A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Why is it that some women(who have had multiple partners) worry over their current partner's (who has also had multiple partners) use of porn?Wouldn't having had various sexual encounters with various different people make porn the least of your worries? In addition, if his porn use doesn't interfere with your sexual relationship, what is the issue?
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I don't agree that men would flip out if women did more bachelorette parties & looking at strippers. Tons of women just assume that their men would be bothered as much as it bothers them. But often this is not so true. Men might not love for their wife to do these things, but I don't think they would totally flip out over it as much as women assume they would.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Porn is a deal breaker for me.Unless, we both agreed we were comfortable together viewing it. I do not think female porn stars are all that attractive, with thier balloon popping implants, etc but I find it to be degrading to women. I agree with anonymous, men will change thier behavior quickly as more women have bachlorette parties with male strippers and look at naked men and get stimulated.
...............................
A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x  + ♥, writes (10 November 2009):
 This is an older question now but I was talking about this with a few friends today, so thought I'd come back and post again. Out of my friends (male and female), it was generally the girls that had a negative opinion on porn. On a more in-depth discussion, it was obvious that a lot of them have never even watched porn and their opinions were based on things they'd heard about it. They basically just sat there blasting the use of porn due to it being "fake", "ignorant", "dirty", amongst other things. On the other hand, MOST of the lads had no issue with a girlfriend watching porn, but felt they had to hide a liking of porn from their girlfriends. One guy did think it disrespectful though, but he said that it was tied partly into his religious beliefs.After listening to all the objecting parties, it became quite apparent that they felt threatened by the people in porn, and felt like they were being compared to them. I know all these people very well, and I know that none of them have a huge amount of self confidence. One might argue that porn makes this worse and the spouse should try to make them feel better.. but I personally think that porn isn't the problem, the confidence is. It's impossible to take everything out of the world that could affect your self confidence.. you have to rise above it yourself.So then it was time for my input. Me personally, well I'm female for a start, and I've been told in the past by a couple of guys that I've got a higher sex drive than their previous girlfriends. Could this be an issue I wonder? I frequently watch porn, and I have absoultely no problem with my boyfriend/girlfriend at the time watching porn either with or without me. For me, I find porn to be helpful in the sense it can be used to scratch a certain itch that a partner isn't comfortable with - perhaps a particular fetish. I'd say this benefits the relationship as no one is left craving something, but no one feels obliged to comply. After saying this infront of my friends, practically every girl pulled a face and said how horrible that is, and how inferior they'd feel - as if they couldn't satisfy their partner. I personally don't think one person can COMPLETELY satisfy another person in every possible way. I personally try my best to be everything I can be for the other person, but if there's something I simply cannot do, then I'm more than happy for porn to stand in so they're happy, it's important.Towards the end of the discussion I was told that the reason I don't mind or even encourage porn, is because I'm bisexual, and thus more "manly" apparently - rubbish I say. I do hold a lot of traits usually applied to men, including the love of porn I suppose, but this does not change how I think at all. I'm open minded, can easily see the point of view of the man, and realise that porn is the easy answer when you just want to relieve some tension the simple way so to speak. All that said, it can be addictive and if it greatly affects a relationship, like anything, it's bad. But that's the same with loads of things - a huge love of sport for instance, can affect a relationship. A healthy balance has to be achieved, along with a healthy sex life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): There are so many female posters that i have seen all over this site, answering posts on porn etc. and they almost certainly type something like:-Get over yourself woman!! Its a control thing!You have too many insucurities!its a 'man thing!' Oh let him do it, its no big deal, his with you honey!Your ego has taking a kicking because his looking at another woman!Your the one with the problem not him, because its a man thing!!Women go to chick flicks all the time, watch romantic movies, fancy actors whats the differences its kind of the same!!Its no different to being on a beach!!Its a jealously thing!!Hang on a second ladies!! Allow each of the ladies out there to have their own opinions, no one woman is the same, not all women think it should be 'just a man thing'!!I totally beleive in freedom of choice, and i totally beleive both men and women should have an equal say to what is going on in their lives.If women were to watch male porn, and men were to walk in on her 'doing her thing'. At first.. i am more than sure the men would get a real kick out of it, because afterall its porn on their bed!!I am sure that would soon change over time, if their wives were to sit and watch Dale Dobone (porn star), then get another movie with Dale Dabone and still enjoy watching him doing 'his thing' while she is doing 'her thing'. And this go on all the time, him coming home and finding her masterbating over Dale Dabone.im sure then the man would feel a little inscure when his woman is getting more kicks out of the guy on the tv than she is her man!! He most certainly would want those aroused feelings she is getting from Dale Dabone, and after all his only human why wouldnt he want her doing all them things she is doing to him!!Women watch romantic movies, yes of course we love the chick flicks, but hang on a minute. You dont see us whacking one out while watching a Mel Gibson movie.Its our insurcurities, hmmm they just got knocked, by seeing your husband banging one out over a 20 year old girl on the tv!!Women are meant to feel good about that?Oh let him do it because its a MAN thing!! What does that mean exactly, that gives him a freerain because his a man. Oh please!!!Women get jealous, its a jealousy thing! Jealous? we are Jealous of not being a porn star? We are jealous that we cannot arrouse our men in that way? What part of jealous fits here, because a woman dont like their man watching porn they must be jealous, come on!!Its no different to being on a beach!! Errr helloooo what beach do you go to? Because i aint never seen a man giving it to a woman up the arse on the beach!! How does that even come close.You lot are crazy!! I can see why some women feel like they do, hence i have wrote the above.I personally couldnt give a care if my man watches his porn or not. But i certainly would never dismiss a fellow girlfriend for not having the same opinion as me!!There are too many women on this site who knock other women down for not having the same views as them.I thought us girls had to stick together, but when i come on here i see that the ones who are into all the sex stuff in put their pennies worth more than the ones who just dont understand it or get it, or who dont even know how to be like that! People are asking for help when they make posts not asking for others to blast their own morals on them, be a little bit more open minded, just because you dont mind it doesnt mean it should be ok for them. Give advice on how to deal with it, dont tell them to get over it!!I am comfortable with my man doing what ever pleases him, id rather him pleasure himself in front of me, but if he feels the need then hay go for it babe, im not going to stop him.But i certainly will never dimiss another lady who hates it, who cant deal with it who does feel betrayed who is feeling like she has something missing because her man is looking else where.Men dont have the god given right on everything US WOMEN DO HAHAHA Jokes!!I know this post in particular doesnt have most of what i have said already,but if you sit and read through all the posts you will understand why i have said the above.I guess my point is, that women and men all over this site are crying out asking how to deal with a situation when it comes to porn and other stuff. Lets take a step back and not imput our beliefs and try and be a little bit more understanding to those that dont get it!!Ok steps down from the soap box ...... NEXT !!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you all for being so open.
Question: Other than porn not being an issue if it doesn't interfere with a couple's sex life, which other male points do you mean?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Sorry to tell you 'blatant disregard' (very appropriate name btw) but people emotions are more important thatn a DesireTo get off. It's called a a want (orgasm) versus a need( respect) . Mens desire to use porn infringes on women. If a man thinks a woman sharing her nakedness with him means so little that he will just take it whereever it's available, onuding from comlplete strangers then if course a woman is made to feel less special, the bottom line is the op asked to know the reasons , many women offered their own, ultimately Women are the only ones who can say how they feel .....men can assume but never really know. We as a society don't need to be told how most men feel about porn, that obvious. It's everywhere we look. So instead of trying to second guess women or turn it around by invalidating them why don't you try just hearing what they say. No one is forcing you to be with a woman whovfeels that way just as noone forces me to be with a man who puts porn above my emotional wellbeing, but maturity insists that you learn to stop ngatibg what many women feel to be very valid reasons.
...............................
A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (12 October 2009):
 Anonymous, I took the liberty of rewriting your post to show how easily it goes both ways.
"The fact that several men have posted their feelings here, yet women still insist on ignoring the equally valid points the men make just shows how self absorbed many woman are. Women are basically intrinsically selfish creatures who put their own insecurities above a man’s needs. I think most men realize the effect this can have on a relationship. No wonder many men need porn."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): The fact that several women have posted their reasons here yet men still insist on ignoring the very valid points the women make just shows how self absorbed many men are. Men are bbasically instrinsicallu selfish creatures who out their orgasm above womens feelings. I think most women know this and realise the effect this can have on reationships. No wonder many women hate porn.
...............................
A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (11 October 2009):
I think many women want their men to be happy, but only when that happiness comes directly from them. Simple as that. The fact that a man can find enjoyment in anything outside of her makes her feel insecure and powerless.
Most of the men I know who use porn are married. There’s gotta be a reason for that.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (11 October 2009):
Porn can lead to sexual addiction issues and can destroy relationships and lives. Porn makes "real" women feel bad about themselves and their beautiful bodies. Porn is addictive. I think that it is hurtful to women to know their men are watching porn and not making a big fuss over their woman instead. It is bad for a relationship if it gets out of hand....
...............................
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Like lethalinjection says, if it doesn't interfere with the relationship in the sense that he is becoming consumed and anti social, then there should be no issue.
Really there are a lot of reasons that women use to be angry at porn. It all comes down to the womans insecurity and need for control really. In every single case on this forum the issue with porn is that he is getting aroused by something that is not her. If she feels it should be her and her alone that he should be working with she would naturally feel threatened. She pretty much has no control over his arousal and thus fears his infedelity. Worse is that because she feels so threatened and needs control she will actually convince herself he IS cheating on her because sex should only be between them and he is watching sex between other people.
Again, loss of control and insecure that she cannot compete. This is of course an oversimplification as well. There are social factors too like religious beliefs, political ideologies and social stigmas. All those things play a part. I mean if you are a girl and you grow up around people who constantly tell you sex is wrong outside of marriage and should only be an act between two people, you are going to get an anti porn woman. She is just going to find porn disgusting and definately would not want her partner endulging in it. But again thats all about control.
Also, Dr. John, like with anything you can take it too far. Like alcohol, sugar, junk food. Too much of anything is bad and if you start making it a compulsive anti social habit, ofcourse its bad but just for you. Because people get fat do we ban all fast food outlets? Or do we maybe just try to teach responsibility and moderation?
About 10% of the human have addictive personalities. Do we really ban the thing those people are addicted to and punish the responsible users? Or do we rehabilitate and help the 10%? Sometimes I think people are too lazy to deal with addicts and think they are worthless and so, under the guise of protection, try and ban everything. When they do that you are actually not letting the person live and constricting freedoms. Controling much?
HonningKanin
...............................
A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (11 October 2009):
A lot of women just feel inescure at the thought of their guys watching porn, even if it doesn't interfere with their sex life. She doesn't know what you're thinking about, her or the women you looked at in the porn you watched earlier. That bit of doubt can mess with a girl.
Porn is just a bit more in your face than past sexual partners.
I personally would be more worried about large numbers of sexual partners, but everyone is different.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): These questions are highly linked to cultural differences, one societies standard might be considered extreme in another.
Contrary to many feminist theories raised in the 70's there has never been any conclusive studies to to support a correlation between porn use and rape - as an example.
Interestingly enough societies with a higher level of equality between the sexes are more accepting of pornography. Take for instance Scandinavia (Sweden, Denmark and Norway) they have the highest level of equality between men and women in the world - they also have a very accepting attitude towards both pornography and multiple partners. Strangely enough these countries also have the lowest level of STDs seen anywhere - officials attribute this to the high level of sexual education present in the school, it is a mandatory course for all middle and high-school students.
Personally I believe that porn is not an issue in a relationship unless it either effects the woman's sense of self esteem or causes an addiction in the man preventing his normal activities during the day.
My fiancé and I have an incredible sexlife and it does not bother me at all that he watches porn on a regular basis (I have a vibrator named Mr Big that comes out equally regular basis!). Nor does the fact that we both have had a number of sexual partners prior to this relationship effect how we feel about each other, in fact I'm rather pleased about it as he's a much better lover for it!
...............................
A
male
reader, big ron + ♥, writes (11 October 2009):
 i suppose it`s only a big issue if he`s using it and not being intimate with you. i used to live with a couple where the boyfriend would wack off to porn every night, and didn`t sleep with her, or even touch her for months. he was using it and avoiding intimacy with her. she ended up coming on to me in the end...but that`s another story. if it`s interfering with your sex life, it`s a problem. if it`s not...it`s a problem in waiting. good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): Well I as a woman who hates her husband watching porn can tell you why I feel this way. When we met and I was younger I looked much likethe women in porn. After 20 year and three kids my body has changed. I'm healthy and fit but have natural sags and scars that come from having babies. As a women it feels like a real kick in the teeth when I give so much to bring Our children into the world yet he is still getting off to 20 year oldsters who have obviously never carried child. It's pretty much saying 'this is the ideal and your no longer it because you had our children' it feels like complete disrespect and a complete invalidation of me as a woman and our life together
Womens bodies go through many more changes than mens in a lifetime, yet men insist on celebration only one type of female body ie no scars or sags , this is a stage most women are only in for a very short time. Of course there amteur porn but the vast majority of women in porn don't look like theaverage wife or mother. As men never experience the huge changes women go through only to have their partner getting off to someone else I feel most will never understand. It's hard enough for most of us to accept the stretch marks and droopy breats without our partners sending us the message that a prebBy body is worth him seeking out, can you even imagine how that feels?
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Many don't realize the dangers in pornography. Check out the links. I think it will be an eye opener for you. Doc
http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/11/65772
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20030722/article_03.htm
http://www.angelfire.com/art/antipornography/facts.html
http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2002/mar/02031203.html
...............................
A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x + ♥, writes (11 October 2009):
Personally, I don't see porn as an issue at all, unless of course they're looking at it for hours every day, completely ignoring their spouse and only having fun with the computer.
...............................
|
