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anonymous
writes: I have to fill you in first... my boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and it has been perfect. We never fought or argued. Everything about us was so right. Now he has started a new job in another city about two hours away. This weekend he came home after the first week and said that he doesn't feel our relationship is going anywhere and he is to the point in his life where he either feels like it is for good or needs to get out because he doesn't want to waste my time or his. Well not two months ago he jokingly asked what I would do if he proposed and I said of course I'd say yes. Well after that he never actually did. He nad I were settled into a routine while lived here everything was constant. He knew were I was, what I was doing, etc. Though he never told me who I could hang out with or where I could go, but he still knew. And at his old job he could call me any time he wanted but with his new job he is so busy that he can't and he has no service on his cell at his new house so he can't call at night. He said that he still loves me and cares about but we need space apart and to start seeing other people but when I move in August we will see what happens. I am so confused about what to do. How to help him realize how much in love we are? Should I keep in touch, should I be a friend? I am so hurt by all of this and it is not because of the moment but when I envision my future I can see myself ten, twenty, fifty years down the road being with this man, I love more than anything. Please help me to understand.. How can I help him? Reply to this Question
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reader, rphillips +, writes (16 May 2005):
I don't know if you can help him. I just think that he is busy living his life and that he wants you to live his life.Are you moving to where he is to be with him? I hope not. If you are moving for a job or family or other reasons then that is OK. But if you are just moving to be with him, and you are not sure where your relationship is headed, then that can be dagerous. You don't want to be in a new town with no friends and no support system.Just give him some time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2005): It sounds like his met some-one he can go out side and ring you or he could get a land line put in and then he can ring you when he wants
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2005): GIVE HIM SPACE! At least he didnt dump you on your ass.
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reader, Infiniterealism +, writes (16 May 2005):
Absence can either make the heart grow fonder in some instances, on the other hand its out of sight and out of mind. If we allow our relationships to be all-consuming this can smother us and make us feel like we want to escape and find ourselves once again. Sounds like your boyfriend used this time apart to come to the realization that he is a seperate person from you. There needs to be certain level of mystery in relationships, this keeps things interesting. Things became to predictable for him and he developed a disinterest in the relationship. You can do one of two things. Either continue to be notoriously needy or gain some independence and find other projects to occupy your time. We cannot change people and alter their way of thinking to satisfy our wants and needs. If he chooses to leave and begin seeing other people, that is his perogative, even if you feel its a bad decision, he is making that choice for himself. Give him his freedom. Accept that things have changed for him. You see, he is the one who got a new outlook on life because he is now in a different environment where everything is new. You, on the other hand, have stayed back in the zone where you two once frolicked. So, naturally you have things to remind you of him and the times you spent, your surroundings maintain those memories, so it is harder for you to adapt to the change. You see, his feelings have changed. This doesnt mean anything is wrong with him. He doesnt need 'help'. He is only human. So take him down from that pedestal you placed him upon and embrace that he has made a decision that caters to his own happiness. We are our own individuals. Find yourself and your own individuality. Do not be dependent on another person. If he see's that you have started to accept things and are moving on then maybe this will help him see what a great person you are. There is so much out there that this world can offer you. Explore this new found independence and use it wisely. Take the good and leave the bad, your going to be ok on your own. Change your surroundings a bit by adding to your wardrobe, visit new places, change your furniture around, listen to new music, do anything new to gain a fresh outlook on things. Don't always 'be' there where he expects you, this will be exciting to him again. Oh, and leave some mystery, do the unexpected. For instance, next time someone asks you what your answer would be to a marriage proposal, respond with something like,"I don't know baby, I would have to consider whats in it for me."
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2005): I think you should just forget about him and get on with your life knowing lads he'll have found someone else anyway or not want you to dump in so get in there first.
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reader, tazmanya +, writes (16 May 2005):
I seriously think that the person you need to help most is yourself. From what I am seeing this man is letting you know he needs his space and the best thing you can do is give it to him. I understand how much you might love this man, but for you to get the best from a relationship there needs to be an equal amount of give and take from both parties involved. It sounds like in this case you maybe doing more of the giving and hoping. We do throughout our lifetime fall in love with people who we think will be our lifetime partners but it does not happen. If that were the case we would all end up with the first person we meet and not everyone has that experience. You mentioned also there was no arguing in your relationship which to me is questionable. Perhaps the most successful and lasting relationships I have seen have there highs and lows because that is how life works and there is no avoiding this. Absence of conflict in a relationship does not indicate a good relationship, in fact, dealing with conflict would be considered a successful point in relationship. I think you would do well gain a realistic view of how relationships work rather from those who are in one and maintain one (couples in their 50's and 60's are great for this) than how they should be because the man in question may very well have a different view of what is right for him and that is what he appears to be showing you. Remember releasing what you love most is considered the higest form of love.
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