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Sick of being seen as one of the guys

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 September 2012) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2012)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Once again I have fallen into the 'you're like one of the guys' category with another guy. I love having guy friends, most of my friends are guys because I don't get along with girls my age. I get along with older women really well, but most girls my age or younger, I have a hard time connecting with. However, for the past five years I've been going on dates with guys I meet offline or through friends, or work. And each and every one of these guys always consider me to be one of the guys after a while.

I am really good friends with a guy I went on dates with a few years ago. It's not like I sit around farting and belching. I act very feminine, and dress up around these people. I was seeing this one guy for about a month, and he really enjoyed my company because he keeps initiating contact. And if I text him, it only takes him a few minutes to reply back. So I thought I finally found someone. He's met this beautiful girl, they met last week. And he told me that he wants to still hang out with me though, even though he'd rather date this girl. I was kind of angry and ignored him, because I am really hurt and disappointed once again. He got upset about me ignoring his texts so he came over earlier to talk me today. He explained that he has missed me the entire week, he needs someone like me in his life because I make him laugh, and I asked if he still wanted to go on dates with me. He said "No, I see you as one of my guy friends." and then wondered why I got offended.

This happens to me all the time. This girl has no substance to her either. I've met her before, she is ditzy, and helpless. So I'm wondering, do I need to start acting like a helpless, ditzy damsel in distress to get guys to realize I am a girl? Do I need to start acting like an idiot when I drink? Yet these guys in my life are more attracted to the girls who have one drink, and then start stumbling around and swooning, and act even more ditzier than usual.

One of my guy friends hit me really hard the other day, and it hurt. I got angry about it, and one of his buddies who thought it was weird that he hit me asked why he would hit a girl. He goes "Yeah, she's not a girl... she's too cool."

I don't get it. I dress the same as any other girl does, I probably shower as much and yet I am not considered to be a girl and its frustrating. I just want a boyfriend, but since High School I can't find one. I have never been in a relationship, and I am 25. They all seem to like my personality. I get told all the time by them that they like my personality... and even one guy when I asked what I should do said "Don't become ditzy, I can't stand ditzy girls and most guys can't." and yet three days later, that was the type of girl he was going for.

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A female reader, Basschick Australia +, writes (28 September 2012):

Basschick agony auntIf he really said that (about hating ditsy girls) you have to ask him why he is going out with one. You of all people should be able to get away with a point blank question. And I for one would love to know what he says. You have a pattern in your life, so you have to figure out how to change it. I suspect you're very good at pool, poker, and beer pong. You say you dress like all the other girls but I suspect you tend to wear t-shirts and jeans but nothing that shows clevage or your curves. Plus you're missing a valid point in the boy/girl equation. Men like to feel needed by a woman. If you are quite capable of drinking them under the table, and changing your own flat tire you don't really need a man, so they see you as just another guy even though you have boobs. You don't have to become "ditsy" to change things up. But you do have to make some changes. And you won't be able to pull it off with the guys that already know you, but if you're interested in meeting someone new, I suggest you wear some girlie jeans (the kind that have bling on the butt and pockets). Wear heels that are at least 2". (They don't have to be Lady Gaga heels). A t-shirt is fine but it has to be low cut and don't be afraid to buy a push up bra to show off your girls. Ditch the chunky, manly watch you probably own, and get one with small diamonds or any watch with bling. I suspect you're also not the type of girl who bothers carrying a purse. Also a girl-thing. Buy a leopard purse, or one in hot pink or purple it doesn't have to be huge, but it has to look girlie. Then take it with you everywhere you go. Don't be afraid to pull out your lipstick (and yes, you have to start wearing some) and apply it at the table. Another girl-thing. The next thing you have to do, is to appear as though you need help with things. This is where guys begin to see you as someone they can "take care of" someone who "needs them". It's primal. Guys may say they want an smart, independent woman, but that's not really true. How do they fit into a woman's life who doesn't really need their help with heavy lifting; opening jars, hanging pictures, or fixing things on their cars? Think about it. And when you do meet a guy you like, don't beat him at the pool game. Play lame for awhile. Let the guy show you how to hold the cue stick and how to aim. Make a few crappy shots at first and roll your eyes when the ball fails to go into the pocket. After you've gotten to know him better invite him to your place and cook him dinner. Wear something soft and romantic. Maybe a casual skirt and some low heels (you don't want to appear like you're trying too hard). Pour some wine, play some music and do it up nice. These are the things that will help him see you as a girl and not just another buddy. Trust me after he's fallen madly in love with you it's fine to beat the pants off him, at pool and drink him under the table, just make sure you ask him to help you when your computer locks up, or you car is making a weird noise. Good luck.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (28 September 2012):

Stop worrying - trust me, at some point you will be snapped up, and it will probably happen when you least expect it.

Also, don't change who you are just so you can get a guy. No man will respect that at all.

Finally, I'd strongly suggest that you look at the type of guy you're attracted to. Seems to me that you're attracted to fairly superficial guys, or guys that aren't really good enough - hence why they go out with the ditzier, drunk girls. You might well find that you're attracted to this one type, and so you pick the same type of guy over, and over again.

Also, you might want to try and pick a new hobby, where you can meet entirely new men, rather than those on the net, at work, or through friends. Because if you're meeting guys through the same way each time, then again you'll be picking the same type of guy.

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