A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in dire need of help!!! I am a 47 year old female. I divorced my bi polar husband and we have been seperated for five years. I have not moved past the pain of the divorce. I have not accepted it and regret it. My husband was the love of my life. My husband told me he had a visual problem prior to getting married and it did not bother me. I did not know he was bi polar until a few years into the marriage. My husband refused to take medication and blamed me when he would go into an episode. HIs family blamed me as well, When my husband was in the middle of an episode I had him admitted to a hopital and his mother fought me every step of the way. HIs mother hates me now and will not acknowledge me since I filed for divorce. I have a nine year old daughter that is also the love of my life. I have had to support her on my own since she was one, and pay all of the mortgage payments and bills alone because he lost his job in the midst of an episode. After the divorce, I met a man I had been seeing for over two years but he would spend more time with his friends than me and showed signs of commitment phobia, this man was wonderful to my daughter but I was looking for someone more commited to start a new family with. Since this man was busy with his friends there was not a lot of time for intimacy. I pride myself on working out and taking great care of myself but I do not feel like a women and am feeling I am going to grow old alone because there are limited choices out there. Then I go back to the cycle of regret for filing for divorce or I call the commitment phobic guy up only to hear that he is not sure what will make him happy for the rest of his life and he wants to make the right choice that will m ake him happy. Since the divorce, my ex has made my life hell and has been verbally abusive to me. He says I made up lies becasue I wanted out, I am a bad mother, on and on. I had tried for years and years to get him help and was terrified when he was in an episode.I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel., Can anyone relate?Thank youI need help because I am worried I am a train wreck!!Please help!!
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female
reader, Sudohnim  +, writes (17 July 2010):
This is some time ago now... but on the off chance that you still read here.(a) I hope things have settled down and picked up for you. You sound like you have been through an awful lot. (b) Bipolar is a hugely draining condition and especially so when the person will not receive treatment. I lost my best friend due to this. She refused treatment and eventually was hospitalised. She blamed me (I had to take her to the hospital as she was running around the streets naked with a knife - the police said hospital or custody, so I had no choice!) (c) as for being alone... I know what that is like too. I was alone for nearly 6 years. I had split with my previous partner after having treatment for breast cancer (well actually he sodded off to the USA working whilst I had my treatment... even though his company told him he could take time out to look after me.. nice eh). I was lonely and said for a huge amount of time. It took me a long long time to feel ready and I mean really ready for a relationship. I felt ready for company and sex... but I wasn't ready for the deep and committed relationship. I thought I was, but each time I started seeing someone, I ended the relationship after a few dates...!!! Trust me when I tell you, take time for yourself. Take time to value, care for and take care with yourself first. It is not until you feel whole and happy again, will you be able to give wholeheartedly. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. It took me 5 years... and I felt that I would end up living and being alone. Just when I had accepted that, along came my current Fiance. We are getting married in October and expecting our first child next year. Please trust yourself and take time out to heal yourself clearly and properly. It will be worth it in the end..!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Being in a "relationship" with a bi-polar person who's refusing medication is impossible. Your on a roller coster with someone with 2 or 3 realtities, that changes w/o notice. My Ex was on the verge of nuts at the end of our marriage, and had dreamed up all kinds of crazy realtities that she took to a divorce attorney. It took me 1.5 years to debunk all the crazy stuff, and she'd lied so much she got nothing. In 9 years she had 15 jobs (one for 3 years, so do the math...) Finances were a wreck, bills unpaid, and NOTHING was wrong with her...
Why would you pine for returning to something like this?
Get some objective help in seeing whatever the realtity of your situation was- if he was in such a state that a hospital admitted him, it likely was really bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Bi polar is a disgusting illness. Watching someone you love become someone you don't even know is awful and scarey. I can't believe he refused medicine. Guaranteed his episodes would have become more pronounced and severe with time, you don't want your daughter around that. Its difficult for your husband too, its not their fault that they get like that and often during an episode especially a high one, they think everyone else is crazy and not them which is why they don't seek help. During low episodes they accept much readily that something is wrong, but its a challenge at the best of times. Don't feel bad for the divorce, its tough even at the best of times. I've seen it.
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (25 October 2009):
You WILL be happy and can be happy now. You have to remember why you divorced him. He didn't live up to what you expected for a husband. You divorced because you weren't happily married. You started a relationship with another man because you didn't want to be alone. That is understandable but if he doesn't want to settle down, leave him alone. He is not right for you either. You have to be comfortable with the fact that you are doing what is best for you in the long run. You can be happy with or without a man and you have to give yourself a chance to see that. Someday you will find somebody who will want to settle down and hopefully by then you are over your divorce and have accepted it. I know how hard it is but I also know that you are doing the right thing. I think you are stronger than you seem to realize.
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A
male
reader, lust  +, writes (25 October 2009):
i am so sorry to hear this. i don t know why men do such behaviour to their beloved eventhough i am a man. my advice is this you have a doughter turn all ur love to her and forget men and their pain. one day and without any attention you will meet the man that you deserve. dont be afraid of the future and that you will be all alone without any husband in the rest of ur life -suppose that u have an idealistic husband but when u are 60 y old he dies how can you find another one in that time-
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Natashia,thank you for responding. Your answer made me cry as you are right! I married and said the vows in sickness and in health. When my husband was healthy , he was the handsomest, funniest, kindest, loyal, most caring man in the world. He loved me so much. I feel I am a failure since the divorce and felt enoumous guilt because the ex kept saying to me I divorced him because his vision was bad, in addition he had to give up his liscence. Then I see how poor the choices are for women and is all I can do is look back and think what more could I have done to make it work. Like I said this is an endless cycle for me. I do not feel complete without a life partner it is the truth. I do give my all to my career and my beautiful daughter. I still feel sad when she has to leave to her dads house as this was never my definition of family life. I feel this is my destiny I guess!! Thanks for answering, I know I sound pathetic!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 October 2009):
 First thing: don't regret the divorce. You say yourself that he scared you when in an episode, wouldn't recognise his needs, and his family treated you badly. He is now continuing to abuse you. He may have been the love of your life - you feel - but I suspect that will change when you meet someone decent. Your husband hasn't even supported you financially, or his child. You sound like me, though - it doesn't matter how bad someone is, you still love them, or feel it your duty to love them. After all, what is love if you turn someone away when they're being less than nice, when it isn't really their fault? (eg, your husband - who is ill). And I think this is why you feel bad about the divorce - you feel you did a bad thing, let him down and have failed.
Another (frankly healthier and more positive) way of looking at it, of course, is that he, and his family, failed you. He did a very bad thing in refusing help - he must have know how his episodes affected you and your daughter. He let you both down, dreadfully, and is still doing so.
You can't eliminate him from your life entirely, but you can have a damn good try at reducing his influence and importance. He is only going to be a destructive force, I'm afraid. If you are miserable and feel bad, then you need to change either your perspective or your behaviour, or both. What you're doing isn't working for you - so change it.
You need to look elsewhere - for friendship and for love . It will come. You won't be alone. Just open yourself up to possibilities and they will come your way. He is the past, and unfortunately in a sorry state - but you can only do so much, and already have done. You just need the courage to move on to the rest of your life. Do it.
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female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 I am sorry you went through this but you are better off then you were with your husband. You also need to get over it. Have you tried seeking help for that?
You need to relax. There is no need to have to be in a relationship right now-especially where you are not over your husband.
Hang out with friends and enjoy life.
Good Luck and feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.
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