A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is just a work related question but it's been bugging me for a while. I feel can't speak to anyone.I have been in my role nearly a year, I love my job, get on well with all my colleagues and I am learning so much. When I started I got friendly with a few guys and we seem to have a lot of banter between us. Nothing flirty or anything, we all just get on well. After a short while a girl who has worked for the company for a few years got friendly with us so we kinda had a little "group" going. We all go for lunch together, sit together and also have a group chat outside work. I believe that it's starting to get too close for colleagues to be at this point but I tend to be the most quiet in the group and I don't go out for drinks etc after work. Anyway so here is the point that is bugging me, since this girl joined the group, it's turned from harmless jokes and funny stories to nasty bitching and horrific remarks about people in the team-two in particular( I will call them P and X) . This girl (the ringleader) sends emails to the group of us with nasty photos making fun of X's weight, saying she wants to "knock" P out just because P wanted to state her own opinion, saying "look at P's miserable face" etc. Yet she is lovely to their faces and X even thinks of this girl very highly. I never responded to any of these emails as it's childish however the guys in the group encourage this bully on and giggle and whisper at their desks(these are guys ranging from 25 to 40 by the way) causing our manager to look over in their direction. As we are sat together it is hard to avoid it too. Even though I never respond to the emails- she still copies me in, almost to make me responsible if she ever got caught , to make me accountable too. P is a nice girl who gets on with her work, she can be opinionated at times but she has never done anything to harm me.And X is one of the upper management in the team , she is a bit lazy at time and does pawn work off to other people but she is harmless and took me under her wing when I first started and helped me to feel more confident. I've always remained friendly and professional with them.Anyway - to the point! This bully is getting out of control, saying things out loud and makes fun of these two women daily. Nasty horrific remarks about X having affairs with people and her personal life and even mental disorders. As much as I want to stay out of it, I've never really had a group of people who liked me and I've always been a loner and bullied. However the more I see the more I want to cut ties. If I was to say anything this bully with could turn everyone against me in the company - everyone seems to love her- and I'd be alienated. But I've been bullied exactly the same way before , especially in my previous workplace and if X saw the emails , she would bully this girl. I'm getting fed up of it and I'm tired of hearing constant whispers and giggling all day. I also worry myself- if she can be nice to someone's face and bitch like that, she can do it about me too. I even worry about what to wear because she judges people's clothing too. So this little clique is indirectly affecting me too. Finally... My question is- I have my first performance review coming up, a chance to talk one to one with my manager which I rarely get . Do I mention that this group in the team is becoming dangerous, or do I mention this girl is bullying people? Do I say anything ? Grass them up? I know that I am involved too and I will probably get into trouble too for it but it feels like it's the right thing to do ? :-( please help. I feel so guilty and so upset that it has got to this point, I wish I'd stayed out of the group to begin with.. :-( Thanks for reading
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 January 2017):
 I am interested to see what the outcome will be from this. Yes you are right going to management. I understand you want friends, but you don't want to be associated with bullies therefore pull back from that group. Go in to work and do your job. Don't look to make friends, when your day is up go home and make friends outside off work.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 January 2017):
 What do we do when we see a bully in action?
We confront him or her.
If I were in your position, I'd REPLY ALL on those emails and call her out right there for all to see and document.
You mentioned that you worried that she copies you in? That gives you the same in to do what's right and speak out against such things.
I'd reply to all of the recipients and her that making fun of people's looks, weight, mannerisms, or opinions are inappropriate and offensive in the workplace, and that you won't be part of it.
That serves two purposes - to stop the behavior AND to document your dissent of her words. Way too many people step back and say nothing for fear of a much stronger personality. But bullies aren't REALLY strong. This woman in particular feels threatened by her target, which is the source of every unkind thing she says. To underscore her weakness, she has to enlist you and others to bolster her abominable behavior, and you're right - she'll use you as a weapon against her target as well as a diversion when she is called out for it.
You cannot and must not remain silent, because silence *is* consent. Be strong in your fortitude and empathy towards her victim, and confident that doing the right thing may be the hard thing, but you are a leader waiting to break free from silence. The moment you speak out, you will get multiple confirmation from people not as strong as you are saying that they felt as you do.
I've been in your position before, in person. It's terrifying when you see the groupthink start coalescing behind a bully. You're afraid that speaking up makes you become the target. Let me say this - the moment a person likes you puts their foot down is the moment the mouse becomes the lion, and your voice becomes a roar. Kindness is one of the greatest strengths of humanity.
I'll be wishing you a lot of good feelings if this is the course you take! I've had to do it, and I've never regretted it a day in my life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): In case you need any more prompting (as I'm a shy person and its a big thing to deal with) - I would highly agree with honeypie. You need to speak to your manager and disown that person. You might get fall out for it, but that fall out will be coming regardless if management ever do find out and see you in the emails anyway. You've been bullied before, so I'm sure you understand from the victims point of view. I have had work place bullying happen to me and friends at different companies and it can have devastating and long-term effects on victims. If it was racism or sexism you would not stand for it. Don't let this pass. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): Thanks Honeypie for your sensible response. I've never been in this situation before so it's a strange one for me. I'm going to write up some notes this weekend just to take with me incase I struggle, I've got very low confidence so I always struggle to speak up sometimes , probably why I was dragged into this mess. I can have a very nervous voice and get a bit shakey and apprehensive about these things. I'm sure my manager can sense something is going on but I'm not sure he wants to upset anyone. Problem is it will continue to spiral out of control and it will only hurt people more in the long term . I've never wanted to be a bully , or involved with people who have outright said they "bullied kids in school when they were younger" and would never wish it in anyone so I'm going to take your advice and tackle it head on :-) !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 January 2017):
Step away from the group ASAP. If anyone EVEN the "ringleader" asks why, tell them you find her crude remarks about other co-workers malicious and you rather not be part of that, even if it means not being part of the group.
And yes, I would talk to your manager about it. If you were part of it, OWN it. Your manager can then decide if it needs to go to HR or you can decide that yourself, I'd just talk to your manager first.
And if the "bully" starts targeting you - SPEAK up RIGHT to her face and RIGHT to the manager and HR.
You seem to know what the "right" thing is to do, so DO it.
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