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Should I try to track this woman down?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 February 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2019)
A male United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi, I'm a 32 year old man, I have gotten out of a long term relationship about 6 months ago, which lasted 10 years and a 3 year relationship prior to that. Anyway last night I met a woman that I got on with quite well and ended up kissing her. But I didn't get any contact details and I only know her first name. My question is do I try and find her or do I just let it go.

Also as I haven't completely gotten over the ex I feel guilty about the kiss

View related questions: kissing

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

just to let you know I intend for the kids to live with me as I am alot more stable than she is. I do almost everything for them too. She intends to have them on weekends and should she not keep to her work then ill start the legal proceedings.

Thank you again you have put clarity on the situation ?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntWell, your ex can be mad all she wants, you REALLY didn't DO anything wrong.

But, as it turns out it might have motivated her to move out and move on, which overall will be better for ALL of you, her, you and the kids.

And who knows, you might run into the woman again some day or someone better suited for you :)

Good luck. And reallllllly, don't feel bad or let your ex make you feel bad.

Chin up, and keep moving forward.

Also, MAKE darned sure that you make the custody agreement and visitation plans LEGAL and LEGALLY binding. If she gets mad that you kissed someone, she might make thing difficult at some point. Which isn't fair on your or the kids.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry its taken a while to get back, it's been manic since I've gotten back from Manchester,

I completely see your point honey pie. I never intend for the kids to meet another woman untill I know it's serious. I have a friend who introduces a new woman to his son every few months and that liitle lad is messed up.

An update on the home situation I have told my ex about the kiss and she made me out to be the enemy (I have no idea why) but she is now looking for places to live so maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

The friend ship shelf as you put it would be a cruel thing and I have actually stopped trying to find her now. Though I really would have like to know her properly she seemed really cool

But thanks for the advice

Dear cupid saves me again ??

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntMost women who kisses a guy on a night out, is not looking for a friend.

I get that you would like female company (other than your ex) but it sounds more like you would like to get to know her and basically put her on a "friendship shelf" until you are ready to date again, not really fair...

You aren't exactly looking for friendship. People don't snog their friends, right?

Yes, sort out the home situation, get a routine going for when she has moved out. And get OVER the ex. Doesn't mean you two can't be civil - that would be best for the kids.

Not many women would want to date or even befriend a guy who has his ex living with him. It's just to darn complicated and can make everything a clusterfuck, for her, for you, the ex and the kids.

When I say Have something to offer, I mean it besides your nice personality, you sense of humor, your hardworking attitude etc. etc.

You can't really offer a new lady love or lady "friend" to take her home when the ex is there. You have commitments to that EX still (since she is living with you) and to your kids. So SORT your house! Get a nice routine going (if your ex will have the kids on weekends or certain weekends, you are OVER the ex, and you are FREE to get to know a new person then go for it.)

Just don't INTRODUCE the new woman to your kids until you are BOTH sure you want something long term. The kids don't need that on top of having their mom move out and you two split up.

THAT is what I mean with something to offer. Otherwise you are just "offering" some chaos to a new person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honey pie, that's just it. I feel I have loads to offer someone and the problem with the ex living at home is us trying to stay neutral for the children.

I think the main reason I'm wanting to contact her is to see if a friendship could be created because she did seem genuinely nice. Albeit very attractive too ??. But I know I'm not ready for somone else yet.

However I'm at the point of admitting defeat. I know I can't use a name here but it's not a popular name nor is it an obscure one so it's difficult to find. All I know is she told me she visits the venue often. No I'm not going to sit outside untill I find her that is just creepy lol

Thank you for the advice about sorting home life it is something that needs done

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019):

You know... men are so eager to receive the slightest affection given. I think that's where the trouble is. This woman you met appears suggestive to a kiss and you eagerly jump into it without any thought. Why can't you guys THINK.. take a step BACK AND THINK before taking action?

You clearly don't have a clean cut with your ex because she is still living with you. You CANNOT offer this woman you've kiss anything yet. So why kiss her? She may be very open minded and think nothing of it.. but this action can also lead her to over think and have expectations which you cannot fulfill as of yet.

DO NOT track her down. Clean up your mess. Take some time to be by yourself. If fate has it that you meet her again, THEN at that time ask her out like a gentleman should.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntGood Lord, if your EX is still living with you... then I'll give you an even bigger no to start looking for a new lady love.

HAVE something to OFFER a woman before you start pursuing them. And if you are on good terms with your ex, then KEEP it that way and get her out asap.

It's not stalking to be curious as to whom you put your lips on. But if you keep looking for her when you have nothing to offer and really not wanting anything, then yeah, stop that.

FOCUS on getting your OWN house/life in order.

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A female reader, ClairM United Kingdom + , writes (10 February 2019):

If you haven't got over your ex there is little point in trying to pursue this lady. I am also guessing if you liked each other enough you would have asked each other for numbers or last names to make contact on social media.

You are on the road to getting over your ex but until you know for sure you have moved on i wouldn't be trying to meet someone else with the view to another relationship...

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 February 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhat do you have to offer this woman if you are still hung up on your ex? A bit of flirting and kissing is one thing, a relationship is quite something else.

Don't waste her time and yours. There will be other women WHEN YOU ARE READY. The timing is all wrong with this one. Work on getting over your ex. They say that, on average getting over someone takes a month for every year you were together. Give it a bit more time so that you don't have any feelings of guilt when you eventually meet someone else.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I forgot to add, she is still living at home with me and the kids till she finds her own place. We are still friends. And when she moves out I'll be taking full responsibility for the children.

I'd agree that I should maybe not track her down as I'm not emotionally ready to persue another woman and I've convinced myself it's borderline stalker behaviour now.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntNope.

Why do I say that?

You aren't over your ex. So chasing after this new women isn't fair on HER as you aren't really ready to be anything to her, not even casually as you felt guilty over a kiss.

Work on moving forward. Make improvement to YOURSELF that you would like to make and take your time in getting over the ex.

Jumping back into dating is not something you should do to try and "forget" the ex, but because you WANT to start a relationship with someone again.

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