A
female
age
22-25,
daisyb212
writes:my partner has a 9 yr old girl. he split with the mother 7 years ago, bout a month ago the little girl came to live with us permanantly as the mother said she couldn't cope! anyway its fine (i have benn with my bf 10 months)the mother lives about an hour away, anyway she won't come here to visit or pick up her daughter because of me, yesterday she texted my bf and said 'i'm coming up tonite to see the little girl and there better be nobody in that f*****g house except u and the little girl' so when she knew i was there (i live here) she wouldn't come! my bf said he would never ask me to leave or go out because of the mother! surely the mothers priority is to see her little girl, if she doesn't want to see me she could take her out, go to the pics or dinner or whatever! now i'm just wondering if i should just go out or leave so the little girl can see her mum!!! i have never met or spoken to the mother and we have no reason to fall out, i think she just hates me because i'm with my bf and she still has feelings for him! but why can't she grow up a bit and accept me for her daughters sake! its me who is putting her to bed, making her lunch, ironing and washing her clothes, making her dinner etc etc, does that mean nothing to the mother? i just don't understand whats goin through her head!!!
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi there Daisyb212. It seems the Mum still has feelings for your man. I don't think she should be blamed for having feelings - she just has. On the other hand she should understand that life goes on - and she shouldn't allow her feelings to justify rude and dictating behaviour. In addition, she has to understand that it is your home and you should not be expected to disappear just to protect her feelings. Presumably the Mum has some underlying problem of some sort which is why she cannot cope with looking after the daughter.
What the mother has to do, is the same as many others, mainly fathers, have to do, which is in order to see their children they have to go and pick them up and either take them somehwere or take them back to their house. It is not a nice feeling for the parent that has to do this. But presumably your boyfriend had to do this previously when his daughter was living at the mothers.
My own opinion for you is that you should not have to leave your home at all. It is the Mum's choice to come in or not assuming she has been invited. However, you may prefer to be doing something in another room rather than risk some sort of scene. If she does decide to come in - you just need be cool and calm. You sound as if you're dealing with the whole thing quite sensibly anyway - just in need of some confirmation. Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): No certainly not - don't you dare leave YOUR house where you live with your boyfriend just because she doesnt' want you there when she visits!!!
What right has she to tell you to get out of your house when she's coming to visit her own child - when both you and your partner are looking after for her?? I mean she is the one who said she couldn't cope with her??
No stand firm on this one - if you do it once she will expect it every time she visits!!! I also agree with Irish about been gracious and classy too! Don't lower yourself to her level of mind games!
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (31 October 2007):
 No, you don't leave. This is your home that you share with your bf and this little girl. The ex wife has no right to insist that you leave, so she can visit with her daughter. Plainly, she just wants to makes life difficult for you, as many ex-wives/gf's do. This is her own selfish agenda and it's pathetic she has to attempt to put all of you through such an emotional work out simply because she can't deal with her own petty jealousies and guilt. So do you leave so she can visit with her daughter. I say no..you stay, you remain in the house, you welcome her to your home, you be classy, gracious and if I were you, I wouldn't give a rat's ass what she thinks. Your bf should tell his ex, that under no circumstances--will you be forced to leave your own home and then he puts the ball in her court, as to whether she wants to visit at the home or he can take the daughter somewhere, to meet her Mother for a visit. But the ex should make the decision to be mature and adult enough, to put her own feelings aside for the betterment of the child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Hi there, In most situations like this i would say yes to you leaving to give them space but from what you've said it sounds like the ex is in the wrong.
First things first, it sounds like shes a really selfish person. If her priority was her daughter and spending time with her then you wouldn't even enter the equation. Like you said there are plenty of things they can do together outside of being at yours dinner, cinema, park etc etc so why would it bother her so much if your at the house or not - afterall you live there its your home and she is a guest!
I think she may be trying to make herself out to be a victim and you the evil 'stepmum' who won't let you spend quality time with her little girl - don't fall for it and don't let her push you out of your own home!
She has to get used to the fact that your there and - well - if that means she doesn't see her little girl then maybe thats for the best all round!
All i cansay is continue to be a good partner and role model and leave the ex to dwell on her own self pity!
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi
Try not to take this too much to heart it maybe that its not even about you, she is probably feeling a bit jelous & low you have the family life that she once had.
I don't think it is very fair that you are expected to leave your own house when she visits however it may be a good idea for the time being and to keep the peace,
Why not just sit down & talk to her see if between you, you can sort a mutual agreement or something you never know you may even end up friends!!
Take care x
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