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So men, does it have to be one or the other? Do you think he just doesn't want me?

Tagged as: Faded love, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2015)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am a good person, devoted and loyal to my boyfriend. Problem is his porn addiction and total obsession with woman, his rude comments hurt and he knows I don't like it, but hasn't stopped. Sex is very rare and mostly he wants oral sex. I'm lonely and unhappy. Feel like he would rather watch other woman then be with me, makes me feel unwanted. So men, does it have to be one or the other? and do you think he just doesn't want me? I know I deserve better, just don't understand the attraction to porn, he could have me whenever he wants.

View related questions: oral sex, porn

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015):

I've wondered myself based on a very similar experience. I'm sure this guy visited the porn sites although he wouldn't admit it. The relationship is no more but he no doubt had a huge addiction to women. He also had a "liked" porn site in his FB. When I discovered it one day, he tried to wiggle his way out by pretending to not have known about it and blamed someone in his work area for adding it to his likes when "he must have waked away from his computer leaving FB open." I guess he thought I was stupid enough to believe his story. Otherwise, He seems to be cut from a similar pattern. In the beginning, I bought into the flattery with his words, gifts, etc. little did I know that he was doing the same with other women. Things started going south when on his FB I realized that he was literally collecting women he didn't even know who were typically much younger, very attractive in suggestive poses and most scantily dressed. Of course, I felt as you describe. I could only assume that whatever it was he felt for me, it was not that of a normal relationship. It was hard to leave because of feelings for him but realized he was all just words which never matched his actions yet he insisted on having some type of relationship. To make a long story short, I refused to be even a casual friend knowing that he used me and that he was most certainly pulling the same crap with someone else. I can't be certain about your boyfriend but if he has an addiction to women, he may be trying to get attention from others as well and yes, it may not necessarily involve actual sex because of his inability (same with my experience).They just want the attention by flattering women and giving gifts and, oh yes, very tight hugs. For me it was unacceptable and cut him off. There are times I still struggle with my feelings. Some days are much better than others but know it will pass and I'll be better for it. I wish you luck and hope you put yourself first. You are due respect.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 June 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt You say he has an ADDICTION and any addiction is a time, thought, and energy consuming preoccupation that detracts a lot from what a person can devote to his sexual / relational life.

You feel it more because sex is more " personal " insofar you sort of feel DIRECTLY in competition with the object of his addiction, but it woulld not be that different, I guess, if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs or even food or whatever. Addicts make lousy, selfish, neglectful partners, that's all.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (1 June 2015):

janniepeg agony auntDoes he usually go limp? That explains why only oral works for him, because he can't maintain erection for vaginal sex. It could be his age, or problems caused by too much porn watching that he could not be aroused by an average woman his age. His brain has been changed, numbed throughout the years by watching porn. The attraction to porn is that there are thousands of varieties to choose from with only few clicks away. It is effortless and does not require half hour long of foreplay.

Normal, healthy men would prefer actual sex to oral. So you can't use this poor example of a boyfriend to ask a general question for all men. He can't even be grateful to all that you give him so there's no excuse, he's gotta go.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (1 June 2015):

Sounds like you're with the wrong person. I don't know his problem, but everyone is different. Your problem, however, is that you shouldn't be with him anymore. It is obvious.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy spend time and emotions TRYING to figure out why this guy can't see the great woman in front of him, and GO find someone who CAN.

Sounds like you give and give and give and he just takes. That is kind of one sided.

Personally, I'd rather be single then settle for that.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 June 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntNot pretending to speak for all men..my thought is that he's not the guy for you. If he knows there is something(ANYTHING- not just porn) that he does that you don't like then there's no respect. and, sex is not all that frequent, I don't think he is respectfull or loving. I'd kick h to the curb. you can do better. Once you find a guy that respects yu and treats you like you are the ONLY one he really cares for then you'll know! Good Luck with your quest. Remember, you have to kiss a hundred frogs before you find your prince.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015):

You're going to hear a million excuse why porn is ok and you shouldn't be hurt but as a woman who feels the same and has just about read everything available on this topic I'll tell you this .

YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID and no one has the right to tell you that you are wrong or silly for feeling them!!! No one

Seems the whole world wants to tell women that men have visual needs and there's nothing wrong with porn even though it's an industry that thrives on degrading woman ( and not just the women in it but the women like is who feel hurt by our partners use of it )

No one ever seems to tell men ' hey women have emotional needs and one of those needs for a LOT of women ( not all but a lot ) is to not feel disrespected by you masterbating to images of pornobabes

No one ever seems to think it would be fair for a woman to meet her emotional needs through other men online ao long as there's no physical touching , yet the world makes excuse after excuse for men

This is the world we live in and honestly it is extremely

Unfair to women who take issue with porn in a relationshop

. He is unlikely to change so maybe consider leaving or counselling to help you decide

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