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Step daughter doesn't want the step family moving into Dad's house!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend has a 10 year old daughter with his ex, I have a 8 year old from a previous relationship, and when we first got together our girls got on well. We have been together for 2 years, and recently we started thinking about moving in together. My daughter was happy at this idea, but my stepdaughter hated the idea and refused to leave her bedroom when we spoke to her about it. She said she didn't want to share her room, or her things. We thought it would pass and approached the subject again this weekend just gone. She again threw a fit, and told her dad that she wasn't going to share a room with a baby like my daughter. There is a 2 year difference between them and until recently, when we spoke to them about moving in together, they got on really well and when we were all together they would share a room and share their things. We went on holiday together last year and the girls were inseparable. My boyfriend thinks we should just move in, (I'd be moving into his home as he owns and I rent), and his daughter would 'get over it' but it feels wrong if she is so unhappy at the idea of us moving in. He has said we could use his spare room which he has his gym things in as a room for my daughter so they didn't have to share but even then my stepdaughter still was unhappy at this. She is fine when we are out together, like Sunday when we went out for lunch all together, but she has made it clear she doesn't want us moving in to her dad's house. Should we just let her get her way for now?

View related questions: his ex, on holiday

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017):

I feel very much like my step sister replaced me - I think you have to have some compassion for the daughter but at the same time you have to live your life. Maybe start staying over 3 nights a week, then 4, then 5 etc etc etc. Slowly move your stuff in. Maybe over 2/3 months. Make it gradual

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (9 July 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony aunt"Should we just let her get her way for now?" Who's running this show; the grownups or the 10yo (step) daughter? I think you’ve been doing real well, blending, and sharing family time together to bow down to her fit sessions.

I say you'll need to get to the CORE of her fear and or resentment. To me it's not all about not wanting to share her room and things. It's more about having to share her DAD. Her Princess status is going to be threatened, whether she lives with Dad or not! Their Father Daughter time will be affected and she’ll certainly be throwing more tantrums to test and break you both up.

If she does not live with Dad, she will have other sets of emotion when she visits and sees the 3 of you playing happy family... resentment, jealousy?

Certainly kids do worry, yet these fits are also due to your BF not preparing his daughter for the day love finds a way back into his heart? Enjoying outings it not enough it seems. Now you’re/HIS work to soothe his daughter’s fears has trebled.

Best to be patient a little longer and not “just move in” lest you become blamed/stamped as the wicked Step-Mom from a 10year olds perspective! Clearing out the gym is excellent, although it seems her fears are heavier weighs to lift.

I hope you and your BF are so rock solid as another breakup for these children to witness would be devastating.

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2017):

Does your step daughter live with your partner full time? Issues could be arising due to perhaps missing her mum, if her mum is not around anymore or something... We don't know the circumstances of your partner and her mum not being together, for instance if her mum passed away then she will really be finding a new woman and step sibling coming to the house very difficult.

If she just spends weekends with your partner and her main home is with her mum for most of the time then your partner should take the time to speak to his daughter 1:1 and reassure her that he will still make time to do things with her, just the two of them. It may help to have some family counselling.

I would say the best option would be to find a new home for the family to move to. The girls are giving their own rooms (and you and your partner tell them which room is theirs, so there is no arguing over who gets what in a new house). This way, it is a fresh start as a family. If this isn't possible, then your partner needs to take the time to be patient and speak with his daughter to reassure her and find out what is worrying her. While a child cannot make the rules, it is not fair for him to not deal with her concerns and he has to help her understand and come to terms that he is inviting you and your daughter to live there.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (8 July 2017):

I don't know if the bf's ex is still around, if she is the girl is obviously holding out hope for a reconciliation. Your moving in will crush that. There is also the jealously factor. She has had daddy to herself and now you are moving in on her territory.

I think the two of you should sell or rent out his place and find a house that is yours together if possible. Blending families is difficult you want to make the transition as smooth as possible. Either way family counseling may help. Your bf says she'll get over it but what if she doesn't. Forcing the issue could make things harder than they have to be.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (8 July 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntJust another thought - you don't say if her mother is still in the picture, or if the breakup was a traumatic process.

Could it be that she is frightened or scared about another woman moving into her safe place, perhaps worrying that whatever happened before could happen again?

Kids worry a lot, and do keep things bottled up under the surface.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (8 July 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntI think you are forgetting that it is HER HOME as much as it is your boyfriends home.

Her room is HER private space. Her things, her special world. Her room and her home are her safe place.

What you seem to be essentially saying is that her feelings don't count. Imagine back to when you were a child, did you have your own room? How would you have felt if suddenly your parents had made you share with someone else? After you had made your room your own, with all its personal touches? Suddenly having no privacy etc?

This applies to both girls - they deserve their own space.

I agree with Honeypie 100%, if you are so sure about moving in with the boyfriend, why not buy a new home together? A fresh start for everyone (just be sure not to favour one child with a bigger room than the other, that immediately will cause trouble)

Creating a new family can be very traumatic for kids and very often the parents selfishly only thnk about themselves, as the anon poster at the bottom seems to want you to do - stuff the kids they will adapt. As an adult, would you accept that? So why expect a child to?

I have known many children who have been deeply affected by being forced into blended families. Parents who only see their own wants and needs, and everyone else has to fall in line - they forget that the child never asked to be put in that situation. The grown up choose to end the relationship, divorce or break up. The child is just collatoral damage, doesn't really understand what is happening and is suddenly pulled between two parents, and then two potentially new families.

Whilst I agree you are the adults and she is the child, don't forget that the world looks like a very different place through the eyes of a child. Take a step back and try and imagine how she sees the situation, it might just give you some perspective on why she is acting like she is.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds to me like even though she gets on with you and your daughter she still likes her own house which just belongs to her and her daddy. Yes it is a very touchy subject as she is so young, but I do have to side with your boyfriend, she is the child and you both are the adults and you make the decisions. Off course yes it is hard to see her unhappy but if he makes the spare room up for your daughter at least she still has her own room and her own space and after a while off sulking am sure she will come around to the idea.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe it's time to find a NEW house? One with 3 bedrooms so NEITHER girl HAVE to share space and their things. If selling HIS house and buying a new one, isn't an option CLEAR out that spare room for YOUR daughter. For BOTH girl's sake. Your daughter should have a space of her own, same as the older girl.

I have 3 daughters and I can tell you this, no girl in her "right mind" WANTS to share all her stuff. One thing is with friends at a slumber party but with someone you have to LIVE with? No. I think it's UNREALISTIC to expect the 10-year-old to just roll over. My 2 youngest have had to share a room when we first moved up here (3 bedroom house) and while they are now older (they were 9-11 then)it wasn't working well. We actually build a bedroom for us (husband and me) in the basement so the girls could get their own room.

Of course, she is fine with doing activities with you and your daughter being included. After all, SHE goes home with HER dad and you to go to your home. Living together IS a whole other kettle of fish. It takes a lot of adaptation and time to make it a smooth ride.

Maybe her dad could get her involved in helping decorate the room for your daughter. EVENTUALLY, she will probably adapt, but I would NOT push her having to share her room and stuff if it's NOT necessary. It's ALREADY a big big thing for her to have 2 people move in on "her" territory. I would NOT, however, let her DICTATE if you and your daughter can move in or not. She is a child NOT an adult.

Here are some tips for working on blending families - I'd see if there is something there that can help ease the transitioning.

https://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/step-parenting-blended-families/

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017):

Oh boy what a dilemma.I agree with your boyfriend.You should not let a 10 year old call the shots.You are really overthinking this.Move in and do not let this child be the boss of your house or the boss of things you decide to do with your life.She is a child.You are the adult.Until people stop coddling children and treat them as children the entitlement generation will keep on being strong.She will get over it.If you are having problems with a 10 year old just wait until she's a teen.They don't usually get it until they are at least 25.Be a step parent do not be her friend.

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