A
female
age
51-59,
*AC
writes:Six months ago I met a man on-line. We e-mailed each other several times a day, talked on the phone constantly and developed a great friendship. Being on different coasts I suppose made it safe for him. He's 43 and has never been married and definitely has some big issues towards women. We met in late September and had a very passionate time together. He let his guard down and our intimacy seemed to make our friendship deeper. After we parted, we continued to write, call, e-mail several times a day. Then, this past month, his calls stopped. When we did communicate, he was rude, judgmental and passive-aggressive towards me. I tried to find out what I did or what went wrong and perhaps by asking I came across as needy or insecure? On my birthday two weeks ago he said some horrible things to me - first, that women are in their sexual prime until they're forty and that's why they want to hurry and get married before they lose it. And that men come into their own past forty. Then, he said he wasn't stupid, that he knew I wanted more, that he didn't want to be my surrogate husband or boyfriend! My head was spinning in confusion. I never pushed for anything more or too quickly; I was happy being friends. I'm separated, but legally, still married. I wrote him a note after not hearing from him for almost a week and he hasn't replied. Obviously, he's doing a fade away and he's not into me any more. I know it's over and it hurts and all, but come Christmas and New Year's, do I not send him a text or e-mail? It just seems so weird to go from complete confidantes to not speaking seemingly overnight.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TAC +, writes (18 December 2008):
TAC is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok, so he responded to my e-mail asking him what happened to our friendship. Here's what he wrote:
.......... deep breath ............ :)
I haven't changed anything ............. just living my ever more busy life.
Over-analysis leads to paralysis. KISS - Keep It Simple Sam
I pretty much agree. Yes ... keep in touch ..... joke ...... etc .....
XO
_____________________________________________________________________
I'm OVERANALYZING?! No one's too busy to return a phone call or to send a text, etc. Isn't he trying to make me look like the one with problems? Whatever... time to move past the b.s. Life is too short to waste it on worrying about someone who isn't worrying about us!!
A
female
reader, TAC +, writes (17 December 2008):
TAC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses!! You are both so insightful!! I got the feeling he was punishing me for caring about him. I guess he has issues about his own worthiness which I just don't understand. We're talking about an extremely handsome, smart, successful guy, but I guess issues run deep beyond the surface level. Looking back, he was needlessly mean. There's a difference between being honest and being mean. I ignored the signs because he also could be extremely sweet and caring. Ultimately, too much of a roller coaster ride. So I will take your sage advice and not beat myself up over it...
Happy holidays and thanks again for reminding me that it's not me, it's him. I guess I took it a little personal.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (17 December 2008):
 This guy does definately have issues...! He doesn't sound like even he knows what he wants, he has too many barriers built up, and being involved with someone like him is going to be a total head f*ck!
I;m sure it will be hard considering the time you have spent together, talking, etc, but I would move on. He's going to provide an emotional rollercoaster which I don't think you want or need.
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A
male
reader, Crafter  +, writes (17 December 2008):
 That's like me 20 years from now.But on the current topic:Yea, he's definitely breezing out on you. Odds are that it's not even remotely your fault. He's just got problems of his own. Loneliness can do that to people. And as the years pass you realize that there is something not quite right with you. That very same idea grows into anger (the passive kind) and starts to reflect on people around you. Usually it's the closes people that you care for too. Oh, well... It's too bad it happened before Christmas and all. It's not exactly nice being alone on the holidays. Adopt a positive perspective on the matter. You got in, you saw, you got out before it was too late. Do you really want to be with someone who is that insecure and mean? Being rhetorical here... Of course you don't.So assuming that you've been there and you know how hard break ups are, you already know how it goes. You're sad for a while then you kind of open your eyes and see that it was not your fault and then one day you wake up, ready for something new and the search continues.Life ain't all that bad.Happy holidays and best of luck.
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