A
female
age
36-40,
*urseBetty85
writes:Just to start off, I'm a 30 yr old female and single. For the past two years I've been sleeping with my ex (37). He took my virginity exactly 15 yrs ago and we always been hooking up on and off. I have been celibate since 2008 due to low self esteem and obesity. So in 2013 he broke my celibacy and we have been sleeping around since then. This may seem like a common situation, which is true. The problem I'm having is I want more out of this sexual relationship or at least more respect. We have unprotected sex for years now (both clean), but I get nervous about he's self life because we are not officially a couple and he's attractive. Sex with him is great, convenient and familiar. I'm a pretty woman but I'm also obese. So its been hard to find men to take me seriously. My ex likes a big women and never had issues with my body. I believe that's the reason I stick around. Unfortunately I get treated like shit, no communication, no phone calls or text. He only hits me up on the days when it's time to fool around. I try so hard to communicate with him, but I don't even get a reply back. I speak about the issue and he simply don't care. He tells me he's not my man and I shouldn't get on his case. I feel like a simple "hello" or good morning won't hurt especially if I'm sleeping with you raw! I know if I cut him off completely, my sex life would be on pause for awhile until I loose weight. At the same time I deserve more respect even if we are or not technically dating. My question is, I'm I wrong for demanding communication from a man that's not my boyfriend? Please help , this situation is making me feel horrible.P.S. he doesn't even kiss me or perform oral sex at all!
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celibate, my ex, oral sex, self esteem, sex life, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I fail to see how the sex could be great enough to tolerate any of this. No kissing, no oral?
You need to find the strength to end this and never see him again. He has no respect for you and he's using you.
There are other men who like larger women. You can lose weight over time or go without sex for a while it won't kill you.
Go to a therapist and discuss all of these issues- it is a self esteem issue that you would waste 15 years on some idiot who probably never loved you in the first place. 15 years of your life and I don't hear you saying you love him so what is the point of it? Even if you did he obviously isn't worth it. Don't waste more of your life this way because that is what you're doing.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 My answer t your question is; Yes you aredoing wrong for even giving this loser the dignity of any communication. Dump and un the guy is a loser and an idiot! no oral sex means he really is stupid on top of all the other things wrong with him. Deep breath and pack your bags for new life. witout dumbass.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 February 2015):
 You are NOT going to GET respect from this guy by sleeping with him.
He is NOT your friend, he is an EX.
And stop filling your head with garbage, obese or not, NO ONE deserves to be treated like dirt. And you know it.
Why not DUMP the user loser and FOCUS on getting your health in order and loving yourself?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2015):
 The key to your submittal is this phrase: "... Unfortunately I get treated like shit,...."
Nobody - man, woman, child, ocelet or wildebeest - should have to put up with that.... Seal your self-esteem.... and dump this user.... and get on with your life....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): My grandmother told me and my siblings as we grew-up, "you get what you're willing to take." Now I will offer you some wisdom.
You see your obesity as your reasoning or rationalization to accept his disrespect in exchange for sex. Well, being friends with benefits has its drawbacks. Being a victim of indifference and disrespect are the usual complaints from the person who has all the feelings.
Losing weight should be a gradual work in progress. If you feel so strongly your weight holds you back, I guess it will be a matter of time before that motivates you to do something about it. Not for some male ass-hat's sake; but because you put your health and well-being first. If obesity makes you feel bad about yourself, first accept the fact that doing something about it isn't easy; and then your mind adjusts to the challenge. Set a realistic goal; find a safe and effective means to reach that goal, then go for it. Have patience and faith in yourself. If you do it for you, there is no one else to pressure you. Others are only needed to motivate and inspire you. That's where it ends.
Settling into an unhappy situation for the convenience is a conscious-choice. The losses will eventually out-weigh the benefits. Your post is evidence you are coming to terms with this. If he is "attractive" and appreciates your body, who says no one else will? If you're pretty; and you know it, appreciate it. Don't squash that fact with self-hatred.
You have to hate the fat, not your body. Fat comes and goes, but the body is our vessel to live in until we die.
We can change and decorate it, but it's the only one we get.
The problem is, you just don't have the patience to cherry-pick through the dating-process to find the one who does. That's what dating was invented for. It's fun and torture rolled into one. No one sets more limitations on your progress and success in life than you do. Happy people who have found love; took the risk, believe in love,
love themselves, and KNOW THEY'RE WORTH IT!!! Another fact is, they were happy before they found love. They didn't count on anybody but themselves to create their happiness.
So it's something they share, not expect from others.
People nowadays have a strong sense of entitlement and feel life owes them something. If there is a challenge life sets before them; they will see it more as a curse than simply a way to get motivated. Anything worth having is worth working for. It won't just fall into your lap. If you're blessed and it does; then the work will be keeping it there. We're all worth it, sweetheart. Weight has nothing to do with it. If we gave up on love because of our imperfections, nobody would have anybody!
Either detach, or quietly take what you get! Stop hating yourself so much you allow yourself to take this crap! When you decide to love yourself just as you are; something amazing happens. Others realize how loveable you are, and things fall into place. You change your outlook. Test this theory before you reject it. I have, and it worked for me and many others I know.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (28 February 2015):
You seem a nice girl needing love and respect but going around it the wrong way .First of all this man is simply and only using you for sex.He is not doing you any favours and is treating you in a most dreadful way.Be positive delete this man from your life because you will never get respect from him.Bebrave join a walking group get advise on your weight For now you think of yourself for a change -make new friends. Remember we get treated the way we ALLOW people to treat us.Meet someone that will appreciate the nice person that you are .Best wishes NORA .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Sigh.
(FYI,in my personal opinion you should never sleep with an ex (NEVER) and is really not "common" or the "done" thing as you describe. At least not in my circles...)
You are sending the wrong signals.
You are so desperate for sex with him that you continue to agree to everything he demands. Why should he change? He is still getting everything he wants from you (i.e. just in case I wasn't clear enough=sex. That's all he wants from you)!
Oh,and,btw, "your" man is not the only one on earth who likes big girls. Plenty of those around.
But even if you don't find one immediately-so what? I don't see what's so wrong with putting your sex life on pause,as you describe, until you find somebody worthy (since it seems that you want a relationship and not just a shag?)
He has given you a clear signal. For Christ's sake he has verbalised it and SPELLED it out for you- " He tells me he's not my man and I shouldn't get on his case."
he is right. He is not "your" man, you are just a friend with benefits to him (and I would even question the "friend" part...He seems to come just for the benefits).
So drop him. Cut off all contact.
This ex of yours is holding you back. Or to put it more accurately- you are holding yourself back by AllowinG this to happen.
In my honest opinion, it doesn't seem to me (from what you've written) that you stick around because you are comfortable with him. On the contrary, you seem to stick around because there is an emotional connection on your side-he was your first, he seemed to be there when you needed it (when you were emotionally vulnerable I'd say- why would he "break" your celibacy?Unless you wanted it/agreed to it too? If so-why? Why did he even know about your celibacy thing? But point is-when you decide to be "celibate" for so long and then you sleep with someone and exclusively with them, it's even easier to develop an emotional bond/co-dependency. It's biology. )
I think you need to drop the ex- we all have firsts,but we rarely end up being with them for life. In this case, it's better to let go of the past, of the emotional shackles that keep you were you are and is best to work on improving your health/self-esteem and get going from there.
Wishing you luck,
The Nonny
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): End it. I was in the exact same situation as you but I have a good body and considered attractive.
In summary it's just a booty call/casual relationship. SO yes he doesn't need to communicate with you on other days.
The situation eats at your self esteem and leads to depression. That is not worth the sex at all. End it and focus on the positives in your life. Grow as a person and improve your life. I haven't had sex since I ended the same scenario 4 months ago....and I dont care because Im so much happier with not having a user in my life!!
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