A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know that I am going to be judged for posting this, but that's okay. I need guidance.I am almost 39. My wife is going to be 42 this year and is already in menopause. We have no children, mostly because my wife is just not a sexual being. I think I would have liked that. She says so, too, but how can that be when she won't ever have sex? And by ever I mean EVER... not in years and years. About 3 years ago I met a younger, married woman. She will be 27 this year. Her husband works overseas and she is alone a lot. She is now a medical resident, whereas my wife is just a housewife who gave up her career (and her salary) because she was too stressed. I have been seeing my mistress a lot (not so much for sex, but just being together) and in May her husband will be returning to the US for an extended period. She has indicated to me that she is thinking of leaving him for me. He is 32, ex-military and really no match for her intellectually. It would be quite an upheaval for both of us. I know my wife would be devastated and I think my mistress' husband might react violently as he is former special forces. On the other hand, we just get along so well together and we seem so much better matched together than with our current partners. I am a successful engineer with a grad degree and she is a medical resident. My wife didn't finish her BA and my mistress's husband has just a BA. We (my mistress and I) can both see that we have potential for a much better life together, but we are still confused. I respect if she wants to commit to her husband and I have told her that many times, but she still wants to commit to me. From my point of view, it would be nice to have a wife I can still have children with - one who actually loves having sex with versus being irritated by it.To me, the choice seems obvious and that I should go to my mistress, but I feel terribly guilty about that. I guess maybe I am asking for someone to tell me that it is okay to leave a woman I don't love for one I do, even if she is married and even if it will hurt my wife who I still do love.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Hi,
I'd like to point out 2 things that you've mentioned:
1) lack of intimacy || sex is not everything in a marriage, but indeed is a big part. People need love, affection, attention, being touch, it's just part of being human and we all need that, so I have to agree with you.
2) during the years you've both grown apart || money is not everything in a marriage, but sure makes it difficult when you both start having financial problems, the stress, and not to mention that you need to think about the future. Another thing about your wife not having a job is that she's home all the time, alone, and that might cause her to loose confidence. Nothing to talk about, etc. The answers that your wife gave you, makes me believe that she's very defensive. She's angry, maybe depress? Mid-life crisis? She's very sensitive about the subject sex? I think that a married couple should always talk if there's any problems, and it seems like she's just angry?
Bottom line is, you should not compare your wife to anyone. It's wrong in many different levels, but the point is that you are not happy in your marriage in many different areas, and your wife is not willig to talk and compromise. I think the best thing you should do is to get a divorce, give yourself and your wife a chance to live a happy life. there's no reason why you should be in a unhappy marriage. This is not about cheating, your mistress, I could careless what you decide or whom you are going to be with, but do the honorable thing an get a divorce before this get out of hand. Just because you and your wife have different views in life, you don't need to hurt her by cheating, comparing her to another. Believe me, I don't think your wife is happy either, to me she has her own issues, but if she finds out you are cheating, you'll destroy her. I am sure your wife can handle divorce, but not sure cheating...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I won't defend your cheating.
But anyone who chronically denies their partner a sex life, who doesn't even make some token efforts, and there's no explanation for it . . . I don't have much sympathy for them either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): "However, when I was with my mistress I realized that relationships can be very good and how bad mine was. I did not leave my wife sooner because I had just come to accept my life."A big mistake that many people in affairs make is comparing their affair relationship to their marriage to make the choice of whether to stay or leave. It's like comparing apples to oranges. Your marriage and your relationship with your mistress are two very different types of relationships, with different set ups, expectations, obligations and constraints. Thus they bring out different sides of the people. That's one reason why they "feel" so different to you. You do not live with your mistress, you don't share finances, daily chores, you don't encroach on one another's space, you don't see as many of each other's little irritating or annoying habits. You don't have to put up with each other's "issues". You don't get "screwed" when the other person does something that seriously affects you too. These are the problems that come with being officially married to someone because when you're married you entangle your personal life and space with your spouse. In an affair, you are protected by a huge buffer zone from the other person's "issues."When you're in an affair, it's like casual dating. The attraction is there, and there is a wealth of potential. But it's still just the beginning and that's all it is - potential. If you weren't married and your mistress wasn't married, then for sure you SHOULD pursue a real relationship with her if you're hitting it off together so well, because clearly there is potential. You and her really could turn out to be happily married. Or, it might go the way of so many other relationship and eventually end once you entwine your lives together for real. It doesn't matter at the beginning of the relationship because you are free to pursue it and develop it and see where it leads and that decision involves no one else except you two. No one else is getting hurt if two single and available people want to pursue a real relationship.But to make the assumption that your affair relationship is anything more than just potential, to claim that it is the REAL thing compared to your marriage, is incorrect. And thus, to make a decision to leave your marriage for your mistress, is to base your decision on an incorrect assumption. I'm not saying it couldn't work out with your mistress. It definitely could. there is obviously some of the necessary ingredients there. but it's no guarantee. You would have to treat it like any other new relationship - there is a huge and great potential to be compatible life partners, and every new relationship feels great and promising at the beginning stages and I don't just mean time-wise, but 'developmentally wise' too...and being an affair your relationship is always a relationship that's at the beginning stages no matter how long it's been going on time-wise because of all the constraints around it that stunt its development. Just saying that your mistress has potential but you just don't know for sure that it is the real deal until you are actually in a real open and honest and committed relationship with her rather a secret one, or one that is bound by so many constraints and where you necessarily have not shared in each other's lives intimately. If you want to leave your wife for your mistress, because you feel your marriage truly is a dead end and ANYTHING would be better than staying with her, then that is a valid option. But if you're leaving because you believe that life with your mistress is guaranteed to be better than what you have now with your wife, that's not such a good reason because you're not making a valid comparison. Your mistress could turn out to have a whole lot of different issues of her own that you as yet don't know about until you're actually living with her and having to interact with her in a very different way and share the burden of daily life with her and get inconvenienced or suffer because of her issues. choose wisely!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Your wife has serious issues she needs to sort out as its unfair and wrong to be married and have issues that hurt hour spouse and to not do anything to fix it. Her sexual issues are not just her problem because she is married so they're your problem too. And she just quit working completely because she couldn't handle the stress and expects you to support her as if she was a child? That's bs! No able bodied non disabled adult should expect another person to give them money for everything. I think she is using you. If her career was too stressful no problem she should switch careers or get some professional help to deal with anxiety. Instead she just completely quit and expects you to be responsible for providing all her living expenses and resources. Its not like she is even raising your kids. She simply decided to opt out of life and take no responsibility for herself as an adult or as a marriage partner. She is not committed to your marriage just for the fact of being physically there and using you.I don't blame you for wanting out of this so called marriage. But its just too bad that you chose to start something new without ending this first. That's not right either. That's not living with integrity. You can still end your marriage now but you no longer have the moral high ground.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): OP once more (sorry):Yes, my wife is in menopause. Her mom also had an early menopause. Back when my wife was in her mid-30's I told her that she should be medically checked out because it does not seem normal to have no sexual desire. First, she got very, very upset at me for suggesting that she go to a doctor. She figured I just wanted something from her (sex). I asked her to go to an endocrinologist soon (before she turned 40) in case she wanted to have kids. She got angry and said "So if I turn 40 and can't then I might do something drastic, right? That defines my value as a woman?" Let me tell you, I was not pressuring her at all. I wasn't even sure I wanted kids at that time, but I wanted HER to decide before it was too late so that she would not blame ME later. That is, I was supportive either way. I also wanted to make sure she was healthy. I can't imagine not ever wanting sex or even masturbating. I know she was a sexual person at some point in her life and we made love a few times a week when the relationship was new.Long story short, she claims that she went to a doctor and everything is fine. To be honest, I think she was lying. Oh, I do know she went to a doctor, but I do not think she mentioned her low libido or had any hormonal tests performed because there were not follow-up visits. I do not think she ever saw an endocrinologist. I think she just went and had a physical to shut me up. The other thing I want to say is that it was only my lover who showed me how good things can be in a relationship. I had totally forgotten and resigned myself to "married life" thinking that's how all relationships end up. Any friends who were married and said they were happy were just liars. Sex stops a couple of years into a relationship, right?, despite the fact my friends married 12 years were having kids. I was just being a good husband by not being demanding of my wife and ignoring my base desires. After all, I am not 21 any more. Married, adult men are above those things.However, when I was with my mistress I realized that relationships can be very good and how bad mine was. I did not leave my wife sooner because I had just come to accept my life. It was my mistress who showed me that there can be a lot more to a long-term relationship. Yes, I suppose that it's possible all fires fade, but with my wife they started to fade so quickly. My mistress and I relate in ways I never did with my wife - ever - not even when the relationship was fresh and new. Do we always get along? No, but I respect her and I haven't respected my wife since before we were married. I think my wife believes that things are fine and I am petty. I told her once I would leave her because I was unhappy with our sex life and she said: "SEX? This (our argument) is all about SEX? Give me a break."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Your wife is in menopause at age 41? She's many, many years early for this and obviously needs to talk to her doctor. Whatever she has going on is not common or normal. Her lack of libido is most likely a part of this medical abnormality.
Perhaps this abnormal situation has led you to seek a relationship outside the marriage, with a person who is also married.
It seems pretty sad to end a marriage based on a self-diagnosis of lack of love when it may be something else.
Again, your wife is in menopause at age 41, which would suggest she entered it at age 40 or earlier. There seems to me to be a medical issue which needs qualified medical help. How sad that you may have made life-changing decisions without accurate medical knowledge.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 April 2012):
If you've been in a marriage that you really dont' want to be in but have been staying in for negative reasons like guilt or obligation, it's often only a matter of time before you meet someone new that you want to be with. People who are happy in their marriages wouldn't be interested in developing intimacy (whether emotional or physical) with others and mentally pursuing other people as potential partners. But if you wait until you've reached this stage before doing something about that marriage that you never truly wanted to stay in, now you're unfortunately in a lose-lose situation: finally leave your marriage and be condemned for being an adulteror and abandoning your spouse for someone new, or continue to stay in your marriage (with or without the new person in the picture on the side) and continue to be miserable.
it's of course easy to point out on hindsight that you should have left your wife a long time ago before there was anyone new in your life, so that you could be single and available when that new special person does finally cross paths with you. Either that or resolve to stay miserably married forever if it is important to you to feel "good" about staying married. (This is of course assuming that there is just no way to improve your relationship with your wife or that you don't want to try.)
so really what that means is that given the situation you allowed to happen, there is no easy way out. If you leave your wife now, because there's someone new in your life, you WILL have to suffer the moral judgment and condemnation of others and the guilt that induces. Given that you're highly driven by guilt (since that is what has kept you in your marriage for so long), this could take a significant toll on your mental health. You will have to change some things about your thinking, not just make the outward physical change of leaving your marriage and getting together with someone new. Often, changing the way we think is a lot more difficult than changing what we do on the outside. Yet if you try to avoid guilt and others' judgment by staying on in your marriage, you're right back where you were at square one, which is miserable and stuck.
Therefore, I think this isn't just a matter of whether it's "OK" to leave your wife or not, because that very way of framing the situation implies you're needing the permission of other people to make your decision. And if it's others' permission and approval that you are basing your decision on, rather than on taking responsibility for your own decisions based on your own values and beliefs, then whatever choice you make will be the wrong one for you.
So I think it's not so clear cut as whether you should do A or B. It sounds like you have actually decided that you would be better off with your mistress, but are not proceeding to do that because of certain fears related to how you will be perceived, or because of fear of being the bad guy in hurting your wife. There's no way out of this except to acknowledge that yes you will hurt your wife if you leave her, and yes people will perceive you negatively for it. So, what does this mean to YOU? What context do you put this in? Is this really about your wife, or is it more about something else in yourself? what are your values and beliefs and principles as far as how you should be living your life?
In the end you have to find a decision that you can be at peace with, otherwise that decision will be the wrong one for you. But to make peace with certain outcomes requires that you examine your current beliefs and ways of thinking, and maybe make some changes. It's fine to seek other people's opinions, but don't make that the deciding factor because then you are short-circuiting your own self-reflection process and thus will probably not get you closer to truly being at peace with any decision, whatever it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): "I guess maybe I am asking for someone to tell me that it is okay to leave a woman I don't love for one I do, even if she is married and even if it will hurt my wife who I still do love."
Yes it's OK to leave your wife if you truly in your heart just don't want to be with her. Staying married to someone only out of guilt is no way to live and doesn't do your wife any favors as well, it's insulting and demeaning to her. So yes, you should leave your wife.
I don't know if it will work out with your new woman though. You might find that if you and her got married that you will have your own unique set of problems. It could work out, or it might not. You don't know. therefore a word of caution is to not leave your wife solely on the basis that the new woman surely is going to be that much better. Treat it as with any new relationship - it might work or it might not, the only way to know is to do it and see where it leads but know that it's still a risk it might not work out too.
but one thing is for sure which is that given the way you feel about your wife, you should leave your wife regardless of whether your other woman is going to leave her husband to be with you or not. Yes it will hurt her to have you leave. But staying with her forever purely out of guilt is demeaning to her. At least by leaving her she has a chance to some day find a new man who will love her for who she is. By staying married to you she has no chance to ever find a man who will actually want her as she will be stuck with a man who is only with her out of pity and guilt.
So yes, it is OK to leave your wife on the basis that you just don't believe that you can ever be happy with her no matter what and that it was a big mistake to marry her. But know that once you leave her for another woman, if the new relationship doesn't work out, don't you dare go crawling back to your wife. Letting your wife go means that you have decided it's not working out between you so it's for the best. Crawling back to her later on if your new relationship fails means that you were always only looking out for yourself only.
it would be better if both you and the new woman left your marriages and stayed single for some time (say a year), before starting to date each other. Get used to being out of your old marriage first, end that relationship fully which emotionally takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. don't just replace your wife with a new woman straight away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): I think the only concern you should have here is about the husband of your mistress. I can't say from the details you have given whether he deserves this. May be your mistress can talk to him about it and convince him.
But don't feel guilty about your wife or don't feel that you owe anything to her. The law might require you to support her financially but that doesn't mean you owe her an apology or an explanation. She failed to fulfill one of your most basic needs and you are more than entitled to find it somewhere else. What if you refused to give her food and she got it from someone else? Will anybody call it "cheating"? The way all logic goes out of the window when it comes to sex is ridiculous and it just shows that even in this 21st century people can't come to terms with the simple fact that we are sexual beings. This is just self-loathing peculiar to the human species. Don't care about the people who judge you.. including yourself. Life is short and you deserve to be happy. Don't feel guilty. I actually find you to be a nice man who cares about the feelings of his wife who doesn't care about his feelings. Since you are worried that your wife might be devastated, take it slowly. Try to reason with her. Break it to her in a nice way. And hope for the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012):
OP here:
All of the advice about leaving my wife independent of what my mistress does is good advice. If she follows then great and if not then I get what I deserve.
I do want to address a couple of points, though.
First, I am aware that my mistress and I are cheaters and people say that those who cheat are likely to do so again. I am not sure how true that is, but this is not something either of us set out to do and we don't take it lightly. We both feel like terrible people. It's not like we just jump from bed to bed while married. Neither of us has ever done anything like this before and we have grave misgivings about what we've done. We are not smug about it.
Second, I think a lot of assumptions were made about my relationship with my wife. Yes, I suppose I was a coward for staying as long as I have, but she is the one who was unwilling to communicate and unwilling to work through her issues as I twisted in the wind trying to save this marriage. Even though I wanted to marry a career woman (which she was when we met), I stayed with her anyway after the stress caused her to quit. This has affected our lifestyle and I think that is relevant. We never had financial worries before. Now we do and it's a big stress on me as the breadwinner. I would like my wife to help out a little, but she's just not capable of holding even a part-time job at this point. She tries and never lasts long.
Where before we were both on the same level, over the years I have grown a lot and she has not. I was her rock for many years while she tried to figure her life out. However, now I am coming to see that she is unwilling or unable to return the favor to me. She doesn't see sex as an issue in the marriage. She won't go to counseling. Where does that leave me?
When I met my mistress I did not know she was married. We became friends first and lovers only much later. She said she got married young and then her husband left for war so they never really had a married life together. After he left the service, he could not find any jobs stateside and left her to work as a contractor overseas. She has been working her own way through medical school (with the help of loans). Now he is coming back and says he wants to live a married life with her after all, but so many years have passed that it seems to be too late. I did advise her to give it a go, but she feels like I do about my wife, which is that she has grown a lot and he did not. He was also the one to have left her here alone for money and excitement. Now that she's close to being a doctor, I wonder if that plays into his decision to suddenly want to make a life with her.
So we are maybe two cowardly people who stayed in bad marriages too long for various reasons: some selfish and some not. However, the advice is clear in that we need to act independently of each other and I will heed that.
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A
female
reader, kary +, writes (3 April 2012):
Hello.I say go with ure heart & be happy.Sex is VERY much important in a relationship.there's no need to cheat if u have a good 100% woman/man who supports u in every way.as for her taking u to court if she wants,dnt feel guilty & let her slide with taking ure money.ok maybe u should leave her with something but if she is fully capable of working it is not ure fault she chose to be lazy or didn't decide to get help with her stress.there's alot of medication, support groups & more for people to use an excuse.hope this helps:-)
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 April 2012):
Dont start another fire until you've put out the one you're in......both of you.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Hey man. I wont judge ill try to be objective here. Im not going to take sides for who fault it is that ur own marriage is bad. Both parties r usually wrong to some degree. That said seems like itd be better for u to move on. If its with this younger woman i dont know if its best. Suppressing guilt isnt easy or fun. This could be a bad sign for u for any future with her. Sit down one nite n weigh the positives and negatives of two situations leaving ur wife and being with the married woman. Compare each n weigh them out. True bollocks is following ur heart. Logic works best if u wanna be happy otherwise its a risk. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Wow, I am amazed at the amount of hate this question has received so far!
Sex is extremely important for a happy marriage.
I agree with others that you probably should divorce your wife, but, I would not immediately have kids with your mistress. Children need stable parents. I get the feeling that your future marriage to the mistress might not be that stable.
The other thing is, and maybe this doesn't matter to you, but if she is willing to leave her husband for you, I would bet she'd be willing to leave you in a few years for somebody better. There's always a bigger fish.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): You what cracks me up when I read stories like this? The justifications, the excuses, the no accountability, the absolute disregard for marriage vows anymore, like it's all a joke.
1. Let your wife go so she can find a faithful, trustworthy and respectable new partner. Regardless of what your mistress is going to do.
2. Why not just move in together and don't do the married part, because down the road, you will get bored with each other and the cycle of bullshit will come around again to justify why you are unable to stay monagomous and don't have a real problem ruining other people's lives, since you are both cheaters...you will cheat on each other eventually. At least walk into THAT with your eyes wide open.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): I won't comment on your adultery but what has ticked me off is your condascending tone and attitude because of your wife and your mistress' husband so called lower level of education. How dare you!!!! So what if you and your hunny bunny are so highly qualified? Does a piece of paper determine your morals? Does a qualification determine whether u are a better, a decent human being? Does your very high intellectual capacity of both yourself and your lover dictate whether you two actually do know about honesty and integrity??Violence by your lovers husband bec he is not well educated and bec he was in the special forces unit? He is ex military so this means that he is below average??? What a load of bull!!!! How about he can and will get physical bec his darling so called faithful wife is anything but faithful???? Your hunny bunny is now a medical resident: who is paying for her studies? You? Her husband? A bursary? Did she work previously? Her husband has contributed to her financial welfare didn't he? Well if he was good enough for her to use him and use his finances ...... (Best left unsaid, isn't it?)On second thought let me address your adultery: you and your highly educated lover are very well suited to each other. Your uneducated wife and your lover's somewhat lowly educated husband is actually better off without you two superficial, callous, perfectly matched individuals. You can throw on a suit on any individual, yes that person may look professional, may be able to con others but people see right through this falseness. I am a professional: a law degree, other post graduate qualification as well. I earn much more than my husband. He is an artisan. I will Never trade him in. I will also not belittle him bec of his qualification or lack thereof. I do not determine his worth by a piece of paper or the money he brings home. His value is so much more than that: he is a solid man, he is faithful to me, he is mature, he is hard working, he is a shoulder to cry on when I need to discuss the professional hypocrites I deal with, he buys me roses or cuts them from our garden, he remembers my fav chocolate, he tries not to make me conscious of my booty(delicious) bum, he tells me I talk too much, he's my man: good or bad: he's a keeper, my keeper!!!SO OP, your adultery issue: well I'm sure u will get wise counsel from the others. Regarding your contempt and your lack of respect for people who u deem beneath you, you have no right!!! When there is integrity issues, a piece of paper is worthless. It doesn't determine your character, your class or creed. BTW: I have a lot of respect for military folkes: wish more people were like them! Honour! Now that's a word some people cannot spell! LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 If a friend told you he was staying in his marriage because he felt guilty, you would tell him he is being ridiculous and needs to leave wouldnt you?! Guilt is not a reason to stay in a marriage.
Perhaps if it is easier for you come clean to your wife about this affair you have been having - I'm sure your wife will make the very easy decision to leave you once she knows the truth.
Look, quite simply by having this affair you are not being fair on your wife. Surely she deserves a man who loves her enough not to sleep around behind her back? You claim to love your wife (sorry but you dont, if you loved her you wouldnt have started the affair) - so if you have any sort of feelings left for her then let her go, so she can be happy with a man who wants her, and not some younger model
on the side.
You have broken your vows, you have been lying to your wife for years, you are not compatible sexually....there really is nothing keeping you together apart from your (rather pathetic) guilty conscience because you know you have been doing something really terrible for years. I reckon if your wife knew about the affair you wouldnt have to make the choice, she would be long gone.
End the marriage, it is way over-due and you need to do it, so you can both move on and be happy. The mistress is irrelevant in all of this - regardless of her the marriage isnt working, it hasnt been working for years and you need to call it a day.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): OP guilt is not a good basis for staying with someone you don't love is it?
I've never seen guilt as a corner stone for any relationship. First things first OP, forget your mistress for now and focus on whether your marriage is something you should be in. To me it's not. So you need to man the hell up and get out of that regardless of whether you have a future with your mistress.
OP for someone who claims to be intelligent you're acting like a spineless fool. Admit it. You won't leave your wife out of guilt? You won't leave her unless you're sure your mistress will be there waiting for you? What part of that is intelligent? You should feel more guilty that you're not man enough to stop stringing your sexless wife along in an unhappy marriage and instead sleeping with someone else's wife. That's not a judgement by the way it's cold hard logic.
Forget your mistress as factor in your decision about your marriage, what if she decided to end it tomorrow? Would you just stay married then?
I'm not going to tell you that it's okay to leave your wife for your mistress because chances are if you do and your mistress suddenly realizes that it's no longer just talk and fantasy but she actually has to make a real choice, then she may well flake and then you'll be left with nothing, you may even be left with a resentful wife who creams you in the divorce because of your infidelity, an ex-mistress who decided to open up to her Spec-OP husband in order to try and save her marriage, and a very angry, battle hardened killer with the tools and know how to fuck you up bad on your case.
You would be wise to first sort out your marriage if you want to leave, then do so, do not let the love of a woman who could very possibly have a change of heart be a deciding factor, it's too big a decision to rely on others to make for you.
Get a trial separation, build up a bit of a life for yourself and see what happens then. Only when you're a free single man should you consider anything with your mistress.
You claim you're intelligent well do what you need to do to ensure your long term future and happiness. This marriage is not that and you can't rely on the word of a lying cheat either, so don't be a fool and create a sustainable life for yourself and see if she follows. Don't be hopeless idiot romantic that thinks you can run off together. Both of you will be screwed in your prospective divorces, and you may find without thrill and excitement of the cloak and daggers affair that you're just not compatible.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (3 April 2012):
 I think It's time you MAN UP and divorce your wife. You should have done this a long time ago if you weren't happy.
I divorced my husband when I realized we weren't connecting anymore. I had nobody to fall back on either. Just had my two children with me. I am proud that I did the ((right thing.))
Like Honeypie stated.. Grow some Balls!! Guys like you make me not want to marry again. Disgusting...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 April 2012):
 What an arrogant prig you sound you should do your wife a massive favour and set her free to find true love .
Poor woman is all i can say not just your cheating but the attitude you have toward wife and life , I hope she finds happiness with a man who IS in love with her.
Get out , so you can both be in a real relationship rather than some sham of a marriage together.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (3 April 2012):
Wow that is a mess. This very sad. Her husband is overseas fighting for his country and his own life and shes cheating with a married man at that. You have both caused a very painful situation for your spouses. I can understand that your wife hasnt had sex in years, but if thats so and its something you needed to address years ago. You should have explained to her it was what you needed to be satisfied and happy. Maybe you love her but its not the partnership love it sounds like more of a friend love if that. I would suggest that you and your mistriss have a long talk and really think about what you are doing, get details about what you want for your future together cross your ts and dot your is. You owe your wife an explanation and appology as long as its honest and you need to tell her everything. Your plans, how long youve cheated and about your mistress, and whatever else she wants to know be honest and sincere with her. She will have to start her life over entirely and may expect spousal support as well.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2012):
 Gosh what a load of selfish self serving bollocks!
You know if you wife is so terribly unmatched and asexual why are you still WITH her? You certainly aren't doing it for her sake.
You are no longer in love with your wife (if you ever were) and you present yourself as some martyr who has this ball and chain *the wife* and that is your life. Grow a set! You are hitting 40 soon, isn't it about time you grow up and start using that brain of yours?
I'm sorry, you wife hitting menopause, not wanting kids and not wanting sex is no excuse to cheat. That is what divorces are for. I have a suspicion that she wasn't sexual when you dated before you got married and hopefully you two discussed children ads well? Or no? You just assumed she wanted some and she just assumed you didn't?
Shit or get off the pot basically. Figure out what YOU want in life and then go for it. Divorce your wife, let her find someone who will appreciate her for who she is and you do your thing.
You don't think cheating on your wife isn't hurtful? You think she deserves a douche like you?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Personally I think you owe it to your wife to sit her down and tell you you find her beneath you.
You say you love her but you don’t. All you do is justify why she’s not as good as you and why you should leave her. If you loved her you would not want to leave her.
I say do her a favor and leave her… but be prepared to pay dearly for it in emotional upheaval and financially as well. IF she is not working and you have been married a long time, they you will probably need to pay alimony. I got alimony in my first divorce because I was a SAHM and he needed to support me till I found a job…. And he was a good man and he did so. Be a good man… support her financially till she can get on her feet and get a better life without you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Why have you stayed in a marriage so long when you are not in the least bit happy in it. You wanted children,more sex, intellect, all things you say your wife hasnt or doesnt want to give you.
Why dont you just leave her, I cannot see how she would be devastated to lose you , maybe your income but thats all . Perhaps she has a lover waiting for her.
I mean , you have a woman lined up to go to now , so sort out your life get your ducks in line and set your poor wife free.
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