A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunties and unclesI posted on here in June about a man I have been seeing: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-you-think-it-is-worth-me-continuing.html I am 55 and 4 months ago I met a man who is 60. 8 months before we met he had met a lady who he liked and who he asked for a relationship. She said no. They continued to be friends.This man and I have now been seeing each other as friends for 4 months. We love each other's company and have slowly been getting closer and closer and fonder of each other. Nothing physical has happened between us, but we've become very huggy and touchy. I have told him that I won't be sexually physical with him unless we are in a committed relationship with each other. He has respected this and hasn't kissed me yet.The whole time we have been seeing each other he has continued to see his lady as just a friend. We go to a lot of events at which there are mutual friends, so these people see him with her at one event, and with me at another. This last weekend we had "the talk". We acknowledged that we are developing feelings for each other and I have no doubt whatsoever about how much he likes me. I told him that I have felt like I've been on the reserve bench for all these months. I also told him that the situation with the other lady and him taking us both to evens with the mutual friends is making me look like a fool. He said that he wants to be with me and she is just a friend who is very needy. I told him that he has to make a decision or I will make the decision for him (i.e. stop our friendship). We both got very upset. He wants to develop our friendship into something more, but doesn't know how to tell this other lady. She knows about me and apparently was not at all happy when he told her that he's met me. But as I pointed out, she doesn't want him so she needs to let him find happiness elsewhere. He plans in advance and committed himself to two significant events with this lady before he met me and doesn't feel that he can let her down and get out of them. One is a weekend away with the group we belong to (separate bedrooms), and the other is an important dinner he's taking her to (in 2.5 months time). I am not at all happy that he's doing these two things with her, but don't feel that I have the right to ask him not to. He says he doesn't know how he can tell her that he can't do these things with her. He says that she is dependent on him as he helps her a lot with her house. And he is worried about telling her that he wants to be serious with me. But I feel that, if he really wants to develop something with me, he should not go to these two events with her, and that he should take me. I also think he should tell her straight out about the fact that he likes me a lot.We aren't yet in a relationship, but have simply agreed that we are developing feelings for each other and we're taking it very slowly. So am I being unreasonable in not wanting him to go to these two events with her? Should I just let these two events happen and not kick up a fuss? If he makes any more significant plans with her then I will ask him to cancel them. But these two events were planned before we met.I am very confused.Thank you all so much for your help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 September 2015):
 I would tell him to tell her, now (not right before the events) that way if it upsets HER she can back out.
If he won't tell her, for whatever lame excuse, I'd say bye bye.
I remember your first post and I don't think things have changed since then, HE is still hoping that she will change her mind and WANT to see him as more than a friend and THAT is why he hasn't told her.
If she was ONLY a friend, she would be happy that he found someone that makes him happy.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 September 2015):
 The events that were planned before you met should continue to happen BUT he has to tell her BEFORE the events that you two are getting serious and she has to accept that. IF he refuses to tell her that you two are serious and to cut her back to casual friend (no more going to events with her it's too date like)
Sadly you are second string to this woman. HE WANTS HER and is settling for you. IF he has to make a choice between you and her I don't know what will happen. So I'm going to suggest that he just tell her what's changed and let her make the choice...
good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2015): It just goes to show that you get players in all shapes, sizes and ages.There you go tiptoing round his excuses, politely calling her his lady friend, confiding that sex hasn't taken off yet and backpeddling about it all.He meanwhile is da man out on the town with different women out on separate occassions!!! Well the situation is what you want it to be.If you pursue the path of passive courtship you too are playing the game.First conversations then hugging and touching then serious conversations and then into romance which is brewing up on the back burner..but he is just as likely to be taking the same route with his other lady friend!So why are you investing so deeply in him? You are expecting that he is going to drop her off at some stage and he has already made it clear that he wont.You have internalized it that you are his potential big romance and she is a side issue.She meanwhile probably believes you are his sister or cousin or just a needy lonely friend from high school to whom you swore loyalty to help each other out when you were part of a childhood gang!! Of course you will be laughing at the idea..but who knows what he told her.It certainly wouldnt be " thats my new contact who im pursuing to get into bed when the time is ripe!" So, now that you are very offended, heres your options.You can drop him and just kick him to the kerb like an angry 25yr old would.Or you can turn detective and go round to lady friends house with a box of biscuits and a packet of tea and have a good old chat about john and what he means to you and where you think its going and find out her side of the story..like if they were childhood sweethearts,met at church,picked up in pub ,previous children etc.Is she the charity case he makes her out to be? And finally figure out what it is that youve both got in common.Are you both wealthy and he's looking for cash or both vulnerable and he's looking for someone to insure?Or are you very similar personalities with a good sense of humour but different shades of lipstick.Finally you can set your heart at rest that the situation will continue as long as you both allow it to.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 September 2015):
 Well of course he can back out of the events. What would happen if he got the flu?
You need to decide what you want. Are you prepared to fight for him or let him go? Do you want to take this arrangement to the next level.
Why don't you mention to the other woman that you are developing a relationship with him? I imagine your mutual friends could help you get in touch.
If he is nervous about hurting her feelings, or enjoys having her 'on the hook', perhaps with the expectation of something more, then it is time to end that silliness.
Decide what you want. That is a key message in life.
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