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So here I am now, nearly four months after, still feeling hurt and rejected at being forced into ending something that could have been so good....

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2011) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi all...

I was dating a woman (40) from July to Dec last year. It was so incredibly intense at 46 years of age I can honestly say I have never experienced anything like it in my life. She was everything to me - I loved everything about her and my feelings were met with the same from her. We were so very much in love. Sex was something else and with the risk of sounding shallow she had the body of a 19 year old...I was blissfully happy. She also had a 5 yo boy - a real handful at times but manageable. So what could possibly go wrong?

Around the start of Dec I began to notice that her behaviour was changing from loving and affectionate to a more aggressive and abrasive one. We would often argue about things that she had said to me that I thought were scathing and uncalled for. Cracks started to appear and I began to feel that I could no longer put up with this 'new' person. I had already asked her to marry me (soon I know but the depth of feeling we had made it almost inevitable) and it was her idea! Even this subject became taboo. I recall starting to feel really insecure and somewhat bitter at the glib way she was treating me - why would she do this, I have given her everything, I have my own home, I am a professional, I am happy to take on her son...etc...

After several more insulting episodes, including one involving her punching me in the back of the head and kicking me in the back, I decided that something had to change - though I began to realise that if I was honest I was probably more afraid of losing the 'body' than the person! Ultimately on a night out and after taking her for a meal and after several drinks she became insulting and ridiculed me in front of my friends I decided to end it. The following day I called her and told her to be ready to collect her stuff - she was almost laid back about it (or so she seemed) almost as if she was expecting this to happen. she had always said to me that although having few relationships they had always been short lived. I myself was not long out of a 10 year relationship and she would often ask how on earth people can sustain such long relationships, she admitted being envious.

...I met her a few times after to try to reconcile things...she had "gone into survival mode" - clearly been here before and didn't want to know OR take any responsibility for what had happened.

So, here I am now, nearly four months after still feeling hurt and rejected at being forced into ending something that could have been so good. I have text a few times but been completely blanked (how can she do that...it seems sooo hard and callous, I couldn't ignore her).

I am really scared that I am not moving on.

I am scared that I will never feel such depth of feeling again.

I am afraid that I will always remember how beautiful her body was (I am being honest, not seedy!)

I still think of her all day and dream of her often.

I really don't know how to move on.

Thanks so much for reading...

M

View related questions: insecure, move on, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Now I seen to have shifted from despair to anger. How dare she allow me to get so close to her son, to make plans for the future, to stand by as I naively went along with her words not seeing through her 'plan' and patterns of self sabotage. I feel emotionally violated now!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

...thanks again for all your replies.

Its such a confusing and painful time for me - I feel like I have been hurled into an acid trip like scenario that I have no control over - the bizarre thing is I KNOW that these feelings are wrong. If I intellectualise (as I said) its a ludicrous thing to be hung up over.

What on earth would I want to be with another person who had demonstrated a capacity for emotional abuse aned even violence - why would I want to have a 5 year old living in my home after spending the last 17 years bringing up my daughter... I must be going mad

Either way, if I ask myself "...do you want this woman back in your life..."? the answer is a resounding NO!!!

So why on earth am I still feeling such a yearning for her?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I keep seeing her...its mad. I joined a motorway the other day and hers was the first car I pulled alongside - I can't help romanticising that events like that mean we should be together...is that mad too?

Sometimes like today though, even if I think of her with another bloke I truly hope that she is happy, no idea why I feel like that as other times it makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I just cannot understand how she can go from loving me to completely ignoring me - or is that because she is inherently unstable?

I am also still struggling living alone - I have always had a partner and its very new to me.

You advice is so helpful, thanks again!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

I keep seeing her...its mad. I joined a motorway the other day and hers was the first car I pulled alongside - I can't help romanticising that events like that mean we should be together...is that mad too?

Sometimes like today though, even if I think of her with another bloke I truly hope that she is happy, no idea why I feel like that as other times it makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I just cannot understand how she can go from loving me to completely ignoring me - or is that because she is inherently unstable?

I am also still struggling living alone - I have always had a partner and its very new to me.

You advice is so helpful, thanks again!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011):

Hi Mate,

I read your letter and it could have been the same woman I was dating, she was the perfect woman, tall, beautiful, elegant, graceful, rich and highly educated being a surgeon and yes had the body of said 19 year old. Our sex life was something I have never experienced.

The answer to your question is the same as mine, we choose to date hot passionate beautiful women who have been dated by other lesser men and have installed traits within her mind. Insecurity often show's in many forms, my woman often chipped away at my ego to see my reaction or to get a reaction.

Moving on is very hard when we have dated a woman with true passion, only few married people ever truly find this passion.

I am also in a state of shock as my woman moved on very quickly, too quick but women like this can walk into a place with instant attraction and can pick, sadly often the wrong ones again, only to miss the obvious relationship.

So my friend, keep your chin up and look out for that passion you saw in another woman, she will turn up somewhere unexpected.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi all and thanks so much for your advice - I am humbled!

Its true that this would probably never have worked, however, for some reason I am still in the thick of it re my emotions. I hate to sound whimpish but its true. I was just this morning meeting a chap in town who may buy a car off me. It wsa outside a hotel I know that she goes in to see her friend for a coffee occasionally. I had a gut feeling I may see her. Needless to say I was on the phone and around the corner she came. I swear i thought I was going to pass out!!! She looked different somehow, can't explain. she saw me but went out of her way to avoid walking past me. Even when she came out of the hotel she avoided me...how can she be so hard and cold???

It occured to me that she might think I was there waiting for her so I sent a text saying "I was just waiting to meet a chap re my car, you should have said hello". Guess what, no reply!

When she saw me she almost looked frightened...

I feel sick to the stomach now. Its really getting me down and I so much want to feel better and move on, but the intensity of the feelings are not responding to any form of logic. I really don't know what to do :(

I am hankering after a woman who is either afraid of her own feelings and scared that if she did approach me she could get hurt again or she simply doesn't want to know.

M...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011):

"after several drinks she became insulting and ridiculed me in front of my friends"

"scathing and uncalled for"

"involving her punching me in the back of the head and kicking me in the back"

"she had always said to me that although having few relationships they had always been short lived"

Yeah, she was expecting it, because this is what happens in her relationships.

She has a major problem, and alcohol impacts her brain in ways that you can't understand and she probably doesn't either.

She's probably majorly insecure, despite the body, and you probably don't think that she would be because of what you see.

These actions are those of someone who is in fear, insecurity, and self loathing.

BUT, that's just the alcohol. Then, there is the past, and what happened, that you don't know, and she isn't going to tell you yet, or ever, without long term counseling with a partner. Really, at this point she's just as likely going to lie to any counselor, because she's going to be afraid of them.

And, you aren't going to pay the price, her 5 yr. old child is going to pay a terrible price.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2011):

AuntyEm agony auntLike many beautifully wrapped packages that beguile you, many have no substance. Once the box is opened we seldom lose momentum if there are cracks already.

Although beautiful to your eyes this woman retained secret problems that had no choice but to surface eventually. She admitted she could never sustain a long relationship, some people are just commitment phobes...and the violent behaviour masks much deeper problems.

You sound like a romantic guy and you perhaps built up future scenarios in your mind of how perfect everything was going to be. Sadly the reality was that this woman was always going to dissapoint. She lost interest in you and began to treat you very badly...that is the reality of her...that is what she is.

Your heart and mind will hanker for the good times, both lived and expected and the gorgeous body which filled so many of your desires, but eventually enough time will pass and you will reluctantly move onwards. It's hard to do but you have little choice.

The world is full of people and I personally believe we are capable of loving several people throughout our lifetime.

Give no more thoughts to her, but give all thoughts to you and how you can make life better for yourself.

I am sorry you are feeling so sad and I hope you find some peace.

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A female reader, needadvice86 United States +, writes (29 March 2011):

Hi there,

I understand your situation and I empathize with you. I am sorry she has taken you from such a high to such a low. But, you cannot get hung up on the problem being you, when in reality it may very well be her. It seems as though she is showing her true colors, and you have to think of this as a good thing...because is the relationship made it to 2 years etc. etc. this would be far more devastating. I think a relationship has its true test after the 4 to 5 month mark, because reality sets in a bit and the honeymoon phase ends a little, however I don't think this means the great bond and happiness should change. After this some people tend to get into a strange funk and tend to really act the way they want. I am not saying your relationship was a lie in the beginning because it sounds like you had amazing chemistry, which is rare to find. But, I am saying some women can tend to act differently after they get used to a certain situation. I can't say that this makes sense because you sound like you have it all going for you...but if there is NO concrete reasons for her new personality and she cannot explain, nor wants to apologize, then I would say you are better off without here. NO ONE deserves to feel that way and as much as you feel like you won't be able to move on, you have to remind yourself of what a great person you are and if this woman can't see that, then you need to get out there and keep looking!

Best of luck- Keep your head up!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011):

Maybe the key here is the fact that she told you she was not able to sustain long relationships. She almost sabotages things so that everything goes pear shaped. She seems to have little regret that your relationship did not work out and has probably totally moved on already. Maybe that is her way. This leaves you to come to terms with someone who sailed into your life and out again, leaving you bereft. I think if you accept this woman was never going to be in it for the long haul, you can treat it as a brief episode in your life and that the outcome was never going to be any different.

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