A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a single mother of two children. A girl who is 15 and a son who is 11 years old. We had a good life. We would take vacations and go back to our home country to visit every year. They both attend private Christian schools. Five years ago I divorced my husband because he was physically abusive. Then slowly, due to having to take care of my children full time, my work hours became unstable and I stopped making as much as I used to. I only had one income but had to pay all the bills. We stopped going on vacations, stopped returning to our hometown for annual visits. This lasted over 4 years and both my children miss our hometown and family so much.I'm still living paycheck to paycheck, but the school has granted tuition assistance for both my children. So, I saved up hard and found cheap airfares so I can take my children back to our hometown during spring break. When one of the school administrators found out about our trip, she became extremely upset and said I lied to the school about needing assistance. I am grateful to the school for providing us a discount on tuition... but they reviewed my pay stubs and tax returns and expenses and made a decision to approve the tuition assistance. The information I provided to them to apply for tuition assistance is the truth. I did not lie. But I did make some sacrifices and saved up hard for this trip with my kids. In your opinion did I do something wrong? My daughter is so upset with me because she thinks I lied and I embarrassed her. She is telling one of her mentors how horrible her life is and it's because of me. I don't get it.. what did I do wrong??
View related questions:
cheap, christian, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 March 2017):
 You can still make the father pay maintenance and have no contact with him. Surly he should be supporting his children. Also it is your choice which education your children have, but please do ensure they are taught by yourself or someone else about safe sex and how to look after themselves. You need to teach your daughter that it is never okay for a man to physically abuse her as she has saw this with her dad, and you also need to teach your son it is never okay to raise his hand. Unfortunately we cannot keep our children away from the big bad world therefore we should educate them as much as possible and hope they make the right decisions.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 February 2017):
 Your children will need to be exposed to safe sex education when they're 13+ because the more clueless they are, the more likely you are to find yourself being a young grandmother. It's your job as their parent to teach them responsible things, even if they're not interested in relationships yet. Encouraging safe sex education doesn't mean encouraging sex; it's just understanding that they need to know these things, just in case they do things without you knowing.It's great to like the school they're at, but it's not going to sacrifice their education, if they need to go to a public school. Sure, keep them in it while you can, but don't kill yoursrlf to keep them there. Several brilliant, intelligent people didn't go to private schools.OP, I think you have a skewed view. Your ex paying child support doesn't mean he has to see them. You get the court to make him pay, but also make it clear that he was abusive and put you all in danger.You don't need to martyr yourself to give your kids a wonderful life. You're no good to anyone if you burn out. Do what you can, provided it doesn't make you ill or deprive your children of time with you. Get your ex to step up by using the law to help you - you don't need to have any contact with him, talk to a lawyer.You are a good parent doing your best, but don't see little things like a private education as the be-all-end-all (that's influenced your daughter to feel the same and worry about not being in it next year), don't try to do it all alone and remember that no matter what morals you and the school impress on your kids, you can't risk allowing them to be naive about the world and relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): Oh my.....My. Children are not exposed to worldly things like dating or sex.....Get your head out of the sand mom. Your kids are exposed to more than you think. Education is the key to safety. With STD out there that can actually kill you why would you not educate your children how to be safe and not end up pregnant. Like I said before when my daughter was in high school the girls with parents like you were the ones who got pregnant.There was also a boy in my daughter's school who was HIV positive and slept with many girls knowing this fact.Why chose not to educate...They are teens they think about sex they all do. ,..................................................Now about the school.They should have never ever confronted your child about an adult matter. The school should have called you about their concerns. For them to do this was wrong in so many ways. Not only that they are judging you which only God has the right to do.,...................................................If you think isolating them from the world in this religious bubble is the right thing they will not be prepared for real world life. You might have seen the red flags about your ex before he even hit you if you had real world experience. I went to revious school glad I got out and got real world experience.... Educate.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): I'm the OP here...The reason why although it is financially difficult for me, I still insist on putting my children in this Christian School is because I also graduated from this school. My children are not exposed to dating or sex or any 'worldly' things. They can bring dates to dances/prom but it is chaperoned by teachers and mentors and usually just a dinner banquet followed by different groups of people going on stage to perform funny acts or sing. It's a very healthy environment. My teenage daughter is part of the Chorale and although she loves singing, she is not into the modern pop rock songs. I even tried to drag her and her friends to a Shawn Mendez concert with me but they refuse to go. All her classes are Honors or Advanced Placement classes and they test better than other students at other schools. I am confident I made the right decision in keeping my kids at the school. I can sacrifice everything, work two job, do whatever it takes, but I will never sacrifice on their education and environment.I know that I am not doing anything wrong. I know that although the school granted me tuition assistance it doesn't mean I have to just eat bread and drink water every day. I am able to have vacations and still enjoy life as long as I continue to make the payments and not fall behind. But, I don't know why I still feel bad and it projected on my daughter that I did something wrong. I spoke to both my children after reading everyone's responses here. I told them that we didn't do anything wrong and listened to their feelings about this situation. What happened was, my son's teacher (always known her to be a B*) asked him why he was late to school one day.. he told her that he had to go to the post office to get a passport. She asked if he was traveling, etc. Once she found out, she went and told the administrator at my daughter's high school (my son is in middle school, different departments) the administrator then approached my daughter to confirm it was true. My daughter was scared cuz the administrator looked upset and my daughter felt we did something bad and she will not be allowed to go back to the school next year. I assured her that I will personally have a talk with this administrator and let her know that we did nothing wrong. Should they choose to not enroll my children again next year, then that is their decision. I will find another school for them. My ex husband is not in the picture and I prefer him to not be in the picture. The last time I had to move and asked for his help (this was 3 years after our divorce), he got upset at me during a conversation and slapped the back of my head so hard.. I was driving at the time and both kids were in the car. That was very dangerous as I could have gotten into an accident. Both kids were scared and cried and that was when I decided I will cut all contact. Any amount of money from him is not worth the amount of abuse from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (25 February 2017):
 You didn't do anything wrong. Teenagers are hard to raise and especially teen age daughters can be a real nightmare. My daughter was 13 going on 30 thought she knew everything and I was a constant source of embarrassment to her. Her friends liked me and thought I was cool but she said I should be a mom not a friend..ugh! It wasn't until she got older that she told me I had been a great mom and she realized how hard she had been on me. Its just tough being a mom! You hang in there!
I'd dig down deeper into the situation at the school, something doesn't sound quite right. Go over heads if need be. As others have stated...make sure the dad is paying his share. The burden shouldn't have to be on you alone. And enjoy that vacation hun! You deserve it!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): Is your ex-husband paying child support?
If no, then as a mother it is your responsibility to obtain a court order of support.
He is legally and morally obligated to provide financial support to the fullest extent of his ability to pay.
Child support is child support, not ex-wife support, and if you are struggling financially then you owe it to you children to do whatever you can to help them out.
And if I were living paycheck-to-paycheck, sending my kids to a private Christian school would be very low on my priority list.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): You did everything right mom.She is 15.This is normal for a 15 year old.They do grow out of this.Gosh when my daughter was 15 we had a hell of a time.She is now 26 and we are super close.One thing to do though is educate her about safe sex and get her birth control.All my daughter's friends who had Christan families who chose not to educate their daughters about this were grandparents while their kids were still in high school.As for the school are you really sure about the education being good? My parents sent me to a Christian school and when we left that school we were actually like 2 years behind public school.My sister got a college scholarship but failed because she could not even begin to understand the coursework because that Christian school had failed her.All that could be learned at that Christian school was how to be relgious.I would explain to them how it took 4 years of saving very hard to go.If they still act stupid I would pull my kids out of that school.The reason is thou shall not judge unless there be judged.They are not acting like real Christians....They are judging you breaking gods commandment.Rethink public school it sometimes is better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): It might be best to clear this whole thing up.
Who is this administrator and what right has she over how you spend your hard earned cash?
It might be a good idea to complain immediately to the head about someone casting a dubious eye over your claim for assistance.
A little comment like that can have quite a big impact and needs to be nipped in the bud, preferably with an apology as it has impacted the mother/daughter bond.
Is this administrator jealous of you and yours?
Are her own kids in the same school?
Dig a little deeper to see why she made these inappropriate
comments!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (25 February 2017):
 The hardest job in the world: being a mother. HUGS.
Personally I don't think you did anything wrong, but your daughter is a teenager and will be finding holes in everything you do. She is probably (understandably) upset about her change of life style. She will also possibly be feeling "second rate" because her tuition fees are subsidised by the school (what a lovely school to do this for you). The school had to investigate your financial circumstances. Add to this how sensitive and easily embarrassed teenagers can be, and you can start to understand why she will be feeling mortified by it all.
You need to sit her down and explain exactly how desperate things are and exactly how you managed to scrape the money together (over the course of 4 years) to fund their airfares. Tell her you hate the way you have to scrimp and save now but you will sacrifice anything to make your children as happy as possible.
I am assuming their father does not contribute towards their welfare. Is there any reason why you cannot chase him for maintenance?
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 February 2017):
You didn't do anything wrong, but it may go against their rules.
Quite honestly, if you have children who want to learn, you don't need them at a private school, just at a good public school. Also, off-topic (but important), what will a Christian school teach your children about safe sex? Not just abstinence, I hope?
Your daughter is confused and that's why she's acting out. It should cool off when this situation does.
Are they still allowing you to have the tuition, even if you visit your home country? If not, I think it's best to change your children's school(s). Private schools aren't always better, but they are expensive.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): You did nothing wrong and you are doing your best, a great job at that raising your kids as a single mother. When i was your daughters age although I loved my parents I was easily embarrassed by them. Sometimes for no reason, its just a phase kids go through. Your daughter will realize how much sacrifice you made for her and your son with time, so you shouldn't worry about if she understands now or not. Now that im older it brings tears to my eyes when I think back and realize just how much sacrifice my parents made for me and im so grateful, but it took time and maturity.
...............................
|
