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So what's next? Should I make a move, since he is a 36 year old shy guy who has never had a GF?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2014)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My siblings are trying to match me with a guy they have known for sometime now. They swear he is a gentleman and is intellectual and respectful to everyone. He added me on fb upon learning about me and we began talking for a few months since I am working overseas. We found out we had a lot of things in common, like we graduated from the same university, had similar majors and we enjoyed talking about politics, had the same political and religious views

When I finally came home for a vacation, I had no plans of meeting him as I was heart broken from my ex who just broke up with me.

But 3 days before I left, he called me up to ask if we could meet up. I told him I was too busy but later that night I realized I had been promising to meet him but I always cancelled.

So I told him that I am going out with my siblings and if he wants to join us, he may. Right away he confirmed that he will come.

Long story short, we met finally and he was behaving as my siblings were telling me. Right away we were talking like we knew each other for a long time. When we were about to go home as it was midnight, he suggested we go visit the church and we did.

Then after the church, he said we should go have coffee and this we did. My 2 sisters and him seemed to have enjoyed a lot, I enjoyed as well.

To be honest, he is not my type of guy when it comes to looks, I am not so attracted to him but my sisters think he is really cute. But I really like the way he behaves, he is such a gentleman and so religious.

Now I am back overseas and from time to time we chat on fb like we used to before meeting each other in person.

Now my question is, so what's next? The thing with this guy is he never had any girlfriend before and he is now 36 yrs old. Sometimes I say hi to him first, sometimes he does. It's hard to know if he is interested in me or not.

Is there anyway I could tell if he likes me? We can't be chatting and just talking about random things all the time. I like him and I want to be his girlfriend when I come home next time. I told my sister about this and she said, he is a shy guy considering he has never had a GF before.

Should I make a move? I have never initiated a relationship with a guy, it's them who chases me all the time.

Please advise?

View related questions: broke up, my ex, shy, university

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A female reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2014):

Right be prepared for what you might encounter, this is my area of expertise I have first hand experience....

Whilst them being a nice guy you will have to understand the fact they are likely to have major sexual dysfunction because he's bound to have used a lot of pornography. There is also the fact that they won't be as sexually advanced as you, so you are most likely going to be making the first move.

Sorry to be stereotypical but this is something I didn't consider when I was faced with a guy who had never had a girlfriend before, I got burnt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014):

I caution to think that he never had a GF means "literally" he has never had a girlfriend.

I received a private e-mail from an OP who explained he has never had a serious long-term relationship; due to graduate studies abroad, extensive travel, and professional endeavors. He is an academic, and let social activities take a backseat to his pursuit of higher education towards his doctorate. He was not by any means a virgin; but he was serious about his studies, and neglected forming meaningful relationships with women.

You should get an explanation why he has never had a committed relationship with a woman before you allow your feelings to attach. That is not a topic to speculate on.

You must know the facts. Accept only what sounds feasible,

and don't play gullible for his sake.

Never commit to anyone, before you know who you're dealing with.

If he had a zillion girlfriends, he could have a social or mental disorder.

There have been men on this site who have avoided intimacy; because they have unusually small penises.

Mental or social disorder should not be ruled out, but it shouldn't be presumed because of his age.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (8 January 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe's 36 and has never had a girlfriend. Does he have a social disability that is keeping him from asking girls out? My guess is yes.

You are asking if there is a way to know if he likes you. This is the classic question of teens, people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s and 90s. People in nursing homes ask this question.

The thing is that you will never know unless you put your ego on the line. He may like you, he may not. His dating background combined with his age suggests that there is something holding him back from engaging in the normal dating world. I would guess social anxiety but it could be something else.

Beyond the defense that "I have never initiated a relationship" which seems to be an accepted female stance, is there anything else keeping you from asking him out? You already know he's in his 30s and hasn't had a girlfriend, so you already know that he may be socially impeded in some way.

Let's put it this way, if the two of you wait for some precise signal indicating absolute acceptance, and neither of you are confident enough to send the precise signal, well, then, you two will be sitting there waiting a long time for the magic moment.

There IS no magic moment. Just ask him out. If he says no, well, you made a huge step. The 'no' will have nothing to do with your qualifications as a potential girlfriend. It just means that he's not in a place to go on a date with you.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (8 January 2014):

You'll find out why he's 36 and has never had a gf soon enough. But for now take things slow with him and see where it goes. The key is SLOW!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014):

I took a chance on a guy who was 37 and had only dated one woman for 6 weeks before he met me. That was for a reason. He seemed ok and polite at first but in time I found out he was far from that. He was under his mother's thumb and addicted to his car. I'm not saying this for every single man of his age but I believe there is usually a reason why people that age have never dated or lived with a woman....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014):

You have the best situation one could imagine. You have a gentleman whose character comes fully recommended and endorsed by your own sisters.

He made it his business to show up for the meeting with your family. Although you were the one who cancelled on him a few times; not the other way around.

I think the gentleman has definitely shown his interest; and could benefit from a lady who is confident enough to make the first move. Some guys prefer to be pursued. Roles are changing these days.

Women have come a long way.

Are you being hesitant because his looks aren't up to your standards?

Sometimes guys aren't going to pursue you. That doesn't mean they don't like you. They assume you're not interested; if you don't encourage them to stick around.

I'd say, give him a call when you return. Just date him a few times to get to know him better before considering any commitment.

You have to really like the guy, not just settle like he's your only option for now. He isn't there for your convenience. Nor should you pretend to like him; because you're tired of the search for a mate.

I'd say let things develop naturally, and not rush anything.

I honestly feel this guy will grow on you, and you'll realize what others may have missed up to now.

The purpose of taking your time is to see how consistent this behavior is, and how compatible he is with your own personality.

One thing he's already got covered; your family likes him.

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