A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up in the end of October. We were arguing a lot. He says I'm too aggressive. As a native New Yorker I do have an edge. He's from the country with a very carefree laid back attitude. Our lease was up in December. We decided to break up instead of renewing and being stuck in a new lease for another year. We had no contact for close to two months. We recently started talking again last week. We both miss each other and want to reconcile. But we're both afraid that we just don't work together.Our problem was traveling every weekend back to his home town which is 3.5 hours away. At first I would go with him but then it became too much. I felt like I didn't have a weekend to relax. We were always going. He rented his house out in June. So when we go we have to stay at his fathers house. His father is a lovely man and very sweet. But I didn't want to spend all my weekends at his Dad's house. So I stopped going with him. Which caused a huge rift between us.Now that we're apart he realizes that he could have stayed home more. And I realize I could have gone maybe twice a month instead of not going at all. So we agreed to not talk for the next two months just to gain perspective on reconciliation.He hates NY and is only here for work. He owns a home and other property in his hometown so he'll always go back frequently. He's a big winter sports guy and will definitely be gone during the winter every weekend. So basically I have to decide within the next two months if I want this lifestyle. And eventually move to his hometown in four years once his house is paid off. If we move then this issue is resolved. However four years of traveling every weekend is a bit much.He's a really great person. And this is our only issue. There was no infidelity, financial, drugs, alcohol or family issues. We both have no kids. He's a nice guy with morals and good values. But selfish at times. I'm also a nice person with morals and good values. But I'm a little more dominant. I've never been a submissive person. I speak my mind and I don't back down. I would like to be calmer and less argumentative. But for some reason I can't. We love each other and don't like being apart. But when we argue it gets ugly. This was the best relationship I've ever had. He's exactly what I want. However he's unwilling to compromise. And he says I'm the best relationship he's had but wishes that I was more submissive and less argumentative.Are we kidding ourselves? Can this relationship ever work? How can I be with someone who refuses to compromise? How can I walk away from someone who is 90% of everything I want? Should I submit and just go where he goes? Or should I let him go for good?Sorry for the lengthy post. Thanks in advance for your advice. :)
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 December 2015):
I can understand when he says he wishes you were more submissive. Sometimes the argument is wrapt in anger and emotions and the point is lost. At the same time, he should appreciate that you wont back down or learn to cope since it is a big part of who you are.
Indeed, a big part of marriage is compromise but the two of you aren't married. Besides geography, I think communication happens to big a part of living with someone especially for the long run in your case. You already have a solution for the distance, but what's up with the communication? It's rocky in arguments so where is the solution? That is something I would consider for the long run. Country guys sometimes tend to be overly certain about things sometimes. Hopefully, he isn't like that.
You both broke up due to communication issues. Don't expect things to be magically better even though you both made big decisions.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 December 2015):
 I agree that this is not a New York thing. You're assertive and that's good so don't change that. I've read quite a few articles from nurses, doctors and hospice workers that regret for not being true to oneself and not having spoken up enough were among the top regrets dying people have. Don't make them yours.
And if your boyfriend can be selfish then the last thing you need to be is submissive.
Personally, I think visiting his father even twice a month is unrealistic. Even if he lived 5 minutes away do you really want to spend every second weekend there? You're talking 7 hours round trip every two weeks. I think you'll find that is still WAY too much for you (it would be for me). It might not be for your boyfriend because he loves it out there and his father's home is 'his turf' so to speak. I don't see that working and you shouldn't be made miserable to make someone else happy.
Like Cindy says, you don't have to spend every weekend together.
Is living out in the country something you want? It's great if you do, but if you're not a country person it's not so great.
You and your boyfriend should not have to compromise what you need to be happy. And if you do, then I don't think either one of you will be happy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 December 2015):
 1. Are we kidding ourselves? You may be kidding yourself.... can't speak for him.
2. Can this relationship ever work? Could, depending on the answer to No 3.
3. How can I be with someone who refuses to compromise? Depends if, by "compromise", you expect to get your way more than 50% of the time.
4. How can I walk away from someone who is 90% of everything I want? 1% misery trumps 99% perfect.....every time.
5. Should I submit and just go where he goes? Or should I let him go for good? Return to No 3.... the answer will be found there.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2015):
 First of all,.. allow me please a short digression- don't blame New York ,lol. New York has got nothing to do with either of you being stubborn or having communications issues. As an ( ex ) adoptive New Yorker who spent there a good chunk of my life... I found out that the New York edge is mostly a myth, New Yorkers' bark is much worse than their actual bite. I found New Yorkers to be very civil, friendly,kind and generous . And incredibly community minded ( surprising how high it is the percentage of people involved in volunteer work , or regularly donating to charities ) They respond promptly to warmth, openness and respect- of course, though, obviously if you try to step on their toes , to get too cocky with them, or to pull a fast one on them... they'll hit right back. But... isn't this just how things are supposed to be ? ....
Anyways- haven't you mentioned already in your post the solution to your quandary ?... Yes, of course it's tiresome for you commuting every weekend- he does it because he has the triple lure of getting away from NY , which he hates (... and , if it was me, I would not date him just for that, lol ), of practicing winter sports and of seeing his father. All things that hold no attraction for you, so for you it's just a drag.
But then, who says that you MUST spent all weekends together ? You aren't teenagers which can't coinceve couple life unless is joined-at-the-hips fusional. You could follow him alternate weekends and use those on your own for some needed and deserved " me time ". After all, you are in NY, not in the middle of Mongolia- you sure don't risk being bored even if you have absolutely no other friends or company than your bf ( which I hope is not the case ). Then , talking about compromise,.. perhaps you could try and stretch to have him spend one weekend a month in the city with you. So, two weekends he goes home alone, one with you, and he skips one. This would be a fair compromise IMO, I don't know if he'd do it, but somehow I feel that if he has been so adamant and uncompromising it has been in response to an either/ or , black -or-White stance from you. To the point you felt you needed to break up over something which , discussed calmly as mature adults CAN be easily worked out..... as you have found out after breaking up .
In your shoes, I'd be much more concerned about relocating to the boondocks, ahem, pardon me, to his town in 4 years, but, if you are quite OK with that... if this move won't penalize you heavily in terms of income, career, quality of life,.... it sort of makes sense. Since he positively hates living in New York... but you don't positively hate living in his town and you could see yourself being reasonably happy there too...then it should all work out fine.
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