A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:In short details:I'm 18. No friends (I have no way to work on that until September; I only have a couple of online friends). No family except mum, dad and sister. Emotionally neglected at home for eleven years. Seen three counsellors but talking over it doesn't and hasn't been helping me. Been looking desperately for any job I'm able to do for 2 years and only two interviews which were for regular babysitting and the recent one fell through because she lost her job. I physically rely on them for food and shelter, but my counsellor says there aren't any other options until I can find a job, so I'm starting a college course in September to try to make myself more employable because I was constantly ill through my last years of school and had to leave, so I didn't get to do qualifications. I do housework a few hours a day because it's the right thing to do for them giving me the necessities.My question is how do I learn to not care that they ignore me on an emotional level? They've done that since I was a child, but I've always tried to give and receive love to/from them and they've always taken love but never given any back. Now I've had enough because it's causing me so many mental health issues and I really can't handle it any more. As I said earlier, my counsellor that I have now says I'll have to wait until I can find a job and save up and I won't be able to see her for two weeks, so I need to learn how to not care until I get to talk to my counsellor and find out what she recommends because we ran out of time to go over it today. I feel really worthless and unloved and have done for years, so how do I stop caring that they only talk to me when it's about things like housework or food shopping?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 OP, would you mind to specify a bit more what do you mean with emotional neglect, and what actions you'd want them specifically to take to show you they care ?
I am asking this not because I am saying " oh it's all n your mind ", but because dfferent people have different needs in terms of closeness, intimacy, physical demonstraton, etc. so maybe you assume that they SHOULD know what you want because all the girls want the same ( false ) or that all the girls get the same because
" that's how it's done " ( false too ).
For instance, not all 18 y.o. girls are alike, to tell you the truth, at your age a family like yours would have been paradise for me !, I was very social , very much into my frends, not much trans-generational, I would not have dreamed of voluntarily spending time with elders or 50 plus people,- or my parents, I was not interested. Ok, maybe I was a bit of a b...h:),... I have changed in time :)... but surely I was not the only one, all my friends were like that, it's a phase that most teens go through- so, with this in mind, MY way of showing love would be to let my young ones do their own thing and ask as LITTLE of their time as possible. Give them space, do not make pressures. It worked OK with my son ( not that our relationship has always been pure poetry, of course :) , but, if you were my daughter... it would not work , you see what I mean ?
Or : in many families there's love ,but not much the words or the gestures to show love. There's a thing like a pudor of feelings, of sentiments, being effusive is sort of awkward, feels a little bit tacky or maudlin, - in USA they are very good and casual about that, but I remember that when I lived there I was astonished by the number and frequency of " I love yous " going around, it was " pass me the salt, I love you " " get the butter, I love you "- it sort of creeped me out, and I am supposed to come from a country where people are effusive ! when , in fact, in real life , the truth is that, in MANY many places in this world , you keep the big emotional words for the big emotional moments, love is implied and does not need to be ANNOUNCED daily precisely because it IS safely there .
Third example : maybe you are a tactile person, you want to be hugged, cuddled, you want to snuggle... nothing wrong with that, but if your parents aren't tactile and touchy feely, good luck with that, they just aren't, it's not something they are doing on purpose to piss you off or bring you down, it's the way they are and too bad that does not meet your meeds, but... it's not AGAINST you personally.
Now OP, maybe none of these random examples applies in your specific case, your beef is with other behaviours , the point is that , no matter how hurt and disappointed you are , you have to try and be objective. Maybe what you feel like neglect is something that they , in good faith, never saw lke that, or that for other kids of other famles would be normal, or perhaps you have special emotional needs which your sister / your peers never had..
what is it exactly that you'd want to see happening ? what you would be doing in this time spent with your parents ? what do you want to talk about with them ? What are they supposed to DO, in practice ?...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): This really sucks and I'm sorry to hear what you say. I can very strongly relate to it, because both of my parents, but particularly my Mother, were very similar - my Mum never showed affection or talked to me about anything - she did, however, talk non-stop AT me. My Dad loved me until I was about 9, then went into hospital and came out a totally different person, who was harsh and cruel sometimes. They absolutely doted on my younger sister. They were vile to my elder sister, who has severe mental health issues as a result. With me they couldn't really be horrible to me because I did nothing wrong - I was just like you - cleaning and making them meals, hoping that they'd love me back. They just took it for granted.What you are describing is abuse by emotional neglect. I don't think they are physically neglecting you ie. in the sense that they are depriving you of food etc? Is that right. Emotional neglect is like a 'silent killer'. It goes undetected in families for years and years and I really think that more needs to be done to draw attention to how it happens. Often a child can seem, on the outside, obedient and calm and functional, so no-one has any idea that inside they are dying emotionally and in enormous pain. It also is not something that counsellors are always quick to pick up on - they look first for obvious abuse like hitting or verbal abuse. And most books that you read about abuse don't focus all that much on neglect. So part of your 'problem', I imagine anyway, is feeling that others will understand you and not just assume you're a spoiled teenager and/or that you're not just imagining the neglect. It is incredibly painful, I know because I've been there, and it can cause a lot of problems further down the line if it's not addressed. What I would say to you first and foremost is be very careful of books that tell you that you have to be positive and giving to others in order to receive. I took these messages far too literally and, as a young adult like you, I gave and gave and gave to people and never complained. Result? I got walked all over and finally became ill with stress. I'm not saying don't give and don't be pleasant, but you don't have to do these things permanently. I know that you're parents are pretty much ignoring you when you ask - mine did, and my mother would scream at me that I was being selfish, when I was in agony because all I wanted was a normal motherly chat with her, like everyone else seemed to get - but don't ever get into the mode of just 'giving up' from asking for things/help/care from others - this can be really dangerous. On the other hand, what your parents are doing is just using your requests to hurt you by ignoring them, or making you feel bad. I would just stop asking them, but don't cut off from your need for love - look elsewhere. The key is finding a small community that you can feel part of - it could be anything - an acting group, a walking group, an eco group, a choir, helping kids, or "buddying" someone of a similar age to you, or even church. You need to feel loved and accepted, so you have to go somewhere to get it and right now I'm not sure that working with older people is quite the right choice - I say this because it's too much like caring for your parents - I think you need a community group where giving and receiving is 'built in' - something that involves partnering up to do tasks or learn a skill for example.You are definitely doing the right thing by making yourself more employable. But I wonder if you aren't already employable in some capacity? Doing any paid work will really help to raise your self esteem - even if its cleaning, it will help you to feel better because you've earned something. How about putting an advert out for dog-walking? Dogs give huge amounts of love and loyalty - if you dog walk you'll get tonnes of it, and it can also be a great way to meet people - people smile at dogs, then at you, and then often a conversation starts.I wonder if you can get a pet? Would that be possible? Pets can be expensive but any pet that will give affection back to you will help a lot. My 'saviour' when I was growing up was a dog - my parents actually got it from stray kennels, but the dog just immediately 'took' to me - she seemed to know that I just needed love and we were inseparable. Work and education will help you. You are doing all the right things, except I'd say pull right back on what you 'give' to parents and quit asking them to love you - for whatever reason, they are just seeing this as a sign that you are being submissive to them, and for whatever reason they will just keep witholding love in order to have control. Don't buy into it. YOU are perpetuating the cycle by doing this. Break the cycle by changing how you interract with them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Original person again, thanks for replying so quickly so far. It's just very hard to not be loved at all for so many years by people who are supposed to love and support you. I do volunteer with elderly people, but the volunteers are all 50+, so I do like talking to them, but we don't talk outside of that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 That kind of avoidance is not normal. They may not link their neglect with your mental health issues. Maybe they want to stay away because their lives are stressful and your mental health issues make them feel worse. They try to make the issue go away by pretending it doesn't exist. Maybe mental illness has a stigma and they are afraid of shame and the blame that they had been bad parents. They had been waiting for you to turn 18 for so long that they don't even care how they treated you all these years.
When I had depression I didn't even think about how not to care. I just struggled and did the best I can. Now that I have a son I feel guilty of not giving him more time. There is never enough love to give and to ask for. We can all say that we are entitled to love once we are born. Just to learn that the best thing you can do is to be self sufficient. Rather than saying you need people to love you, you need approval. Say you already love, you have love inside. You only give love to people who want to receive it. In the mean time you can volunteer and build connections. Help people who are much worse off than you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Original person again. Because I was so desperate to get help, I ended up missing out some things, like we have a conversation about it every 6 - 10 weeks and nothing has ever changed. Another thing is that I'd explain to my parents that I understand they work full time and are very tired when they get home, but lots of families don't find time for each other, but some manage to even when they're tired because it's important. I'd write letters, try calmly talking about it, etc. to try to come to a compromise like half an hour a week, but I'd get in trouble for asking for some time with them. It's horrible that some people really don't have family and I do but it doesn't feel like it because they don't treat me like it (other than the physical necessities.)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2014):
That's very unfortunate. My parents had always shown my brother more attention because he's the older one and boys need to make sure they have career. The neglect had caused depression in me. My mom had said that after all the attention she gave my brother she had no more energy left for me and therefore felt a little guilty. I live away from my parents, accepted this, and no longer felt resentful. Have you tried having an open dialogue and see what they have to say?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Original person here. Janniepeg that's what I've never understood because my parents have both been very demonstrative with my sister and were with me before they just shut off showing me love and never brought it back. They both had great, loving parents too, who all passed away years before they just stopped loving me..
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2014):
Your parents don't give you attention because they had never been given attention by your grand parents. They are not doing this to make you feel unimportant. They do not know it as neglect and do not know the negative effect it has on you. There are many unparented children in the world. A growing person needs so much more than just food, shelter and money. Rather than focusing on what you lack try to understand why they are the way they are and maybe have compassion that they did not receive love as well. You are better off because you are aware of it while they just accepted or took it for granted. Feel happy because you know what's needed in relationships so you will make sure that the next generation does not feel love deprived.
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