A
female
age
36-40,
*orried_gal
writes:hey, im in a new relationship with a guy i met at my part time job. However, there is a girl we work with who has a reputation for being a B*t*h as she is always being nasty about people behind their backs for no apparent reason especially me. the other week i was crying after work because she had spent the whole day making really nasty comments about me behind my back (i know because my boyfriend and friends told me). however, my boyfriend is still friends with this girl even though he admits she is a b*t*h. in his defence he did threaten to fall out with her if she continued saying things about me and she said she would stop. however, it still hurts me that hes friends with her after everything shes said. Am i right to feel hurt or should i cut him some slack seeing as its a new relationship?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, worried_gal +, writes (19 April 2007):
worried_gal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys, the reason why they told me was because i overheard my bf telling her that we were together and i asked him why because we had agreed to keep our relationship quiet and he said it was because she was saying stuff about me and he told her to stop because we were together.
also, i know its stupid to date someone at work but its only our part-time job as both of us are at university and we only work weekends and its at a shop where all the staff are part-time and our age so quite a few are in relationships together
A
female
reader, worried_gal +, writes (19 April 2007):
worried_gal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thanks guys, the reason why they told me she had bitched about me was because i overheard my bf telling her we were together and i asked him why he told her as we had agreed to keep our relationship quiet and he said it was because she was saying stuff about me and he told her to stop because we were together.
Also i know its stupid to date someone u work with but its only our part time jobs as both my bf and i are students at university so we only work at weekends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): Hi, I've had the bitch saying stuff behind my back or to my face and I've tried to just take the high-road and ignore her to her face or not react and sometimes, I've burst into tears or I've totally lost it. How new is this new BF of yours? Tread with caution. She maybe jealous that your friends care enough to say something and she knows they will say something to you, that's why she does it. It sounds like everyone is terrified of this woman including your boyfriend.
First of all why is your BF and friends telling you after the fact that she has bitched you off all day? Don't you see she tested them? She wanted to know how far she could push people who she knew were important to you, and how far she could manipulate them. They clearly said nothing to her face in retaliation, but they told you so they were putting the ball in your court, because they don't know how or what to react to this woman.
If this woman humiliates you at work in front of colleagues, is factually wrong about events at work or stuff to do with your job, you report her to your HR director. If it is personal stuff and she is just going out of her way to demean you, and she says it to your face making snide remarks, I would honestly take the high-road. Tell her that you see yourself as a respected person and professional in your job and that being inappropriate to you is for the school-yard. Just be clever. Don't swear, put her down, just show how much she is humiliating herself.
I remember telling this woman who was totally cutting me down at work one day that I wasn't prepared to listen to her until she composed herself and I walked out the room. She didn't know what to do and she had a room full of people staring at her.
If you are being accused unfairly or she is blaming you for a fault in a work project, in front of work colleagues or bosses...pipe up! Interrupt if you have to, but do it consisely and keep your voice even. Say in front of them, x is not quite presenting the details correctly, I can give you all the facts of whatever subject for those who are interested in the facts. Show her up.
She wants you to swear at her, loose it with her etc. If you act calmly and suggest that she is being the one with the bad behaviour then you will be seen as someone who is streets ahead of her with everything, personality, maturity and insight as to who and what she is and so will other people in your office.
If your BF or friends tell you stuff again, just shrug your shoulders and say you don't care. Don't let anyone see it bother you, especially her. You don't want to be seen as someone who can break down, that is exactly what she wants, that is why she tells the closest people to you of her opinions of you. If she tries to do something to compromise you and your boyfriend, by flirting etc. Walk past her and say is that the best you can do? I would seriously say to your BF or friends if they come telling you again of what she has said, "oh has she nothing else to talk about, I must be fascinating to her". 'What a sad person she must be if she has to tell you and not me to my face'. Bullies are cowards. You seriously have the upperhand. You have friends and a BF who are telling you what is going on. Shame her the next day or whenever. She will start to fall away when she realises she is the aggressor. No one likes to be known or be friends of the bully. Single her out instead of her singling you out. Think and be clever. She wants you to erupt, cry look pathetic...don't give her the satisfaction.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (18 April 2007):
This is a work place that you are talking about, not a social club. You are young, but I think you need to change your attitude at work.
Firstly, it is never the best idea to date someone you work with, because if the relationship goes wrong, you can't get away from it.
Next, your work colleagues are not there to be your friends, they are there to get on with doing a job of work. It is part of your job to get on with them all to the extent necessary to do the job, including this girl, and for your boyfriend also to get on with them all similarly.
Why did you boyfriend and "friends" (ie other work colleagues) feel it was appropriate to tell you what this girl said about you? Did they tell her they were going to do that? Did you ask them to tell you if she was saying something? Do you even know if what they said is true?
If they start "gossiping" to you again about what she said about you, if I were you, I would ask them to stop, and say you don't want to know, and that you have work to do, and suggest they get on with their work too.
With respect to this other girl, you should sort it out, if you can but in an adult way in private.
If she has said things which could be true (e.g. "you talk too much" or "you're a bit overweight" or things like that) then best if you approach her and say something like "I heard you said that I talked too much / am a bit overweight - you could be right, but I'd really appreciate it if you gave any feedback directly to me so I can benefit from it, rather than to others. It's not right to talk about people behind their back in that way. Would you do that in future, please?" She'll be so shocked by your mature approach, that would probably shut her up.
If she is actually slandering you (e.g. "you stole something" or "you always lie") then this is actually illegal. You could use the same approach "I heard you said that I stole something / always lie. This isn't true and it is wrong for you to say things like that. If I hear that you have said anything similar again, I will report you to my boss. Be clear that this is slander, and I shan't stand for it." Again, she'll probably shut up.
Then, just ignor any more gossip, and concentrate on your work, not on friends and gossip. Let your boyfriend act however he wants at work, and in particular, keep your relationship quiet at work, and wait till after work. Ideally, best not to talk about work too much at home anyway.
Hope this helps.
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