A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I did it. I have finally confronted my husband to let him know how unhappy I am in our marriage. We argue about silly things. Mainly most recently due to our toddler growing up and how different we deal with her been corrected. For a long time when we have a disagreement or argument he gets hot headed and I always feel he shouts me down. He says he does it without realising it and now I'm beginning to see it when it comes to disciplining our daughter. I don't want her brought up in such a hostile environment. Things haven't been good. There is no emotion and I'm at a stage where I feel I cannot talk to him. I have noticed when I do try to voice it or talk about it, like even now there are a lot of 'I's. But don't I have a right to express my worries etc? Then there's the trust issue that goes way back. I have tried and tried so hard to put it behind me. He was basically sexting another girl: he swore on his moms grave that it was only texting- nothing physical. This was 2 years ago and our daughter was only 9 months old. I ended it for about a month but he begged me back. I told him he needed to prove himself to me. But now he continues to have very close bonds with females. I think I have every right to worry about these bonds- given his history with how friendships through messaging have ended up. I would like to add, any of these female friends- I have never met any of these. They are work colleagues so I have never really had reason to meet them. Am I psychotic and need to cop on or am I right to tell him that I feel we have nothing to fight for? I am torn apart inside and it gets me down. When I say I feel it is loveless and I feel neglected, he argues back that he feels the exact same that I don't show him love. How can I show him love when I have no confidence and feel so insecure? Now I don't know where we stand. Should we end it rather than try save it for the sake of our daughter
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male
reader, BE125  +, writes (16 September 2015):
I understand your situation and I'll tell you in full disclosure I've never been married, however I know many couples who have been married 50 years plus so I will repeat to you what they have told me. You mentioned fighting a lot. That seems to indicate one or both of you are carrying around anger at each other. Is there a way you can identify what anger might be present and why? Maybe that's step 1. Step 2 is where the marriage veterans come in . :) those I know who e been married a half century tell me one thing constantly. Neither person can be the boss. There is no I - only a "we" in marriage. You also mentioned the issue of loveless-ness. My questions for you to ponder are - what made you accept his proposal to marry you to begin with? How do you remember feeling at that point? The next thing is probably the most important. When you accepted his proposal to get married, you imply you were in love. Most people who get married get married because they say they are in love. What is your definition of love? How do you put love into words? How do you know whether you are in love or not? I have some answers for these questions but I would like to get your response first and then I can share more about the definition of love. Take care.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 I think this is a case for professional counselling. If you can't get him to go with you go on your own. You will have someone in your corner who has an overview. It can be hard to make sense of these situations when so much is at stake and so much emotion involved.
If you can't find someone yourself your GP might be able to direct you to a good counsellor. I think Relate operates in Ireland.
You don't have to do this on your own.
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