A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am dating an almost divorced man. His final court date for his divorce is in February and that's it. For the past month his soon to be ex is in overdrive trying to patch things up even though she filed. I beleive when she filed it was to scare him into running back but when she realized he did not and also counter filed, she panicked. Anyway, they have adult children over 20. She beleive he should call her to check on the "kids" and not them directly. She also shows up at his work to argue with him and he does nothing about because he claim it will upset the kids more if he presses charges or has her tossed. My argument is always they are not kids and he does not need to have anything to do with her any longer. Lastly, she thinks its a good idea for him to spend Christmas Even and/or day at HER house with the kids and he seems to be considering it to smooth things over with his kids instead of telling her no and if they want to see him they should call him or see him WITHOUT her! She knows what she is doing, it's soon to court and she is on crunch time. Am I missing something? Am I being unreasonable? I fear if he goes over there I may need to end it because drama is getting to be too much.
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male
reader, inquisitor  +, writes (11 December 2014):
I am also a divorced father, with a teenage daughter who lives with me and I have full custody. I have a girlfriend, who came into the picture after the divorce and had nothing to do with it. She knows my ex is nothing more to me than the mother of my child.I think you should really ask yourself why is the soon-to-be-ex such a threat to you. You mention her a lot in your message, so you seem to have concerns about her. Nobody on this site knows your relationship with this guy better than you. You should already know from your interactions how stable the relationship is, and how much of a real threat this woman is to you. If she is no threat, then you have nothing to worry about, but as another poster mentioned, you should try to maintain a civilized interaction with her, because she is going to be a factor in his life to some degree for a long time. If she is a threat, then I think you should look at the relationship and how to improve it. Try to focus on what you can do within the relationship. It may well be that the soon-to-be-ex views you as a threat and is trying to get her ex back. Better for you to take the high road of self-confidence instead of going down to her level. But as you've indicated you might consider leaving the relationship, it doesn't sound that strong to me, sorry..
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2014):
 I have two grown sons ages 28 and 30 I separated from their dad in 1989 and we divorced in 1994 (we had our reasons for dragging it out but none were about getting back together)
Guess what. WE still talk about the kids. We have one getting Married in May... we did graduations together, we will share grandchildren.
He is taking the high road. If you stay with him she will be to you what I call "the ex-wife in law" it is in your best interest to at least learn to be civil with her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 December 2014):
 I totally agree with the fact that you'd better face the fact that his ex is going to be in the picture for the rest of his life. You knew going into this relationship that he had children and that ties him forever to their mother. You are going to have to have the grace to occasionally take a back burner to those kids, grown as they are they will always be his "kids". If you cannot stand this drama you need to end this and find a man with less baggage.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 Yeah... Im no longer a kid and I'm being forced to endure christmas's with my dads new lady and all the "new family who aren't family". It sucks, and i bet his kids might feel the same to whatever degree.
You can win over most people, (bar maybe the ex-wife) in this situation by being patient, respectful and compromising- at least in my opinion
Becoming jealous/controlling here might become a self-fulfilling prophecy
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2014):
 Amen to Auntie Bim's advice!
If you feel THIS is drama? Then don't hold your breath and think it's over come February.
Hubby ex wife (they divorced 23 years ago, we married 17 years ago)still occasionally tries to stir the pot. When their son came out as gay, she DEMANDED (seriously) that he FLY out to her state and DEAL with their son, instead he told his son that if the son was OK with it and happy, then he was happy for him (oh and to be safe and smart when it came to sex)
So yea, some exes are drama-llamas for DECADES!
And I agree, LET him deal with the drama as HE sees fit. If you don't like it... walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I would be feeling the same as you. I divorced my adult sons dad over 7 years ago and I have not seen or spoke to him since. What for? Thete is no need. Now im not saying all divorced people are like me, some do stay in touch but I know I could not handle it if my new boyfriend or hudsband stayed in touch with the ex, no chance. So its entirely up to you as it sounds to me like she will always be around so if I was you and you dont like it then leave this man.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 December 2014):
 You seem to be under the impression that once the divorce is final your boyfriend and his ex will never need to see or deal with each other again ..........
DING DONG YOU"RE WRONG!
He and she will always be connected by the fact they share children, there will be engagements and weddings and first grandchildren, second grandchildren, birthday parties, and more Christmases to come, where, if they (your boyfriend and his soon to be ex wife) are smart adults they will maintain a united front for their now children, and any future grandchildren.
This could also account for him not having his wife "tossed or charged."
This couple is in the midst of dealing with the detritus of many years marriage, they need to deal with it the best they can. For the moment the lady is still his wife, and it would be best if you remembered that fact.
Let your boyfriend deal with it on his terms and in his way .... it, and how he deals with his wife and children, is none of your business.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 December 2014):
You seem to be under the impression that once the divorce is final your boyfriend and his ex will never need to see or deal with each other again ..........
DING DONG YOU"RE WRONG!
He and she will always be connected by the fact they share children, there will be engagements and weddings and first grandchildren, second grandchildren, birthday parties, and more Christmases to come, where, if they (your boyfriend and his soon to be ex wife) are smart adults they will maintain a united front for their now children, and any future grandchildren.
This could also account for him not having his wife "tossed or charged."
This couple is in the midst of dealing with the detritus of many years marriage, they need to deal with it the best they can. For the moment the lady is still his wife, and it would be best if you remembered that fact.
Let your boyfriend deal with it on his terms and in his way .... it, and how he deals with his wife and children, is none of your business.
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