A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:One of my boyfriends friends and I don't get along because of things that happened in the past between us, so we mutually agreed not to speak to one another. My boyfriend tells me that he likes the guy, but they aren't that close. I don't mind them being friends, but what does bother me is that the friend doesn't know we're in a relationship. The friend speaks badly about me to my boyfriend and it makes me paranoid that he's going along with it. He said he can't stand up for me because it will make it suspicious... I personally could not tolerate someone being nasty about someone I care about. They've also started to hang out a lot more and are really friendly and it makes me anxious as to why I'm only getting half truths and why my boyfriend won't admit to me that they're close because I know they are. From one perspective I know my boyfriend isn't telling him because he doesn't want drama, but why is it that he gets to have the best of both worlds whilst I'm put on the back burner to keep other people happy? He's known me longer than his friend, and I'm his boyfriend, I just want to be put first for once. Any advice on what I should do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 December 2017):
 I know that I wouldn't be anybodies secret anyway if you both want to be together the don't keep it a dirty little secret. No wonder you are being left paranoid. Tell the friend you are together and see how it goes. Don't be anybodies secret.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (2 December 2017):
 You're dead right- a true lover will ALWAYS have your back and defend you against poisonous words/ people. He is upholding this guy's wishes and demands ABOVE YOURS-in turn showing you great disloyalty.
Closeted? Nah.. There s a reason for the bitterness towards you- they are TOO CLOSE for comfort, you're the dirty secret in your boyfriend's eyes is what seems powerfully obvious to me.. I'm sorry.
It truly makes no sense the though t thered nothing going on.. the evidence is clear.
But you know what? Say im wrong- it still stands that he is putting this guy BEFORE you. NEVER settle for/ ignore someone being prioritised over you- never a good sign.
you are NOT something illicit or shameful, you're his PARTNER.. to reiterate wiseowl YOU come first. Never settle for anything else. He sounds like a playground bitch anyway
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): I've been kept a secret before and it's no fun! J kept me a secret bc he wanted to just date around but have someone to have default sex with but he didn't want to give that person (me) dates, affection, or too much attention. He filled that void by taking OTHER ladies out on one or two dates and then dropped them when they denied him sex. B was similar but he was possessive about me not meeting family or friends and only wanted to "date" by having me come over at night. It got so bad he had ME sleeping on the couch and complained I drank too much coffee and used too much toilet paper so I should bring my own. Obviously, I got my head out of my ass and dumped him. I told you all that bc any relationship that's hidden is doomed to fail. Is he still closeted? If so, he may not be ready to date and should say so.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 December 2017):
 First of all, I feel that it´s really pathetic that your boyfriend is keeping you a secret. I feel that if you´re not willing to put up with the drama that comes with being open about your relationship (heterosexual or homosexual) then you shouldn´t be in one which is what I can say about your boyfriend.
If he isn´t choosing you, then he is choosing his friend. Think about it for a second... why does he care about making this friend more comfortable at your expense? Sorry my dear but something is up here... something isn´t right.
Know your worth and speak up because if you´re being kept secret then something is wrong here and if I were you; I´d be eager to find out what´s the reason as to why you´re being kept in the shadows BUT that´s just me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2017): Transparency and trust are essential for any relationship to flourish. As I know gay-drama (I'm gay) where there's secrecy, there will be lying. Everything should be out in the open; so you have something to base your trust upon.
You're all adults. Not a bunch of high-school girls.
There is no justified or logical reason why your boyfriend would/should keep you a secret from any of his friends; unless he doesn't want him to know he's now romantically committed to someone else. That, or he's hiding something about their connection (or his own past) that he doesn't want YOU to know. Your romantic-partner comes first.
Your relationship-status is something to be celebrated and gleefully-publicized; if it is truly established and what you think it is.
Unless he's still undecided rather you are a committed-couple; that is the only feasible reason he wouldn't want everyone to know.
The potential of you two being rivals means his loyalties will be challenged, if not strained. Too much energy is being placed in protecting the friend; instead of you. I think there is more to their history than he cares for you to know.
I think your boyfriend and his friend may have had some romantic-ties, or may have been FWB's at some point. I can only speculate that he hasn't quite figured-out a way to break the news. The anticipated-drama may be what kind of reaction he will receive in revealing your new relationship. You might be uneasy about their continued friendship knowing they used to fool-around. Not just that; but his "friend" may be jealous that you're the "chosen-one," not him.
I guess that friend will go-off and go completely bat-shit when he finds out he is out of the running; and that your boyfriend has a man now. He may be a sore-loser, and just may spill all the beans your boyfriend has carefully kept stashed-away while sweeping you off your feet.
Insist that your relationship be publicized and known among your entire circle of friends. On both sides.
The other guy's feelings about your relationship is totally irrelevant. What possible drama could come of such good news? Why?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (1 December 2017):
This guy is not your boyfriend he is a guy who is using you. Dump his ass and find a guy who cares about you and respects you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 December 2017):
 Why are you being kept secret?
What drama will be caused? Why would he care about drama if he wants to be with you? I think there's a reason you're being hidden. I'd want to know what that reason is.
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