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The marriage is over, but my husband won't leave!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2005) 14 Answers - (Newest, 27 April 2010)
A female , *aura2020 writes:

My husband won't leave. We have been together for ten years, only married for one. But since the wedding we have both changed.

I want out of the marriage but he won't leave! We have two children: one is his and I have one from a previous relationship. He says he won't leave without his son.

I can't leave as I have nowhere to go and he has not been physically abusive. I sometimes feel that I am being selfish and I should just go, but I can't work full time and so don't have the finances to just up and go, or to seek legal advice.

We both know it would be easier for him to go, but he is just being awkward. I have tried to make things easy for him with regards to child maintanance etc, but still he wont go. I don't know what to do. Please help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010):

I was with my ex for a decade. I made hugh financial sacrifices so we could retire early and then I found he was having another affair. I now have to sell my holiday home(my pension) and one which I had downsized to, to pay off an extra mortgage and spend on our homes so we could retire.

He has retired with a decent pension, yet I have not been able to and he is trying to 'stitch me up' financially by refusing to honour the amount I spent in capital ( for us),just before retirement.

He now wants me to take out another mortgage at nearly 60 to pay him out, and yet I owned a three bedroomed house and was mortgage free before we met, and only took out another mortgage because he had no capital. He has lied about everything. including the age he was when his mother died and her maiden name,and hated me having friends and family around.He could go into a revolving door in one mood and come out in another , so to speak.

I cant believe I have been so stupid. I could write a book about his abusive non physical behaviour...yet he says \i was paranoid.

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A male reader, beargrylls United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2010):

beargrylls agony auntHi

Call me what you like but you both have the right a home. and the kids have a right to a mam and a dad. why dont you sell the house and slit it 50/50 then you have the kids half the week and dad have them the other half, but i bet your saying no way to that idea, but that is fair isnt it, oh no sorry i forgot ,most women don't know what is fair in divore and children, why would you think he is being awkward because he wont vacate the premises? If you were in my court madam things are sorted out fairly. If someone gives you and your partner £10 how much each would you receive? no, £3 for your partner and £7 for you is not the right answer, go back to school and grow up. Just remember god is watching !!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

i am in the same situation, I too feel guilty but mentally I cannot go on. My husband is the most wonderful person to everyone else but behind closed doors he is just well someone no one would like to know. Financially he supports me as I sold my company and the money is used up. He is a spend thrift now enjoys holding me to ransom after spending everything I own and freezing my pension. I tried to divorce him and he spent £1000s trying to make me out to be evil. It is as if he wants to be the good guy to save face even though he treat his first wife the same. I dont know, like you what to do. It is over but with two young kids in private school and no income what happens now? I wish I could give you an answer but I think you just have to try and make it all your fault so he will leave. That is what I am doing, eventually hopefully he will leave

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

Hi,

What type of property are you in because this could make a difference. Do you own it or is it private rented or council. Is it in joint names?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008):

There is no protection for this. The only possible was to get him out is a TPO, and sadly that might not even work. My husband stole 100k of my jewelry and hid it somewhere outside our house and is slleping in our bed. I have talked to attornys and they said lock him up. I have no kids with him but I don have a son in a wheelchair who adores him. I am very surprised to see how many women on here saying the same thing.

Have men become cowards and women to weeak to stand up for ourselves

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007):

I was married for 14 years - the first 2 happy. I have an 11 year old son. My ex-husband moved back into my home after my mothe passed in April. Now the SOB won't leave! He makes everyone so uncomfortable and disgusted with him. Even my neighbors who have never met him. How do I get him out??!! I called the local police and they told me that I can't just "kick" him out. He says "If you pay for the appartment then I'll go". Why should I have to pay???? Because the police won't take the abusive SOB out of my home? Everything is in my name alone, house- cars- properties.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

you need to take you and your kids to a safe house....and you need to find family that will help you go through it...they will put you up and in the process there are lawyers and advisors that will guide you on how to keep him from seeing you and the children. eventually you will not have seen him for several days then weeks then months...you may set up supervised visits only because of "fear of abuse" and you'll be on your way....otherwise you can stay in this situation until he get even more abusive, which you will regret forever because it will have a everlasting effect on your children. good luck......it will be very scary at first and then it will get better....he's sick and he knows it....get rid of him now!! go see someone....set it up....and do it....don't be careless and don't get caught......you may have to leave with just the shirts on your back....and try to retrieve your stuff later....but material things are easily replaced...scars of abuse don't go away for a long time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006):

I read the post about the law in the UK protecting abused partners whose ex husbands won't leave and I felt a bit sick - and, yet again, stupid. I live in the UK.I finally divorced my husband in october on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He prolonged the process for over 2 years whilst claiming that I was the 'most appalling wife, he couldn't stand me etc etc.' but continuing to live in the house the whole time. An occupation order failed because he refused to return to the adjourned hearing, said he couldn't come back to it for 6 weeks - by which time we were out of the 'time limit'. He comes from a very rich big 'legal family' and he used every legal trick in the book; forcing me into court again and again and when, every time, the judge found in my favour he said the 'f******judge didn't understand law and was f****** wrong' and he then pursued it to the next level. He appealed the final settlement and finally lost. But still he won't leave the house! I am disabled with a degenerative neurological disease and the house is suitable for disabled living. I have been awarded 80% of the value and intend to buy him out. BUt he won't move, claiming the house is worth £200k more than its real value. My doctors have called the police out because of his abuse and the police have been very sympathetic and want to arrest him. HOwever, my lawyer tells me that if he is arrested he will cause me so much trouble it will not be worth it. He regularly taunts me by being physically and (extremely) emotionally abusive and then holds the phone out to me screaming at me to call the police and 'just see what happens' if they arrest him. He tells me it will confirm to everyone that I am a vicious abusive woman just out for retribution and everyone knows the law is biased toward manipulative f****** b******. The result is that although the police have told me to 'dial 999 the next time he lays a finger on you', I haven't done so even tho he is getting more and more deranged and physically abusive. After 2 years of debilitating and financially ruinous divorce proceedings I can't cope with any more.(No its not free - 'legal aid' - in the UK unless you meet very stringent criteria which have just tightened and legal aid gives you lawyers who are either inexperienced or bored - hopeless if your partner retains the best counsel in the business) The result is that he returns to this house everytime he is in the UK and bullies me. Everyone - my doctors, nurses, mental health support workers,freinds, and a wonderful women's Aid outreach worker knows what he is doing to me, but because the physical violence is not excessive he would be able to put up some sort of defence ( He knocks me over but claims he just brushes against me and I fall becuase my balance is impaired, and he grabs my arms and bruises me) When he is here I am absolutely terrified that he is right about me and I simply can't go thro the whole standing up in court terrifed out of my head shaking from head to foot again.(i have Parkinsons) I also think people don't beleive me and think I'm exaggerating. . Although I know I'm not,and I'm a professional woman, when he' s aroundI am completely irrational and stupidly pathetic . I keep thinking that if only i can get through to him he'll stop and everything will be allright. My GP told me last week that if he were doing to me physically what he is doing to me emotionally he would have been in prison months if not years ago.

SO you are right, in the UK we do have laws and procedures to protect abused partners - but they are such that people like me feel they need to be really violently physically hurt before we dare resort to them. Is there an answer?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006):

I also have a similar situation.My husband has not worked for 3 yrs (never held a job previously) and is currently watching our 3 yr old while I work full time. All the bills are in my name,including the house we are renting.Due to my work hours I was forced to have him live(we were previously separated) with me to help with childcare. I feel trapped and I wish had a way to resolve the childcare issue. He's lazy and he won't do anything around the house unless I bitch and nag. He's a couch potato with a filthy, vulgar mouth. I wonder when, if at all he will grow up. Just the other night he suggested we have another baby...yeah right...NOT!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005):

I have the same problem only, everything is in my name; the house the bills all except cable, which used to be in my name..but when i had it turned off, he turned it baack on in his name. So, while he was unemployed (he quit his job), He sat around the house watching TV.. I work nights and am 8 1/2 months pregnant..We have one child already together and we each have one outside (mines stays w/ us) I have suggested that he leave several times so he can experience what it is like to be responsible when it comes to paying bills and taking care of the roof over your head. Iguess it was my fault cause when i met him, he was living fro free in an aprtment provided by the place he used to work for. Just like like you, he said to me that if he leaves he threatened to take the baby away cause he has just as much right as I to do it. Even though that he has rarely buys diapers for him and has not once paid for one week of childcare. Another words, when you come up with a solution, please let me know too what I should do. Good Luck to both of us.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005):

i am going through the same problem at the moment so i suppose i am answering this problem for both of us over here in the uk we can get help if there is unreasonable behaviour in a marriage divorce is free we also have a place to go to for advice as you have access to the internet i would advise you see if such help in your area tell a close friend or family so they can help with haveing the children or comeing with you if he is very violent you have to go to a doctor and seek help and get some kind of court order against it is very scarey and hard see past this horrible mess you are in but you have to stay strong for the children dont tell him if what you doing unless you know for sure he wont get violent remmember none of this is your fault he is the one with the problem be strong good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005):

Gee you're a great one. Why wont your husband, the man you swore vows to stay with, make things easy on you and leave his house and his kid and go even if he doesnt have any where to go. Should he sleep on a sewer grate so things arent "awkward" for you?

If you cant work full time and finance are already a problem I have news for you. They are going to be even more reduced after a divorce. At that point you'll probably need a roommate.

Why do you see if you two can be adults and rework this relationship on a roommate basis? Defined rules etc, just like regular roommates. That will give you pleanty of time to figure out if you really need to seperate, and for you to look for your own place.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005):

Is there any chance the two of you will be able to heal the issues surrounding this relationship because there is a lot at stake here and he sounds like he's being stubborn. Maybe he thinks that when you have kids and a family, a guy just doesn't roll over and go away, when a wife asks him to leave. You have not mentioned marriage and family counseling. I think you both owe it to those children to get yourselves into marital therapy. Try negotiating through some counseling with a marriage counselor who is committed to healing broken marriages because a happy, stable marriage is necessary for a healthy environmnt for your children. If you are connected to a church, call in your minister. However, if all that fails and rebuilding is impossible, then contact a lawyer who understands your situation and will advise you on having him legally removed from the home. As far as paying a lawyer, work out a monthly payment plan or look into seeking some legal aid help, in your area. This may be a good time to think about working out or attaining some career training so you can enable yourself to get to work to help support your kids. The best thing you can do is be strong and empower your own life by earning your own money. It will be tough but many single Moms do it. I wish you the best and good luck.

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A reader, pops +, writes (13 November 2005):

Talk to a lawyer about your rights. You sound like you think he has to be abusive before you can get divorced. Wrong! I don't know why you can't work, but you must have family and friends, who may help you until you get things arranged. Stop acting like a prisoner, and move out and move on. But, see a lawyer now. You need to know where you are going before you set out on the journey.

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