A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,Might sound like a silly issue raised, but I have a problem trying to have self belief sometimes. I feel I have come from a relatively tough background (in comparison to most people around me) divorced immature parents, a mother with a personality disorder that has caused us to become estranged (in a painful long drawn out process over years). A dad who is just unreliable but is present. I'm an only child. The wider family seemed to have disowned me (mums family). I have no one to install confidence in me, and in my parents eyes I've always been a let down or disappointment. Neither of them can find it in them, ever to tell me how proud they are of me. My dad only says it on rare occasions when he is intoxicated ( twice from memory in 33 years). I've overheard him telling people the negative things he thinks of me.I've married a man whose family thinks he can walk on water! they barely even notice me as a wife sometimes! haha. Its very sweet, I'm so happy for him for having such a supportive family! I have achieved a good amount in my career so far, and have the most supportive managers around me. I earn a salary now which puts me in UK's top 4% earnings (this is important to me from an independence perspective, I came from a working class background with family who told me I'd amount to nothing). I have an amazing river facing home in London, beautiful caring friends. (Although have lost a few friendships too - which hurt) I'm Starting an MBA course in Jan with a great uni to improve career prospects. I volunteer, and have hobbies I passionately love doing. I could not ask for more from life in the grand scheme of things.But I can't help thinking sometimes, I'm not worthy of my job, or to be happy when my family aren't happy. Sometimes I just feel lost about who I am.90% of the time I am deliriously happy and grateful for everything. then 10% of the time, I feel so down, emotional, and every once in a while I envisage a car just running me over and ending it all.I tend to always bounce back from this low feeling I guess, I'm still here! but when it comes, it crushes me, and I imagine everyone else's life around me being so much better off. I can't really ever tell anyone this is how I feel. I tired to tell me husband once that I used to feel suicidal in the past, but he brushes it off, and almost comes across to me as though he thinks I'm 'attention seeking'When in the low moment, I just can't see the bright side. usually its when I get a night to myself, and have a glass of wine or two.Anyone ever feel like this? is it just life and normal, but no one talks about it?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 November 2018):
 I think the true reflection of how you feel is when you get to be alone. All other things, entertainment and hobbies can be a distraction when you have an identity crisis. Outside measures of success such as career and a beautiful house do not always represent happiness. A lot of people shrug off suicidal thoughts, but for those who regret too late, they might have missed a few signs. They all have families saying they looked fine, and didn't understand why they killed themselves. You could try to talk to your friends about it. You may find that you have some common, deeper things to talk about, or you may find that they don't understand you, and that your case is isolated.
I won't be too quick to conclude that the result of your unhappiness is from your childhood. When we are in a bad mood we tend to find reasons, and the closest you can find are your parents and your childhood. I believe that the gut is the most undermined body organ. When you have a good balance in your digestive system, your body is rewarded with happiness. Is there a need to change your diet and to get rid of the kind of food that doesn't agree with you? Of course, stress and hormones also affect your level of happiness. On the surface you seem to be fine but something else has prompted you to write this to strangers. You said you have a good career, a beautiful home, good friends but not once did you mention a wonderful husband. He's just someone to share luxuries with, but could not listen deeply to what you say. Do you feel something is missing from the marriage? Did you feel all of what you've achieved, who you married were just to see if that could impress your parents?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2018): Thanks for your responses. It really helps to understand from different perspectives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2018): Girlfriend, can we talk?
We can run to a therapist about everything, but sometimes...well, sometimes we have to just stop and think. Isn't this life? Who in the world is happy 24/7, and who on earth is perfect? Yes, my dear, it is quite normal and human to feel lost on this gigantic planet. It seems small if you look at it from a technological perspective; but we're still just a microscopic speck on it.
How old do you have to be to outgrow your childhood, and forget what happened in the past, that isn't happening to you now?
Why do we have to pay people ungodly amounts of money to sit and listen to us whine about life? Unless we were born with mental-illness, or a chemical-imbalance in the brain.
Most of the anxiety and fear we have is self-induced! It's all in our heads! We worry more about what "might" happen, than IS happening!!! Flip-out because we can't see into the future or anticipate everything that could go wrong! Too bad! Humanity has its limitations. We're lesser than angels!
People have flaws and imperfections. If we connect and interact with other human beings; some of their mess is likely to rub-off on us, or get in our way. That's what resilience is for. You dust yourself off, take a shower, and move on. Life comes with disappointment, as well as reward.
We are humans, and we get scared. We get confused, and sometimes we don't have a damned answer or explanation for every freaking thing that happens! Only God knows everything, and only God is perfect. If we choose not to believe in anything bigger than ourselves, no salvation or redemption; then we have to figure it out the best we can. Why keep making therapists rich?!!! Swallowing pills and living in lala-land! Or not! Deal with it! Shrug it off, or tackle it with logic and reason. Laugh at it! Cry about it, and accept our human-limitations! We have the capacity to learn and correct mistakes! We can create! Wow, isn't that amazing?
Life happens, and sh*t happens. Life is a gift. We must be thankful for it, and use our skills of survival to get through it. God loves us, well any of us who believe it.
He loves those who don't believe too! He's great like that!
Be thankful, pray if you believe in a Higher Being; and seek enlightenment and comfort. Fight your battles, and celebrate your victories! Get a thicker skin, so some stuff bounces off; and a slicker one, so some things can't stick to us!
Love the ones sent to you to love you with all abandon!
You have accomplished much for yourself. Your parents may have neglected to give you the positive-reinforcement a child needs; but you've been successful in spite of it all.
You've always used it as your motivation and inspiration. Now that you're an adult, you must convince yourself that self-esteem and happiness is something homegrown. What we create, nurture, maintain, and repair ourselves. You should never let-go of the gratefulness you have for your blessings; or they lose significance, or dry-up. Don't let darkness steal what joy you have found in your life.
How can you appreciate joy; if there was nothing to counter it? When it is lost and comes back, we have cause to celebrate! "Joy is inward, happiness is external;" my wise Native American grandfather used to say. Happiness is what happens to us, and joy is in our spirit.
This is where I have to get deep; even scold you a little.
We have this over-developed sense of entitlement nowadays that the world owes us something. Yes, we face some crappy days in our lives. Some people don't have the ideal parents or the perfect life. Yet we have life. There is an army of millennials and an upcoming-generation on Xanax and anxiety medications; because they jump when you say "boo!"
All because the world didn't promise them beauty, perfection, wealth, and perpetual-happiness 24/7! Hey, you're supposed to feel sad. Sometimes life sucks, and people aren't always nice to us! HELLO!
I admire people like you. You rise from nothing, and you excel. You believed in yourself, and you had to make good from bad. That makes you a survivor. Somebody like you should write books and lecture the next generation to show them what real-life is like. Not what is conjured-up online, or in the movies. You are special and unique; but you are also the same as all the rest of us. Scared, lost, confused, and sometimes sad. Angry when life seems unfair!
Don't look back, that's what causes discouragement. The devil gains from our failures, and when we give-up! His job is to be a killjoy! Remind us of our past pain and suffering.
Sorry, I can get pretty deep sometimes. I've learned a lot, and I love God, life, and people. It's why I'm here.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 November 2018):
 I think you would be surprised by how many people have similar thoughts, feelings and fears to those you have expressed. Many (most?) of us have moments in our life when we feel like we are not "worthy" of what we have and that it could all get taken away tomorrow.
Don't be too harsh on your parents. I say this because I hated the way my mum was with us as children but then, after a heart-to-heart with my aunt (mum's sister), I discovered what a horrendous up-bringing my mum and her sisters had as children and understood that she did the best she could. It might have seemed woefully inadequate (and even cruel) to me but it was still miles better than she had experienced. For instance, it was not until I became friends with a lady old enough to be my mother that I learned how to open up emotionally and how to actually hug people. I kid you not. My mother could not hug us affectionately. It felt uncomfortable to her as her mother had never expressed that sort of affection towards her children. The best she could do was "bear hug" us until we screamed and make a joke out of it.
What I am trying to say is, your father probably had a difficult upbringing himself. He probably never learned the value of emotional support, hence now being unable to give this to you. Your mother, with her mental health issues, was battling her own demons. Both, in their own way, probably did, and do, the best they could/can. Forgive them for their imperfections and their shortcomings. They are probably powerless to help themselves.
I felt sad to read your husband does not feel any need to support you emotionally. Were you perhaps drawn to him because he reminded you of your parents, hence he seemed familiar? Do any of your friends realize you have times when you need a bit of support?
Given that these feelings usually come to the fore when you have been drinking alone, perhaps it might be better to do something different when you have a night to yourself? Perhaps read a book or watch a feel-good movie?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2018):
 You would be surprised how many famous people feel as you do, it's known as "Imposter Syndrome."
Google it. I also feel that some counselling might be beneficial, just to deal with the detritus of your upbringing, and it might help shine a light on why your parents, especially your father, who may simply be repeating the mistakes made by his parents.
Sending good wishes to you.
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