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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 38 year old British male, I was wondering if anybody has any advice that works, I have never been in a relationship with a woman in my entire life. I have tried 12 different dating sites wasting thousands of pounds, I have been to speed dating sessions, I have tried talking to women in bars, supermarkets, coffee shops and libraries to no avail. I have joined clubs, night classes and attended social events that hold no interest for me just in order to meet people. Female friends I have, have all told me that I am a kind, generous, friendly, witty, caring guy, but they have all elected to marry someone else. People I have asked have said that I don't come across as desperate, and yet, every woman I meet makes up some poor excuse to not even give me a chance. Any advice that works would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're wrong WiseOwlE, my objective is not to dismiss all suggestions as futile and pointless, I was simply informing the people giving those suggestions that I have already tried them. I still don't see my replies as being dismissive or "shooting down" people's suggestions, I am quite prepared to try something new if somebody can suggest something new. However, you have filled up my answers with your opinions rather than ideas or suggestions or advice so can you please not respond to any new question I put up please? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): Can't any of you see where this guy is coming from? In his own mind he's never had a girlfriend - imagine what that must feel like - and has tried pretty much anything and everything and has come on this site as a last resort seeing if he's missed anything - most of the things suggested are things that most people would already have thought of or tried and, after years and years of trying, he's a bit fed up and just pointing out to people that he's already tried things. When you suggest something that doesn't make sense, he's honestly told you and when you suggest something he's tried, he's told you that too.He doesn't come across to me as desperate at all or resilient to your responses - just very fed up and at a loss as to what to do - what's he supposed to say to you all? Thanks so much for giving me quite thoughtless answers? Janniepeg is also a great advisor most of the time, but I have also known times when she gives responses that are just not very thoughtful and a bit silly - sorry Janniepeg, I do appreciate your time taken to care for people on this site - we're all just human, me too, I don't always know how best to advise someone - but I wish some of you would just lay off because you're not getting the gratification of someone being grateful to you...I know this feels nice when it happens, but it can' happen every time and I feel like some of you are just picking on a man when he is well and truly down.I do think the option of volunteering, including abroad, may be worth a try - I can see how any suggestions might drive someone nuts after all this time. I have a similar problem trying to get a job in the field that I absolutely love but which is now incredibly hard to get into - people far less qualified than me were able to get in years ago because they didn't have the responsibility of kids like I did back then - and I've spent recent years doing absolutely everything possible to improve my resume to the point where it's gotten beyond a joke and I want to give up, even though colleagues where I temp tell me I am amazing at what I do...so I can really relate to the frustration that this guy feels about having to even consider doing another damned thing just to get what everyone else has.OP, I hope you read this and please do give the volunteering a go...I can relate to how fed up you must feel...but, seriously, it may just be worth at least associating with kind people who are far more interested in your personality and in giving and receiving care than they will be re. things like looks, status or wealth - I don't think there's much to lose in that kind of situation, just things to gain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just read through this entire thread again and I can't see one instance of me "shooting down" a response, I am answering every response honestly and openly and if the suggestion is something that I have already tried, I merely point it out. Women won't even speak to me unless it's someone I already know, I have approached people and said hello and it gets no further than that. There is no chance for me to give off a cynical vibe as there is never time to do that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): My good fellow, nothing seems useful at the moment. We all took our time to offer you suggestions. To let you know, this isn't unique to your situation.
I think you've given-up in frustration, and naturally you may feel resentful. You've shot down all the advice offered to you, but human chemistry is spontaneous. You can't force people to care for you. You can successfully force people to avoid you. You sense of hopelessness and cynicism is more than evident.
Human beings are social animals. We have a need to pair-off,and we all search for a single mate; as well as wanting to be a part of a group. We keep searching. It's all we can do. Or, we can just be happy complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves.
Enjoy the friendships you do have. You're surrendering to defeat, and I don't really care how much you want to shoot holes in my advice. I'm not a fool, and I've been on this earth long enough to know that people find each other. When they can't make romantic connections; it's because they're looking in the wrong places, choose incompatible types, or need to work on their personality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried this to see if anyone had helpful advice is all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2014): Then you won't find a magic pill, or your answers here. Only time will tell. You've told us nothing you've tried works.
Then like the rest of humanity, you learn to live with the cards you're dealt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think anonymous female was being patronising. I have ventured further afield, a lot. I think it's more patronising to hear "keep trying, you just havnt found anyone yet." And I'm really not bothered about whether it's a long term thing or a short term things just something in TWENTY years would do right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Perhaps a better word is "dismissive." Unattractive people may have to work a little harder; but they also have to face reality. Even so-called beautiful people learn that they can easily attract people; but not necessarily someone who cares for them for who they are.
Perhaps you may need to leave your present environment and venture out and see other places. The anonymous female reader hasn't offered you much to your satisfaction, although she has tried the softer approach. Bordering on patronizing.
Never give up. Keep trying. You just haven't found the person intended for you, and someone who sees something beneath the surface. Looks may hinder you to some degree, but people grow attached by knowing who you are; and finding the good in you.
You're only thirty eight; many people much older haven't found love, and are still searching.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt just gets more and more difficult with so many different ways not to act or dress or say or do something. I don't think I've been giving off the desperate for sex vibe for the past twenty years. To be honest I think my friends have been correct all along.
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reader, jls022 +, writes (25 November 2014):
"I worry that prolonged abstinence from sex is not healthy for the mental state of a man with a healthy sex drive."
Hmm, perhaps you're giving off a 'desperate for sex' vibe? Nothing kills a woman's attraction for a man quite like the idea that he thinks anyone will do.
I'll be honest OP, it doesn't sound like this is the case from that you've said so far, but it's worth thinking about just in case. Sometimes these internal feelings can be very obvious to other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): I think if you live in a small village this will make an enormous difference to how people perceive you - there will be something of a reputation there, regardless of whether you've also travelled abroad or not. I don't mean to imply that the reputation is necessarily unkind, just that you will probably be lodged in people's minds as 'the single guy' and somehow these things tend to stick and people can't see beyond it.
If you're otherwise happy where you live then obviously you won't want to move home to a bigger city - and this won't necessarily guarantee that you'll meet anyone anyway - big cities can be lonely places.
Nevertheless, I really think that getting into a context where no-one knows you, but which is still a 'safe' context, would be a good idea. Have you ever done volunteering holidays? You sound like a kind person and I'm just wondering if volunteering abroad - say, somewhere in Asia where there is a need for all kinds of help ranging from educational to building work to general mucking in - I say this because, in a context like this, your kindness will go before anything else about you and you will probably at least have a good and interesting time learning about other cultures, so if you meet someone either who is part of that culture or volunteering then that will be a bonus..? It's just a thought...definitely I think volunteering could be a way forward and definitely get out of the village context.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI live in a small village anonymous female but I have travelled further afield in order to meet others. Thanks for recognising that my responses weren't sarcastic, im just frustrated. I worry that prolonged abstinence from sex is not healthy for the mental state of
a man with a healthy sex drive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): WiseOwlE what's up with you today? He's not being sarcastic, just looking for an answer!
It does seem like height and looks might be factors - but it could also be context working against you.
I don't know where you live? Is it a small town or a big city? I just ask because if you have really tried everything you may have somehow gained a reputation - or women just know - that you're the guy who tries so hard but never has a girlfriend - meaning that, whatever approach you take, you may come across as a little desperate? It would help to know what kind of area you live in...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see any sarcasm in my responses, but after 38 years of failure I am a little cynical perhaps. But I guess you're right wise_owlE, the fact that I'm ugly and women are superficial means I'll be alone forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): It appears you've made-up your mind. No one has an answer to your problem. Two of your uncles died alone? That may have been because they were affirmed bachelors and didn't wish to marry. If they had caustic personalities, that may have also attributed to their problem.
"Also, I have asked men for an honest opinion about why I don't attract women and the usual response is because I'm short and ugly."
I'm sorry to say, but this may be one actual reason you have been unsuccessful in attracting women. It is likely you approach women who are more superficial and put a lot of stock in looks and height. I've watched men approach women they new they didn't have a snowball's chance in attracting. They persisted because they believe if they keep trying, they will hit the lottery. If you've been one of those men, keep trying. You just might.
You've bitterly shot-down every suggestion made. Your responses show a lot of cynicism and sarcasm. If this is how you usually interact with people. BINGO! That's your problem! You rub women the wrong way!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have also tried all of those routes but thanks anyway anonymous female.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): OP, I'm all out of ideas except suggesting that you let people see your personality and your looks at the same time.
What I mean is for example, if you fancy someone, don't approach her as soon as you lay eyes on her. Let her hear you speak to someone else so that she sees your confident self before you approach her. Then when you do approach her, she'll think aww, he's funny or he's kind or he's smart. She won't judge you on what she thinks you're like but she'll judge you based on how she's seen you interacting with others.
If all else fails babysit your nieces and nephews or look after your friends' pets when their out of town and take them to the park. These are easy conversation starters and women fawn over a man who's sweet and nurturing.
Another route you might want to consider is international dating. Believe it or not in some parts of the world, women mostly care more about the content of your heart than what Vogue says you should look like.
I have an acquaintance who married a bride from a different culture and she was his first everything. 2 years later he's just turned 40 and they have their first baby and they're absolutely in love. It goes without saying that if you go down this route you want to be careful of scammers or people who only want visas and your money.
Good luck OP
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Celtic_Tiger, I don't have a type that I go for, there is no ideal height, weight, hair or eye colour, I suppose I am slightly put off by badly kept teeth, hairstyles, tattoos, piercings or not doesn't worry me, I have attempted to talk to a wide array of women.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (24 November 2014):
 Hi OP. What kind of woman do you traditionally pursue?
I only ask this, because as a woman who doesn't look like a model I have often been totally ignored by men who only want to date "pretty" "sexy" or "very attractive" girls.
Our current culture puts women who are sexy, skinny and beautiful far above average or unattractive women in the dating league. There are many women who are in a similar position to you, because men wont give them a second glance, because they have small boobs, are too fat, or do not look like a Hollywood actress.
Attractive men generally only want attractive women. All the other men generally only want attractive women. Do you see what I am getting at? There are thousands of normal, fun women out there, with great personalities who are also single, just because they do not fit in with the current social trends of attractiveness.
So, I ask again. What type of woman are you going for? Perhaps if you tried to think outside of your normal "type" you might have a bit more luck.
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reader, deirdre  +, writes (24 November 2014):
Relationships are for everyone regardless of height and looks/perceived looks. Would improving your confidence help? There is someone out there for everyone. Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again anonymous female, thanks for trying to help. When I look in the mirror I see someone a little over 5ft, bulging eyes, bulbous nose and fat lips, I have no problem with confidence and have lots of friends whom I can talk to and who have tried to help me with my problem to no avail. The point I feel all women lose interest is when they turn to look at me. And I don't really have an opening line, I usually talk about something relevant to the situation we are in. Hope this helps.
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reader, deirdre +, writes (24 November 2014):
I am sorry that you are in this predicament. I am 25 and have similar difficulties and despite reading relationship advice often, my situation doesnt change. I seem to meet the wrong people and I have done various self inprovement techniques in an effort to stop repeating the pattern. I wonder would it be any help to invest in some type of relationship coaching (not sure thats the proper name for it). Something a bit like interview techniques but obviously dating and relationship orientated. Im not going to bullshit you by telling you to stop focus on meeting someone because that is much easier said than done and not helpful right now. But maybe some unbiased real life advice from someone who is trained to help in this area would be useful. I apologise in advance if this advice is not very helpful. Best of luck and dont forget that you do deserve to meet someone nice
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): Thanks for the response OP. From what you've said it sounds like things never really take off so it must be the first impression you make. That could be in terms of your looks, your style, your smell or your confidence. You mentioned that your male friends say you are short and ugly. What do you think of yourself? What do you see when you look in the mirror? You also mentioned how your female friends describe your personality. How would you describe your own personality? I ask themes questions because it might help to identify the first impression you make on women. In what scenario are you most relaxed, open and talkative? Again, this will help you understand if you are more confident in certain situations more than others. I'm inclined to dismiss looks as the problem because a lot of women tend to care more about the personality of a man than his looks. I asked what emotions drive you because how you approach a woman depends largely on this. If you approach her for the thrill you're less likely to be stressed so you can easily be a cheeky chappy. Whereas if you are sexually attracted or attracted to her personality you'll feel more pressure since you care about her response. If you are doing it because you are lonely you might unwittingly start talking about how you want someone to share your life with in the first 5 minutes which is a bit intense. If you are doing it because society says you need a woman then you'll come across as rather flat. These are generalisations ofcourse but you get the gist of it.My first piece of advice is make the most of your looks. I LOVE a man in a suit and I could find someone incredibly dashing in a suit but walk past them if they're wearing track bottoms. Ofcourse it doesn't matter as much once I get to know them but that first impression does make all the difference. Be smart and comfortable in your attire. I knew a really lovely guy once who had a bushy beard, unkempt hair and he loved wearing shorts, a t shirt and some flip flops. Looking at him exasperated me no end even though he had every right to dress as he wished. I'm not saying always wear a tux but it does help to stick to smart casual. Other than your looks, it could either be your confidence or your conversation skills. Both of these can be boosted by going to events that you are genuinely interested in. You'll be more forthcoming about discussing the event and you will relax enough to let your personality shine through if you already have common ground. I suppose we could try to break down further the first encounter. Do women say no thank you at hello or do they make excuses to leave after a few minutes chat or do they not realise until the end that you were flirting? Is there a specific point where you feel like most of them lose interest? How do you approach the women / kick of conversation? What do you generally talk about to begin with. Sorry about all the questions but I'm trying to put myself in your date's shoes to give you feedback.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay anonymous female I'll try to explain a little bit further, I often see women flirting with other men and am able to pick up on it without problems, it's just never happened to me! Things have never gotten to the first date stage, they've gotten to the painfully smile and nod if I pass you in the street at any point stage.i didn't even realise I was tapping into emotions in order to pursue females. Some I have tried talking to because I find them sexually attractive and others I have tried talking to as they seem like fun friendly women. There have been lots of old crushes but I wouldn't say they slipped through my fingers, they avoided me as much as every other woman! I don't know if this helps to make things clearer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): I'll give my advice on the assumption that your female friends were completely honest about how they percieve you.From what you've written, it doesn't look like there's anything glaringly off-putting about you.So maybe the problem is that you are attracting women but you just don't realise when they are flirting with you. Without sounding patronising, would you say you are good at picking up on flirtatious behaviour? I'd recommend looking into that to see if that helps.Another thing you mentioned that stood out from what you said is how you even attend social gatherings that hold no interest for you just to meet people. Why not have a go at it in a different way. Identify the things that really interest you and attend events around that so that you meet people in the course of pursuing a mutual interest. This might be something you are already doing but simply ommitted to mention because it's obvious but I thought I'd throw that out there just in case. I do wonder at what stage the connection goes awry. When you approach women in person do they reject you right off the bat? Or is it at the first date / second date stage that they back off? If you could elaborate on this a bit further then we could perhaps help you identify the issue.It is also curious that you haven't mentioned old crushes that slipped through your fingers or the one that got away. What type of emotions have pushed you to pursue women? Some do it for the thrill of the chase, others to find a companion, others out of sexual attraction, others out of loneliness, others out of interest in the woman's personality etc. What's driving you in your quest? Different motives lead to different approaches. Could give a bit of detail there as well? Also, you mention how these women elected not to marry you and chose other people. That is what everyone goes through. Literally everyone. There's not one person who is everyone's cup of tea so don't let this demoralise you. You just need the one who is most compatible with you.I have my own personal issues and I found someone who loves me completely so I'm not feeding you a load of bollocks when I say your situation is not dire.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry wiseowlE you have got me all wrong, I don't have any problems with people wanting to be my friend and hang out with me, men and women. And there isn't someone for everyone out there 2 of my uncles died in their 80s without ever meeting anyone. Also, I have asked men for an honest opinion about why I don't attract women and the usual response is because I'm short and ugly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): If you're as great of a guy as you've described yourself to be; there is no reason you wouldn't have had a relationship by now.
Most people who go years upon years without making romantic connections are usually "visibly" insecure, socially awkward, or come across too bold. I didn't include rude; because women just love the bad-boys. Go figure?!
Women have an aversion to men who are butt-ugly, peculiar, or weird. It makes them feel unsafe. They naturally/instinctively seek mates who will supply good genes to bear healthy, intelligent, attractive offspring. Nature programmed us all that way. To seek a healthy mate for healthy, strong, attractive offspring. We avoid or reject people who don't have mental and physical attributes that will contribute positively to the procreation of lovely children.
You can't expect your lady friends to be honest with you, if you put them on the spot by asking them why you don't attract women. They'll tell you what you want to hear; or they don't want to hurt your feelings. Piss one off, and she'll lay it out for you.
Being brutally honest, most men who don't groom themselves well, can't carry on a free-flowing conversation, and reek with desperation; will have a hard-time finding a mate. Men who are very unattractive in appearance at a glance may be off-putting; but their personalities make up for it.
Personality is what brings down the barriers that isolate us as individuals. Personality has magnetic properties that make people want to be close to us. So you have to develop your personality in ways that even you will like yourself.
That is a lifelong commitment. You'll have to work at it for the rest of your life.
What too many of us fail to realize, is that nature is kind; and she has designed a perfect mate for each and everyone of us. Chronic cynicism and desperation shortens our patience, and fills us with doom and gloom. If we don't have it now, we convince ourselves it will never happen. "Oh Ye of little faith!"
It just takes some of us longer to find each other. In the meantime; do good things to deserve it when it happens.
You have to ask other gents you know what they think may be your problem. Guys will not sugarcoat their answers. Some women like "quirkiness;" or oddballs; as you may. The unfortunate thing about that is, the oddballs and quirky-types don't pay those women any attention. They're too busy searching far outside of their own league. Looking for lady-types who can't deal with them as they are naturally. Meaning, as genetics and life-experience has shaped and created them. They want people totally opposite of who they are. Once you figure-out the kind of woman you really want, who understands you, and whom you deserve. You'll find her.
If you have no friends to turn to for confusing and frustrating times like these; or haven't developed close companions of any sort? There is a huge flaw in your personality.
That is where your lack of success with women lies. The inability to connect with people, and draw their attention/attraction to you. Something about you that makes people want to be your friend.
Sometimes it is necessary to be kind to your feelings. So the lady-friends you mentioned may fail to offer you the reality behind your lack of success. They mother you, and avoid discouraging you. Yet they didn't pick you as a romantic-interest! Instead, they relegated you to the friend-zone. For their own convenience. You'll do in a pinch!
You have to turn to other men you know, related or unrelated, who have success with females. Note what stands out about them. "Good-looks" is not always their secret. It's something about their personality that draws male-friends, as well as females to them.
There are grossly disfigured men, men who are physically challenged, even mentally-challenged; yet they still find loving females who care for them, and become their girlfriend, spouse, or best of friends. You need to introspect and figure what you do that turns people off. Not just women. Relationships happen easily for people who make friends easily. They usually have a healthy self-image and like themselves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason there is so many *I* in my post is because I am explains the different things I have tried, I wasn't saying it's all about me or how I think women should see me, I was merely
Pointing out that women friends of mine have pointed out these qualities as being good and generally the sorts of traits that would bring about happiness in others. I know women don't owe me anything but they don't owe anybody else anything either and lots of people are in relationships, not because they owe it to the other person. Again, I don't understand your response, sorty
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): I have a girfriend who is in her early 40s. Not like you she was married at 24 for 7 months, and then was in 7 year relationship. For the past 7 years she didnt have a boyfriend. She has sex from now and then, but no relationship. She is not just beatifull, she is Sofia Vergara beatifull. Slender, nice, sweet, good manners. My question is why can't a woman like this be in a relationship? One after another men come into her life and leave. Some she doesn't want , some don't want her. We talked and she said she can't put up with BS anymore and know exactly what she wants. Any little thing she doesn't like in a guy, and that's it she is done. Well, if you want to be in a relationship it doesn't work this way. Relationships are work. In my experience all the single men I ever knew had 4 things in common: very high physical standards and considering this first over personality; bad, impatient temper with angry outburst; shyness: women dont like shy guys, if you want to date you need to approach and chat a woman up. though nowadays women do it too, but still this role mostly belongs to men. ....and then finally very trivial: they didnt want to invest anything in a woman, not financially, not emotionally. The last kind always talked how women want their money, how all women only looking for men's money, but the result was they spent their whole life alone. It was never an appearance. I knew ugliest men who attracted women left and right, and handsome men who couldn't keep any relationship working .
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis may be why I've never had a relationship with a woman,janniepeg, your response makes no sense to me whatsoever I'm afraid, I have taken expert advice on my website profiles in the past but I have given up on all 12 of them after 5 years of nothing.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 I would give it a shot and say improve your dating profile such as smiling pictures, having a good breaking the ice lines that guarantee a response. Or even trying international brides. You have to know what kinds of trait drive a woman crazy. Something that's exciting could be, you think outside the box, you know the best way of doing everything. Nowadays, just simply being nice doesn't cut it. You may find out that in foreign countries women can afford to be picky too. Women know that nice is a requirement but what else do they need? They are drawn to a mysterious quality. A brooding, emotional, artistic type. Or maybe a muscular, assertive, silent type. Of course you can't be every man to every woman.
What happens when a woman clicks through a profile and you are not exactly stunning looking. And she sees something average like family oriented, nice, sense of humour, a few interests here and there, in her mind she fast forwards 40 more years with this guy and she thinks, blah so what. You don't want to be the kind of husband your wife falls out of love with after certain amount of years. I do sympathize the fact that women seem to have more choices. But first you have to find out what kind of quality you have that keeps the passion alive and then market that.
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reader, hussy7 +, writes (23 November 2014):
 I share your pain, I'm 30 and in the same situation. I've virtually given up now
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