A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son has recently started bringing girlfriends home: they're leggy, pretty, polite, pleasant girls. Then I think of my wife - I've got a lumpy, angry, middle-aged wife whose libido went AWOL 15 years ago, who gets out of bed at noon, spends 12 hours shouting at me and the kids or crying, takes some mood stabilisers and anti-depressants and then goes back to bed again. And it's not like I can leave her or anything, because she needs someone to look after her or she would end up either in hospital or like an old crazy woman eating cold baked beans out of a can and living in a filthy flat. It's just kind of depressing that I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this, and there's no way out. As I'm resigned to staying with her, have you got any advice on how to stay sane in this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Sounds like her meds aren't working and it might be time for a re-evaluation to see if there is something that might work better.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2010):
 "Oh of course, now I remember! This is what most women are like!"
Yes!!! That's why you and the kids have to get away, to spend some normal time together.
My mental health nurse reminded me that I used to go out everyday... "when, that never happened" said I...
"Miamine" said my nurse, you used to work remember... hahahah... I totally forgot.. Fight to make things normal, it's easy to forget what normal looks like.
Ask her to talk to her doctors about her shouting and bad moods. Then they will work on that, and try to remind her that mothers are supposed to be the nice ones.
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A
female
reader, sick and tired  +, writes (5 April 2010):
You say your sons female friends are balanced! They are showing their best side. You do not know what is going on in their minds! What are you doing to help the problem! You should not even be looking at these young girls ewwwww!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2010):
PS: Went out for dinner for easter... my family dragged me out. With lots of hugs, kisses and a firm demand, they dragged me out to share some very nice social time.
Now I got a bloody headache of course.. lol
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2010):
The anti-depressants make her sleepy... the shouting is part of her illness, so is the rejection of sex.
My doctor advised me to take the tablets at night, so I can stay awake in the day. They then work while she is sleeping and may help her moods to be a little better when she wakes up.
If she is shouting, please pull away, don't get into a fight or argument with her. She is irrational, no matter what you say she is not listening. You can't argue with a crazy lady, it just makes you crazy too. Pull away, leave the room, ignore her. There is no reason why you and the kids should be forced into her crazy world too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually I don't mind the way she looks, it's just all the shouting that gets me down.
I suppose I just started to notice it because the girls my son brings home are all so nice, so balanced and, well, just pleasant to talk to. It was kind of like "Oh of course, now I remember! This is what most women are like!"
And she's been going to psychiatrists and therapists for years. She's says it helps, but I can't say I've noticed a difference. My son is really looking forward to leaving home to get away from her, and even our ten-year-old daughter says she's looking forward to leaving as well, which is a bit sad in such a young child.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 April 2010):
"like an old crazy woman eating cold baked beans out of a can and living in a filthy flat."
Hahahah.. nope we don't live like that nowadays, we get credits cards and call for a pizza take away. :)
Take care of you, and keep your house a bright and cheerful one, this depressive thing acts like a wet blanket and it can drag down everyone. Try to get you and the kids out of the house more, doing family things without her. She will feel grateful to have some time alone without feeling guilty.
Also, ask for help from the friends, family and professionals around you, if people understand they will try to help take up some of the burdens. Don't be proud, pride has no place when there is illness around.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 April 2010):
I know exactly what your wife is going through, and 15years of this makes you a bloody saint. Few men stay to see the horrors of living with a person some one so severly depressed, my guy didn't and I don't blame him for one second.
I swear by massage, get some almond oil from the chemist, warm it up just a little and rub it over her back, neck and shoulders. If she won't allow this, then her feet and hands will do.
People don't understand, your not being rude, your just telling the truth. I am lumpy too now, there was a time when I had a very sexy body, but so long in bed not moving around, not being able to do anything, well it makes you lumpy and fat.. (sigh)
Worse joke is... (sigh) bloody sex is the best thing to get her moods up and help her loose that lumpy look. It gets your heart beating, keeps you exercising, and helps you get more streamline, pumps out happy chemicals and makes you feel loved and adored.. (sigh)
Since she isn't ready for that, I suggest you also try to find some yoga stuff for couples. Gentle exercise that you might be able to do together, might bring you closer and help her see that together you can solve your problems, or at least make them better.
PS: How dose she seem on the mood stabilizers, my doctor has promised me that I can have them, as long as I can stay awake and make any improvement towards become more normal.
Guess I failed today, it's easter, and I'm supposed to be at dinner, but I prefer to sit here instead.
The suggestion to cheat was not made because JuiceMario is stupid or immoral.. I would have loved if my partner had taken that route, than walking out the door and leaving me because he couldn't cope. You need to stay happy and motivated if your going to stay healthy is such a sad relationship. Your wife knows your unhappy, but because of her illness there is nothing she can do.
Mental illness hits one in four people, she was once young and beautiful, and maybe some of these beautiful young women will find themselves having difficulties as time passes by. Illness respects neither money, goodness, or morality, it just hits and drags us down.
Good luck...to you and your wife.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (4 April 2010):
 You said you take care of your wife, so I'm going to assume that she is sick in some way. Maybe this is the reason she is angry. As far as calling your wife "lumpy", I think that's totally rude, You must have thought she was beautiful when you married her! Women age just as men do, and not every woman is going to look like they're 20 when they're in their 40's. and your sex life is in your hands, if you think your sex life is lacking, then try and do something to spice it up. Try setting a time when you'll both be home, and surprise her with flowers, or have candles lit and give her a massage. I'm willing to bet she will be impressed that you put so much thought into making this work, that she'll want to have sex.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (4 April 2010):
 I disagree with the first poster...don't cheat, even if no-one else knows, your conscience will and if your wife finds out then it will add to her sense of worthlessness (which is no doubt how she feels). It sounds as if your wife has some fairly severe mental health issues and it is ok to feel resentful as her carer - you probably feel like you lost the woman you married years ago. I honestly think it is time to get professional help and support - your life shouldn't be awful. Your doctor should be putting together a package of care for your wife like a mental health nurse who visits and social services may also help. If she still feels bad, the medication isn't working and cognitive behavioural therapy maybe the way forward. It may take a professional to tell her that she is ill and requires more treatment as she is not listening to you. There are also lots of carer support networks out there for people such as yourself stuck in relationships with dependents, rather than partners. I am not saying this is a magic wand but it maybe helpful to have some people to talk to about how you feel. It wouldn't hurt to see your GP and tell them how you feel and ask for help.
As for your son and his lady-friends...feel proud of him, he attracts gorgeous women and that means he is a self-confident, happy lad...and that is probably down to good parenting!!!
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A
female
reader, sick and tired +, writes (4 April 2010):
First of all how do you look? do you have a beer belly? Are you letting yourself go? I would suggest treating yopur wife the way you did when you were first trying to win her over. Bring her flowers for no reason. Take her away for a romantic getaway. Go for walks together. Getting in shape helps both mentally and physically. She is clearly in a depression which all of us have been though as some point in our lives. If you can get through this bump in the road things can be great on the other side.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (4 April 2010):
 dont cheat! thats ridiculous advice. when you marry you marry for life, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. your wife is clearly sick and in need of help so rather than being so resentful and critical why dont you try helping her. talk to her, see if you can get her counselling, bring home a bunch of flowers, anything. if you cant be bothered to try then you should leave her, people are often stronger than you think, and she would find a way of coping. have you ever stopped to think that you might not look like a pin up yourself anymore??
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 April 2010):
Yes, please don't cheat. That will make things worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionInteresting advice, JuiceMario, but I'm not overly keen on the idea of prostitutes. Call me old fashioned, call me misguided, but I fear that the essential element of "niceness" might be missing in a tart.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 April 2010):
I think you need to try and understand more why your wife is like she is. A lot of people go through all this depression and such,, and it could be that it can be changed with a lot of effort.
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A
female
reader, JuiceMario +, writes (4 April 2010):
 It's simple! Just cheat!
Some people have affairs for the sake of it when they've got a happy and stable home and everything to lose. Those people are idiots. A man in your situation hasn't got a happy and stable home, hasn't got a sex life and hasn't got any fun or anything to look forward to. You can't leave your wife because you care for her, which means you're not the kind of guy to run away from his responsibilities, so you deserve your fun.
Visit bars, book hotel rooms, hire prostitutes. As long as no one knows then no one will her hurt!
Good Luck ;)
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