A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i am somewhat close to my ex boyfriend, and last night he called me from the place he just moved to, and told me that he had relapsed on heroin (he's been pretty much clean for 2 years minus one day-long relapse on heroin and coke)...he told me i was the only one he felt comfortable talking to about this. even worse, he was back to what he used to do-and once he starts he can't stop-he shoots up heroin and cocaine together-a very very dangerous practice. he is currently thousands of miles away from me in a motel. this morning, i don't even know if he's alive. it makes me sick.i don't know what to do in this situation. i've been through him getting drunk and taking prescrip drugs at the same time, but he just sounded so bad last night. i made him record part of our conversation last night so he could hear how he sounds when he's doing this to himself. i told him i don't think that i can talk to him until he's clean again...i don't know what else to do. my worse fear is that he will die alone in a hotel room at the young age of 25, even though for the most part, he's been trying to move on with his life and away from drugs. his family is used from past experiences with him, to him doing drugs. he's been in rehabs. he just moved back to his hometown after being gone for 2 years, and the past associations were too much. i know he's tired of running from his past and having to start over away from 'home,' so he wants to relapse near 'home' and then get better near 'home.' i find that he will do what he will do. once he's started with drugs, there's no way to stop or slow him down. i just tried to keep him company-by his request- on the phone last night because he sounded so scared. i'm also afraid if anything happens to him, everyone (especially his family), will blame me for it because from what i can tell, currently he and i talk to one another more than he talks to anyone else, and he tells me so much, and our breakup a few months ago was very chaotic. i know that is selfish to worry about this, but i feel like to be involved with him in any way (even when he's sober), is to be guilty (because when he's sober, it's everyone's fault but his own, regarding his own emotions). i don't know what to do. i don't even know if i should just let him go completely, and not even text him this morning just so i know he isn't dead.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (29 July 2009):
 Yeah, sadly the choices this ex bf has made in his behaviors is not within anyone's control but his. I say call the police, or 911, or the elusive brother, the parents...anyone... to let them know, he's in trouble. But do this and then take yourself out of 'his life for good'. I honestly think this is a case where you must lose a friend by reporting him to people who can help him, in order to save his life. Maybe this loss may be worth it, in order for him to realize he can no longer use you as a crutch. Maybe it's worth the loss for him to find the strength and will to save himself (if he's pulled through this recent setback). I think sometimes our issues of loyalties to friends over the greater good of allowing them to help themselves, is something we all, as humans, struggle with. It shows you have a heart..a good heart. So for you to do the 'right' thing here is not easy for you, but it saves your heartache and pain at trying ti beat your head against a brick wall here. Look after your self. If he's ok, anticipate some fallout. And don't be hard on yourself..you have done all you can. Now save your emotional health and break free here. Take care of 'you' and carry on into the future.
A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 only your ex can make the decision to become clean or not he needs to hit rock bottom in order to get help and to be honest without professional help he will kill himself and in all honesty it wouldnt be your fault your not in the relationship anymore and it shouldnt b your concern but as you said your the only one he can confide in,il ring or text to check he is ok and ask him to get some help because as much as you talk to him he wont sort himself out sometimes you have to be mean and cut him off so he has no one and will want to sort himself out
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi irish.
...these staggering postings...
i wrote another one after yours. it hasn't popped up yet, though. sorry if i'm being grumpy on here.
i have no idea where he is staying. i've tried to help him avoid death too much in the past (called police on him once when i was living in another state), and a few other things...i think he liked the attention. i don't feel like doing it any more. i know his parents care for and love him, but one parent from what he says usually screams at him and is just desensitized by his past. tired they are. if i find out something really bad is continuing (he'll have to communicate it to me, though), i might try to tell one of them, but have no true access to their contact info, and maybe he needs to just fall. he fell once last year to this for one day before i met him, and stopped. who knows...take care.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (29 July 2009):
Hi again...I just read your followup which wasn't posted yet, at the time I posted my answer. Just to respond to your followup, you do sound pretty strong, just having a tough time letting a friend in trouble...go. I do understand that. And you are so correct, he has to get himself, out of this. But I do think he needs help...right now, he's sunk so low that he could be of detriment to himself. Can you call 911 in his area, he is at or the medical emergency units to see if they can go check on him? That is an option. Sometimes this could be a good thing, as these folks may be able to get him the help he needs.
As for his parents and family, I know they seemingly don't care. But I do feel, whether or not your ex is an adult...the family should be contacted. Perhaps, leave that up to the medical personnel..they could give them a call.
I think you are being courageous to state, you don't want these calls to happen day after day after day. Ypu have a life and plainly..it seems you are trying to disenagage and get on with it. You are not his babysitter, he's an adult...all he can do now, is make the decision to get the help he needs. But allow the professionals to handle it. Let them know what you know...That is all you can do.
Good luck and keep us posted on how it all turns out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni don't know where he is. his family can't force him to do anything. i don't know his family. the anxiety of being around them is partly why he thinks he started up again, even if that isn't the most accurate reason. once before i warned his closest fam. member- a sibling of his, about a downward spiral he had in the past. his brother, who i could only find on the internet, brushed me off. i want my ex to feel his own pain. i'm not trying to protect him from anything at all. he didn't do drugs again because i still talk to him. i know it will make it less painful for him if i keep talking to him, and that is bad. that isn't even my question really. it is more just about following up on this by seeing if he's alive, or just wondering if his corpse is collecting flies in a hotel somewhere. i find drug use repellent, not a call from someone for me to go 'save' them. if i had known back then what i know now, i would never have dated him to begin with.
i'm not saying that i feel guilty in a personal sense, but that it seems his fam and him sometimes blame other people for their personal disasters and choices. i know it shouldn't matter, but to be honest it does. to be blamed because someone else broke something in anger, to be blamed because you were picked by another person to be near them in their potentially final moments...
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Send him a message explaining that you cant do this anymore and move on. I wish him the best of luck x
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female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (29 July 2009):
There is not much you can do in this situation, hun. This is not a time to think about who's at fault, nor who will be upset with you. As Emily suggests, he needs his family to intervene. Call them today and tell them of your deep concerns about their son's well-being. If you feel he is in mortal physical danger, they will have to move fast and get assistance to him, wherever he is located. If you know your ex bf's location then, please inform his family.
But let's talk about you and you feelings of 'guilt'. Guilt for what? You need to be really strong here, and give yourself permission to let go of these feelings. He's your ex bf for a reason. Addicts need 'enablers' to feel pity and sorrow for them. They feed off it. You are doing him no favors and you are angst riddled over this. You are giving him the ultimate anesthetic here by simple ensuring he doesn't feel bad. I understand your compassion, really I do. But it appears that your 'compassion' for this ex bf's problems, is doing him no good and it's causing you pain. He needs rehab, he needs medical and psychological intervention..now. Stop focusing on easing his pain. Please don't forget...he's needs that pain to motivate himself to get out of this addiction and it's necessary for him to get through. He needs to acknowlege that he is the perpertrator of the mess he's made in his life. That realization for him would be very upsetting. But it's that 'realization'that could force him to acknowlege and give him the power he needs to change.
A bit of tough love is required here from you. So stop contact to allow him to get there. He may be upset that you no longer will be his comfort and security, but it's not doing him any good, is it. He needs to make the final decision to stop drugs. And it's now up to his family to help him get there. Take yourself out of this, heal from the loss of him as a friend, recover and getout there in life and be the happiest person you can be. He is your past...and you need to find the strength to 'let go' and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe doesn't get along with his parents, according to him, especially one of them in particular (the dominant parent). i've never met them and have no way to get ahold of them. they have no say in his life-he doesn't listen to them about these things and at least in years, he is an adult...he hasn't lived with them for years and years. he's always been the one to check himself into rehab by his own will. i'm just afraid of this becoming a crap pattern where i have to hear him practically killing himself over the phone, and then waking up to wonder if he's alive, rewarding him with a phone call of concern to check up on him...day, after day, after day, after day. ultimately, i think it's up to him to get out of this. no one can force him. this follow up isn't addressed to anyone in particular, just put it out there that his parents don't have much of a place in this part of his life especially, even if they know about it.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (29 July 2009):
I'd be ringing him and then when you're sure hes ok i would ring his parents.Then leave them to it. Hope everything turns out well x
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female
reader, Emilysanswers + ♥, writes (29 July 2009):
Call his family.
They will know if he is alive or not, or can go and find out for you.
If you want to cut contact with this guy and move on then it's not best to be his little counselling service. It's not fair on you. Tell him he can do what he wants and you hope he'll clean up and come and find you one day but for now he has to leave you alone.
Good Luck!! xx
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