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Should I try to make it work with my husband or should I finally leave and start a new life?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been married for 4 years, and I have a 3 yr old son with my husband. He is a great, amazing, cute, hardworking man. About a year and half ago i started seeing this other guy, started off as a little adventure, but became very serious, and now he is and im crazy in love! Anyway ive felt guilty many times, and try to stop seeing him, but i always keep coming back to him.

About 6 months ago i told my husband that i have cheated, he decided to stay, though i really thought he would leave, he stayed. However we havent been able to make our relationship work, he has become violent, and a very different man, he doesnt accept my personality, but i know he loves me, and i do love him still in a way. Our lasts fights he almost hit me, and i became very afraid. I do still see the other guy ocassionally, and he wants to be able to date me, and he want us to be serious, he accepts my son, hes a sweetheart, and he's also a great guy.

I'm very attracted to my husband, i do think we could be happy, but i cant take the other guy out of my head, when im with him im so happy, so free!! So me! and our sexual chemistry is incredible! I am very confused, and i am afraid that if i dont make a choice i'll loose them both soon! Who do i choose!? Should I try to make it work with my husband or should I finally leave and start a new life?

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (12 March 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntI think you got married too soon. I'm not saying this as an insult, but you are not mature enough to be in a stable, monogamous relationship; you started cheating 2.5 yrs into your marriage. You still want to go out and have fun, which is age-appropriate behavior--but there are certain aspects of of your life that have to change now that you are a wife and a mother.

I agree with Janniepeg; do some soul-searching and ask yourself what it means to be married and whether or not you are truly ready to live up to that commitment.

BTW, the other guy is nice and respectful to your son because he doesn't have to be around him day-in and day-out and because he's trying to get with you. The real test of his character is how he acts when your son is throwing a tantrum or misbehaving.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

I'm always struck by my husband is cute ans amazing but I still cheated on him? You want to make the relationship work but you're still seeing the other guy..how does that work..you tell your husband you are cheating, so automatically there goes the trust, everytime you were out he wonders if you cheated then sad thing is everytime you are now out you probably are, so how does that work? You cheated now you've found love and now you want people to validate it by telling you to ride off into the sunset with this other guy? Leave your husband for a man willing to cheat with a married woman, I guess stability is no substitute for "adventure"

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A female reader, undecided79 United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

i was in a similar situation. except my husband gave up to soon, and now i maybe lost him forever, and i never thought i would. your family comes first and your son is to young to understand. the other guy is not worth breaking up your family. if you really want to leave you husband dont leave for someone else leave him to be single. and enjoy being single.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (11 March 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntYou should work it out with your husband to mend your marriage. Give all your best and if you are still unhappy, you may have to go for the other alternative.

Give him more time and space to deal with the after effects.

You will need to refocus back on him and your marriage.

Sometimes , those things happens and it is difficult to pin point the reasons. It has happened and that's all to it. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your answers, I know I am being selfish but firs of all, to those of you who say im not thinking about my son, I am, and if i end it with my husband i want it to be in good terms for my son, hes the world to me. My husband is a good dad, but also has gotten really agressive with my son, and i believe hes a bit to strict, the new guy however treats him very respectful and my son likes him a lot, ofcourse he only knows were friends.

The reason why i cheated well i dunno, theres no reason, i cant excuse myself. But my husband started to not give me attention, im really fun person and outgoing, he started not wanting to go out, i could practically walk in front of him naked, or sexy and he would be like OH! YOU KNOW U LOOK PRETTY...SO STOP MODELING. Stuff like that really hurted me, and he also has left me practically without friends for being so possesive, at first with no reason at all!

Thanks all of you for taking the time to answer my question and for all the advice.

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A male reader, DeadEyeDick United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

DeadEyeDick agony auntGod do I need to even answer this, your selfish, and not worth your husbands heartache he's certainly feeling, if I was him, id take my kid and go find someone with some class and a conscience! you need help! or to grow up, one of the two!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (11 March 2010):

janniepeg agony auntI think you should realize what went wrong that made you want to cheat, start a new life and not look back. At the same time be realistic about what kind of relationship you are really having with the new guy. If it's the second choice you are having, you should be focusing on separating, divorce, child custody, child support, moving, etc. All those messy stuff before you could think about the honey moon with your new guy. Whether you are financially able or not, you don't want to stick with your husband feeling that you are obligated, and need to make it up for him for the rest of your life.

Before making any decisions I really think you need to do some soul searching and reflection on your marriage, so you can come up to your own conclusions and bring closure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010):

i think that ur being very selfish because no man is going to love ur son more then his dad. This isnt just about u anymore u have a family now and ur son deserves his dad not some man that is trying to act like his dad. Im shocked that ur husband still loves u because u didnt just betray him u betrayed ur family. Its not all about u anymore ur son should be ur main concern not some stupid puppy love phase ur going through. Think about ur sons needs not just ur own. Ur not 15 to be confused like a little school girl ur a married woman u need to grow up

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A female reader, hunnie poo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (11 March 2010):

i think if u husband is being a great husband and a great daddy u should try and make thing work as far as i have seem ur husband really do loves u alot why would u wanna leave something u have and kno that it is good for u and ur son???? think about ur son and see if he will be happy without his daddy

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