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Should my Mom and I continue to share the same boyfriend?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Dating, Family, Health, Sex, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 May 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2017)
A female South Africa age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My mom A fell pregnant at 15 and dropped out of school.

She later completed her matric and qualified as a nurse.

While my mother was studying my grandparents cared for me. My mother did not neglect me but regretted that she could not give me all the attention she wanted to. in spite of the problems she ensured that I had a good education.

My father disappeared when he learnt that my mother was pregnant. I never knew my father and my mom never married and as far as I know had another relationship.

I am 20 now and at university. My mom has youthful looks and people take us to be sisters. Last year I met this guy, S and fell in love with him.

He is 26 and we have been having sex at least five times a week. S uses a condom when we have sex.

I introduced S to my mom and she immediately took a liking to him and became good friends.

In January this year my mother told me that she wants me to share S with her. I asked my mom what she meant and she told that she wanted S to have sex with.

I was taken aback but since I love my mom and will do anything for her I agreed

S was reluctant at first but relented and since then my mom and I have sex with S regularly.

My mom and I have sex with S in each others presence. My mom and I find it exciting to watch S having sex with us.

My question is "Should my mom and I continue having sex with him, and if so for how long?

Both my mom and I are quite comfortable that S has sex with both of us.

View related questions: condom, fell in love, university

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A male reader, Mightyvoltron88 United States +, writes (17 November 2017):

I literally made this account right now just to answer this question. Everyone is throwing generic opposing opinions at you from a stand point in which they cannot truly understand because they've never personally known a similar situation. It's irritating to me because I have know of more than one occasion with almost the exact same circumstances. What I can tell you is that from what you've described is that you were reluctant at first which is normal but started to enjoy it in your own way. I don't agree with your mom initiating it but believe it or not, it's not uncommon.

The point you may have come to now may be that you're unsure of how far it will go or where it will end and beneath it all is making you unknowingly start to question things. The scenarios I've witnessed and once been a part of had some likeness where one person's thoughts started leaning towards the social norms. Also from what I've seen and heard that is when you need to sit down with your mom and have a serious conversation about how you feel about everything and figure exactly what this is to the both of you and how to move forward with whatever needs to be done to keep everyone on a good page. No matter what your conclusion, wether it be a discontinuation or to continue, that all three of you can get on board and carry out said decision with absolute certainty and commitment.

If you want to dm for any advice on questions about what I did or my close friends, feel free to do so. If you can dm on this site.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015):

I think it might be a good idea for you to totally redefine your relationship with your mum.It is beyond the boundary for your mum to want sex with your boyfriend. Thank goodness she didnt bring you up or God only knows where you would end up.She is a useless mum and a useless friend and you should not do anything for her. You must make your own judgement calls in future or you will end up in jail because mum told you to do it. Head away from this person and have the pleasure of knowing your life is your own.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (7 May 2015):

YouWish agony auntIs this for real?!?

In each other's presence?!? Uhh.

This has all sorts of wrong attached to it, borderline incestuous-feeling. But, you've already made your decisions about it, so continue until you don't feel like it anymore??

My question to YOU is - you describe this situation as if you've been happy with it all along, yet then you ask the question. Why question what you're happy with, unless you're not happy with it and haven't told us why you're not.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 May 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntTor a really bad porn flick.....The situation is not a "healthy" one. You need to find a gracious exit and take it. i can't see any gooat can come from this.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (6 May 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIf the three of you were to be shipped off to an island, then yes you can continue sharing for as long as you want. We live in societies with rules and appropriate manners to follow. What you are doing is frowned upon and I bet the only people you are telling about this is strangers online. You may not have a dad but you surely would not let your grandparents know about this. What you are doing is a taboo and you are enjoying it as long as nobody knows about it. S would probably want to get married and have a family too. He can't marry both of you so to avoid this mess he would probably leave both of you alone. I don't think anyone is in love with anyone here. just in lust. Your mom wants to create the bond she never had with you, and the common thing you have, unfortunately is the guy S. You should do something else with her like shopping and travelling. She may not feel like your mom, give you useful advice about life but at least she shouldn't do anything that's yucky.

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A female reader, LiveAnnLearn Serbia +, writes (6 May 2015):

LiveAnnLearn agony auntIt's an unusual situation, but if it works for all parties involved why not continue enjoying yourselves. The only thing I don't like about everything you wrote is "Last year I met this guy, S and fell in love with him. (...) I was taken aback but since I love my mom and will do anything for her I agreed".

So I'm glad that sexually you enjoy what's going on, but how about emotionally? Are you still in love with him and do you mind sharing him?

If you're not in love with him, do you feel like having sex with him is stopping you from finding someone you could have a more meaningful relationship with?

All those questions should be asked about your mum and her angle as well. Sex works great apparently, but are you both honestly ok with how you're feeling about it? And could it jeopardize your relationship with her if he leaves you both, leaves only one of you, doesn't leave and you both fall for him even more?

Being that you posted this question, I'd say you do have some doubts. I think you're the only one who can answer all those questions I wrote, and some more probably, and when you do it will help you make the right choice for yourself in the future.

I would also like to add, you're a great daughter, but I'm a bit frustrated with what your mum did, and it doesn't seem to me like she took your feelings into consideration while doing it.

Maybe, while making your decision, you should remember that as well. Good luck!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (6 May 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntAnd here I thought I had heard it all!!

Seriously...are you even aware of the repercussions of your actions? Where is all this even leading to? You and your own mother are having SEX with the same man and that too in each others presence...really...I've never heard of something more convoluted!!

STOP this Right Now!! Do you have ANY idea how much this will have messed with your head? That this might leave an indelible mark and make you incapable of ever having a normal relationship in the future and the one person in the world whom you could have actually turned to (your mother) is part of something this unspeakable?!

You love your mom...great...but there are other ways of showing love and this is NOT one of them!

Are you studying? Or working? Whatever it is, get out of this mess right now...away from S and your mom. Try to make a fresh start because inevitably all three of you will get hurt. No one can ever come out of this feeling happy. Even if either you or your mom eventually get married to S, will it ever be a happy relationship? He will either be your step-father or her son-in-law! Will you be able to accept him as your step-father? What will the relationship be like then? You'll go on to have a new boyfriend knowing that you and your mom will have shared the same guy and every time you come back home, you'll see your mom and S.

If you marry S, you will forever have to live with the fact that your mom has had sex with him too and there's no stopping what has already started. She might want it even if he's married to you. What then? Or even if she doesn't, you cant undo whats already done.

OP I just cant seem to think of a worse scenario and I genuinely feel bad for you for the fact that your own mother has put you in a situation like this. While you might find the situation and the sex enjoyable, you have no clue of how horrendous the situation actually is.

Please get out of it. Go far far away from all this. You will always regret if you don't.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (6 May 2015):

Abella agony auntHow will you handle things when one of you starts to feel jealous of the other or one of you wants him exclusively?

Your Mother coveted what you had and felt envious. What she did next was that she over-stepped the boundaries too far, by asking this of you. Instead she should have dealt with her own envy and jealousy of what you had found.

I think your mother should not compete for affection with the man who was originally just your boyfriend.

If he starts to find it too much he may walk out on both of you. Then you may both feel saddened at the same time.

No matter how protective you feel towards your mother and no matter what demands your mother makes, it is still perfectly acceptable to say "No" to your mother.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (6 May 2015):

eyeswideopen agony auntAhh The Three Billy Goats Gruff! Who's that trip trappin' across my bridge!

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