can only say what we see...

Your woman needs to grow up, and you need to be more careful with money. At the moment she's not respecting you or loving you enough to give us our happy ending.

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A female reader, Torn614 United States +, writes (23 February 2010):

Torn614 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate all of your replies. They truly helped. Her family is not aware of what she's doing, but I am going to let them know. The past year, I have been so entangled in my job and maintaining a 4.0 that somewhere along the line, I fell off track. It irritates the hell out of me. If we do get married, I want a prenuptial agreement because I won't pay a dime of alimony. Hell will have to freeze over before that day. Honestly, I have major doubts, and I can't see myself going through with it. I have been thinking about severing ties, and in my heart, I feel that's my best bet. It really isn't even about the money. It is truly the principal of the thing. After almost a year, she should have found some type of employment. Her dependency upon me is beyond ridiculous, and I'm not standing for it.

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A female reader, PP Zimbabwe +, writes (22 February 2010):

she is a gold digger cut off the wedding

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (21 February 2010):

She's just a gold digger. All she wants is money. Just run as fast as you can away from her.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (21 February 2010):

Miamine agony auntShe's using you, a grown woman doesn't demand you spend this amount of money on her. Call of the wedding, you'll be sorry if you don't. This woman is only marrying you so she never has to work again.

I suggest you call up her parents and explain how she's been taking money off you. Her behaviour is prostitution, it has nothing to do with love. Hopefully with her parents involved, they will be able to shame her into getting some of your money back.

DUMP THIS WOMAN AS SOON AS YOU CAN, SHE'S USING YOU AND MAKING A FOOL OUT OF YOU...

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (21 February 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntYou are her meal ticket and a passport to a good life.

In derogatory terms ,she is a gold digger.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):

oh please please think twice before you get married, I could say you are young to marry but thats not so important, many people your age have married and stayed happily so for years but you are already questioning if you really want to arn't you?

the fact that someone who supposedly loves you is constantly asking for money off you shows this person is a user.How many others has this person been engaged to? it seems your fiance is already telling lies and blackmailing you into paying out more and more money, If you are at all unsure think how you would treat someone you love if you were not in work....I suspect you would find a job as quickly as possible and not expect the pther person to pay for you.....you sound a decent person dont be taken for a ride angel.....its easily done when you are a kind as you sound....be cautious....if nothing else at least put the wedding off for a while....just to see what happens....

that is how I think or I hope I would handle this.....good luck

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