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Suspicious of my husbands sexuality

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 January 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 12 February 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

please help! i have been married almost 4 years, and have been together 15 years. in the beginning my husband and i could not get enough of each other. now my husbands behavior is bothersome to me. i have suspicions that he could be bi. i caught him looking up gay sites on the internet, and while having sex he talks about my old boyfriends and wants to know the size of their penis. he has also said that if he could reach himself, he would give himself a bj. also, he fantasizes about eating his own sperm. he also would love to have a threesome and ask me if it would bother me if we did, if it would bother me him giving another male a bj? our sex life has changed dramatically. there are times we go two weeks not having sex. his job as a firefighter he is at the firestation 24 on 48 off. i noticed sometimes he will get a shower in the morning before work instead of the night before which he has never done. also, he has a very hard time getting an erection, i thought was due to his vascetomy. i know for a fact he would not tell me the truth, and don't know how to catch him at work if something is going on there. there was a time when we had the chance for a threesome, and he was very mad i would not go through with it. it also bothers me that he wants this because i feel like there is no respect for me. i just don't know what to do anymore, but also not sure if my gut feeling is true. by the way his son will be 17 this year and has never had a girlfriend. his son shows all signs of being gay. i don't know where to turn or who to talk to. please help!

View related questions: at work, erection, never had a girlfriend, sex life, sperm, the internet, threesome

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your input on my situation. I am not stopping my stepson or even talking to him about his love life. He is not doing well in school, and has no desire to do anything. I acually feel bad for him because he has pretty much raised himself. He lives with his mom, and there is no rules in that house. They can come and go as they please, and has no parental guidance. I have been trying to help, but I am the stepmom. Shame on both the parents, including my husband! As, far as my husbands sexual whatevers, he can do whatever he wants, but it is not fair for me to be sitting back wondering whats next? I give my all in this marraige, and not receive anything in return. My husband is very self centered, just like his daughter. I have never seen anything like this before, and try very hard to make everyone happy! I think some of this is my fault also, because I have spoiled my husband by doing everything for him. Thanks to all who have responded to my question, as for now I will continue to sit back and wait. Have a Great Day!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009):

Well as far as Your husband is concerned, he may have a gay single fantasy he needs to live out... Or is putting some thought into things and will move on in time.... As for Your son, SO WHAT!!!! If he has not had a girlfriend in his limited 17 years??!?? Are you the type of mother that would see academics and studies decline so he may risk his future career and education to chase immature, flirty, girls? Kudos to him on priority... Girls are temporary when young, and dumb is forever... let the lad learn and grow his mind. Better a contestant on Jeopardy, than a poster child for STDs and teenage fatherhood. I speak from the nerd isle myself, but have a BS in computer science and owned my own house at 23.. Let the lad be, in time he may pursue it if he wants, and if not he is still your sonny boy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009):

I adore fireman, but sometimes they have too much time on their hands 'waiting' for an emergency. I know they lift weights, (some)look at porn, and when boredom sets in, some bozo might proposition a co-worker into a sexual act. I think you should investigate(subtly) what goes on at his work. Tell him this is not acceptable in your marriage-it's still cheating.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your input! I am being very observant, and taking note of many things. The not knowing, is bothersome. I am just getting more depressed, and wish I had answers. Confronting him with this would not help me because then he will know everything I have done to try and figure this out. Then he will be more cautious!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009):

He's probably bi honey. And as he gets older he realizes time is running out to fulfill his fantasies. Thus, his push towards them. I lived with a man who rarely wanted sex. I could NOT figure it out. Then one day I heard a cell phone ring in our dresser. Turned out he had a secret pre-paid cell phone and had forgotten to silence the ringer. From the Dialed Calls log I was able to discern the passcode to the voicemail.( It was an older type phone, I don't think new phones display every # that has been pushed.) Anyway, the messages on the phone were SHOCKING to say the least. Many many of these in-the-closet married men, even men with girlfriends, are having risky male-to-male hook-ups. Meeting off craigs list ads, in parking lots, etc. No one would EVER guess that my man was having sex with men. EVER! Very macho. As your firefighter guy probably is. Turns out that in the bi or gay world, there is usually a "Top" or a "Bottom". A "giver" or a "receiver". Many men who accept bj's or are the Top during anal sex do not consider themselves gay or bi. Since the "bottom" is the more accommodating, receiving one. Just let me say again, for every "bottom" effeminate acting gay/bi man there is a "top" manly man who no one would EVER imagine was gay or bi. You cannot tell. Many many of these men are married. I would put a tape recorder on your home phone landline. And spyware on the home computer. You have a right to know for your own health. Go to a clinic and immediately get tested for all STD's and HIV. I'm sorry honey, none of this is easy.

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A male reader, cherie38 United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2009):

hi have you tried aking your hubby? it does seem to me that his behaviour has changed somewhat dont let this question eat away aat you just ask him outright watch his facial expressions and if he gets mad and fidgety and overly denies it then you have your answer hun bin there got the t shirt book etc x

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A male reader, yum yum Switzerland +, writes (17 January 2009):

yum yum agony auntIt looks like to me that your husband has some pronounced homersexual tendancies, he could be homersexual or bisexual. I do not believe that your husband is 100% heterosexual. I believe Your husband is not and was not nessesarly in love with you, however he could have loved you as a person and also have been attracted to you but not infactuated with you. You need to have a chat with your husband about his sexual preferences and sexual orientation. Tell him exactly why you are suspicious and try and listen and stay calm. You should have understanding for your husband because he could have been living his past in the state of self-deception regarding his sexuality and has only accepted his sexuality recently.

However your husband needs to respect that you don't want to go along with his kinky sexual desires. If you believe that his sun is gay, then you should support him and tell him that you have no problem if he's gay. Take care!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):

Yes, he has an interest in men at this point in his life. You do not ask about penis size and how you would react if in a threesome he is giving another man a bj if you are not.

If this is something you are comfortable with you can talk to him and see if you can incorporate that into your life. He is probably confused/ashamed depending on what he is like. He is not going to just come out and admit it, so talking about it as if it is a problem will make him defensive, make him shut down, but he will continue to explore this side, but in an even sneakier fashion.

He has to know that it is okay, and you are okay, you understand he is exploring. This should open the conversation more and not have him shut down. If he is willing to ask if you would have a threesome and mind him giving a bj, well he is open to talking, but don't embarrass him.

If you cannot handle that and his exploration is too much to handle you need to look at leaving this relationship as he is going to continue to sneak and you will continue to have an unsatisfying sex life.

This is not about not respecting you, this is about something that is going on in him that he is not just going to be able to turn off. Basically you will have to learn to live with this or leave is my guess.

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