A
male
age
41-50,
*esufnoc
writes:I am married for about a year and a half to a wonderful woman who I fell head over heels for marrying after only 10 months. There are some concerns that have surfaced that I really need advice about TRUST issues. Shortly after we got together, my wife told me about a five year affair she had with her married boss who was 20 years older. She explained they worked closely together for long hours, he had made it look very convincing like he was divorcing initially and before my wife knew it, their lives were intertwined personally, professionally, and even their hobbies and activities and vacations were TOGETHER. My wife had told me that the affair with this man (who was a co-worker of mine) had been over for some time prior to my meeting her. Well, things got VERY akward as the co-worker became upset toward me acting angry but refusing to discuss the situation? My wife at the time was still working for this man at anther job where they were required to work very long hours together and he began to make life very difficult for her at THAT job where they BOTH worked until....she reluctantly quit partly at my insistance because of how he was being towards her at their job and toward ME at my job where he also worked. My wife had said that the whole thing had been VERY out of character for her but she had been alone for a long time and had been misled that her boss was divorcing his wife. I believed her and as EVERYTHING was amazing in our relationship, we were married 10 months later. My problem is that after we were planning the last min details of our wedding, my wife confided that she had slept with somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 to 35 guys in her 26 years and that she "was not exactly faithful" to the married man she had been with stating "he was the married one" and he was "still sleeping with his wife" so she wasn't going to just wait around. My wife has later recanted this statement saying the "number" is incorrect of people she slept with and that "I misunderstood" what she had said and meant. I later found out her most "significant boyfriend" in high school was cheating on HIS girlfriend with my wife at THAT time through High School. Also, my wife's two best friends are a woman who is sleeping with her married boss and a woman who cheats on her husband with seemingly EVERY possible opportunity. I am bothered by the fact that my wife in the past has been a sounding board for these women about their affairs and even has been an alibi in the past. I am concerned about why my wife insists to constantly be on the phone and computer with these woman who have had so little regard for the institution of marriage and although my wife does not "go out" with these women, she seems nearly obsessed with texting, messanging, and talking to these women on the phone many times a day. Also what does my wife's affair for 5 years with an older married boss say about her respect for marriage? I thought I was ok with her explanation of how and why this ugly chapter in her life had occurred but now wonder if I was maybe misled about how my wife really was, thought, and felt about such things? Turns out also that she may have "hooked up" with the married guy while she was still with another EX (the father of her child and my step-daughter)??? I have talked to her about how I feel and she tells me she told me right before we were married that "she hadn't been perfect all her life" but that she loves me and will never give me reason to not trust her. My wife left her job fairly recently that she had previously loved but then suddenly had lots of reasons as to why she had to leave after her schedule changed (it had changed before) and she was all of a sudden much more concerned about the commute and child care logistics for her daughter. My wife ended up having to leave her job over a dispute between her boss and her while she was out on extended medical leave after surgery for her hand that she SUDDENLY needed to go to the Doctor about leading to surgery. While my wife was out of work she came up with seemingly endless reasons to be in the neighboring town all day where her parents live but also where her married EX lives and where her friends live that do not share my moral compass reading regarding marriage....she was gone all day often not returning until after supper time in the evening. When I would ask about this she would tell me she does not get to see her family enough and that it should not matter if she is home or at her family's all day. I think she seemed defensive about this when I asked. My question is, am I headed for disaster? Divorce? Should I trust my wife regarding these issues I have explained or am I dealing with a different type of person then I thought I was marrying? PS. She has cards, letters, and pictures from her married EX in the drawer next to our bed claiming she was hiding that stuff there so the WRONG person didn't find it (her daughter or my kids?) She didn't get rid of that stuff in the drawer until I brought it up three times and was very hurt and upset. Should I trust my otherwise wonderful wife who is my best friend and soulmate or listen to the frightening inconsistencies about her moral character?? Please give me advice this is my second marriage and I truly want it to work. I love her just I am worried about my understanding of her past behavior being different after we were getting married and what that really means about the future of our marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): "my wife's two best friends are a woman who is sleeping with her married boss and a woman who cheats on her husband with seemingly EVERY possible opportunity"
This is a big red flag.
As is the fact that your wife likes to have other men cheat with her.
Has she changed? Only she can answer that question...and she has to answer that question every day for the rest of her life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I would not trust her if I were you. Being together for only 10 months is not a whole lot of time to have known someone before jumping into marriage.
You said that your wife had already told you about the 5 year affair with her boss and the "30-35" guys she had been with, BEFORE you got married. And yet you married her.
Why were you so quick to get married to her, despite these things she told you? The inconsistencies in her moral character didn't bother you until now? I find that odd.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 From what you tell us, your wife has a high sex drive and was prone to jumping fences and disregarding boundaries. It seems she does not exactly object to being "the other woman". And she seems to run into problems every so often. So, yes, if I were to judge on the basis of her past, I wouldn't find her very reliable. Or, I would find her "prone to fail". If a man had this behavior, we all would say he's not exactly faithful.
That, in itself, wouldn't be so bad, if it were all you had. Yes, her inconsistencies would bother me. Obviously she had a good time with her boss for the affair to last five years. You hint you suspect she might have been sleeping with him while she was with you; but I doubt that. The other man would have fired her right away, and it was she who quit. Reluctantly. I would have trouble working for a previous lover if that man worked with my spouse, too. Something does not quite add up.
And then her absences are worrying. Yes, keep your eyes open. Don't be paranoid, but don't be taken for a ride, either. Give it time, and if she is into something, it will come out. I agree with C. Grant. Maybe you would do well in hiring an investigator.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I'm in a similar situation, so I can undestand how you feel. My GF was with 4 guys sexually before me. All but one were married. I too was married when I met her, and even though I was separated and now divorced, I was married nonetheless. When the whole Tiger Woods thing happened, she made some comment about.."well, if it was one mistress, I could maybe understand". In short, I have been a bit concerned about her tolerance of infidelity.All I can tell you is to realize people DO change. People DO make amends from mistakes. But here are some things about my GF that convince me she's true and honest... 1) she acknowledges these past relationships were mistakes and can cite very good reasons why. 2) We have talked about this past of hers several times, and she is not evasive or bitter...we analyze why our relationship is different, and better. 3) She shows no evidence to suggest anything is wrong with our relationship...on the contrary, it gets better every day.So I suggest talking about the behavior and trusting your gut. I don't like that she is irritated having to explain her whereabouts. You have a red flag that is predicated upon past behavior. I say you deserve to know whats up. Keep your eyes and ears open. Be smart. Good luck
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Do a role reversal and ask the same question from her point of view...the answer will be there.
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (13 December 2010):
My Grandfather after getting to know my Grandmother's close "questionable" family and how young and carefree with other boys she was, was also worried. He was sure an investigator would find something since she was spending a lot of time outside the house. The extra time she spent: She was privately working an extra job to give him a huge birthday party. They lived 30 very happy years together before he died.
The investigator is the right idea. If he finds nothing, then you'll be more than happy. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I would have to think that it would be easier for you to trust her absolutely if she'd been entirely candid with you before you were married. Having new revelations dribble out doesn't help.
You would think that, in such a new situation, she would be going out of her way to ensure her behaviour didn't raise any questions. But she's not, so you're left with circumstantial evidence. You sound like you genuinely want to trust her, but that you have valid concerns potentially standing in the say. So:
This is not something that I'd normally recommend, but you might consider hiring an investigator. He could let you know where she goes and who she sees when she's in the town where her ex lives. If his story and hers don't mesh, you begin to move beyond the circumstantial.
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