A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I tell my boyfriend that we have finished for good?. We have been in an on/off relationship for eight months. When he was 20, he had a couple of one night stands with women in their 40's and then had one other girlfriend before me, which was from when he was 24 until he was 26. He said he was completely single during the rest of the time until he met me. He said he has always been set in his ways. His sister died five years ago. She was only 40, and he lost his mum two years ago. Both were sudden deaths. He is now a carer for his elderly father. He has been very stressed about his situation with his dad. I have seen a lot more of his temper over the last week. He even told.me that he has thrown his mobile phone against the wall and floor a few times. He drinks, but doesnt usually get drunk, but he told.me that he was drunk a few days ago. He has said things to me such as he thinks I am too negative, called me the wicked witch (but he tried to make it sound like a joke), said he was sick of me sending lots of text messages (although, that was partly his fault because he was ignoring me for days), and he said I was partly to blame for him getting drunk a few days ago. I cant say much to him now without him snapping at me. He makes empty promises by saying that he will see me and then he doesn't, has said he thinks I could do better than him, but yet when we see each other, he is all lovey dovey and says we should stay together. He says he ignores me when he doesn't know what to say, or when he is in a bad mood and doesn't want to snap at me. When I last saw him a couple of days ago, we got in an argument. First, we both shouted at each other, but them we immediately started crying and hugging each other and said we didn't want to break up. The argument started because he had suggested going on a two week break away from each other, but he had already but been talking to me much for a week. He had also said that he and his sister were going to sort things so that there could be some better arrangements for his dad's care, and then we can see each other more. Others reasons he has come up with not to see me though are money issues, rainy weather, bowel troubles, and even the football that is on tv here in the UK at the moment!. I'm not a big fan of football, but he is. I don't want to keep going around in circles. We have both said that we have always had a lot of chemistry though, and we do have a lot of similar ways. We were both born very prematurely, I share the same birthday as his dad, we have the same sense of humour sometimes, etc. There seems to be something that always pulls us together, and for me at least, it's hard to let go. Maybe it is for him too. It also doesn't help that I have Aspergers Syndrome, anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if he has any mental health problems, and as far as I know, he doesn't have a disability, but it seems like he could be depressed about his situation with his dad. His dad has had clots in his legs recently, and hardly ever goes out of the house. What do you think about all of this?. I am 32, and he is 50. He looks much younger though because he is a small build like I am. What is also upsetting is that we have been getting more intimate recently ( we haven't had intercourse yet though), and I thought that things were getting better and we were getting a lot closer. He even said that things seem to go well for us, and then things seem to go wrong but he thinks that deep down, we both love each other. We have also both said that it has to go one way or another. Either we stay together and do it properly, or we finish for good, but we still seem to be going in circles.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): I agree with Cindy Cares in that an 8 month on and off relationship isn't worth salvaging at all costs.
Your boyfriend sounds stressed and perhaps exhausted from his caring role but instead of turning to you in his down time he looks away from you to football or makes excuses not to see you.
Relationships should be energising. If you're both going around in circles that implies you both aren't able to solve problems between you. Maybe it's a lack of communication or you both want different things and neither can or wants to compromise.
For a relationship to work you need time, to want to be together, to communicate well and problem solve. Love is only a minor part and doesn't sustain people in the longer term.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2016):
 @ anon female reader : I see what you mean, and anyway all opinions are valid so it's fine, and useful, to offer our posters different perspectives on their problem. Yet I would like to motivate why I disagree with you and, tbh, I think in fact that often people should be fastER to " chuck in the bin ", or advise chucking.
" If every single person threw a relatioship in the bin when it's not working "....then perhaps we'd have less relationships but they would be more functional and healthier.
What's the priority, having " a relationship " whatsoever ,... or having a happy, balanced, fulfilling relationship ?
And isn't dating basically .... the process of discarding what is not working, or working poorly, so you don't have to drag it on and waste time, when you could meet someone better, or also ...just be happier by yourself ?
When you buy shoes, what do you do, you try them on until you find a pair that already fits you well , or do you buy a pair that hurts and pinches and scratches, and try to make it fit by plastering your feet with band-aids and talcum powder ?..
" A " relationship , which brings more problems than joy, more hassles than growth, is something that can be taken or left, actually left is better ; not protected at any cost.
Of course, when a relationship that was already working, based on compatibility and shared goals, for some reason hits a snag and starts unraveling, then it needs mending , and people should work on it with patience, perseverance and committment.
You can't chuck in the bin, say , a 10 or 15 year marriage which has always been happy , and working fine, just because a couple of issues come up suddenly. You can't break a family with kids just because there's a, hopefully temporary , loss of harmony.
But, 8 months of dates " on and off " ? On and off is a bad omen in itself, it means volatile, it means not future -oriented, not " grounded ". Showing SOME patience, trying putting oneself in the other person's shoes... sure, ok. Going above and beyond to keep alive at any cost something that's already costing so much anguish, ...personally I would not do it myself, nor I 'd feel like advising it.
I also don't understand why we assume it's always the woman who should be " helping out " . ( Cooking and cleaning for a casual , on and off relationship... that, honestly I could not advise it anyway ) . In this case ,for instance, the OP suffers from anxiety and depression, she 's got her share of problems too, although not also taking care of a sick parent, anyway I suppose her life is not a bed of roses. Then why are we asking her to help and support him ? Why is he not helping and supporting her ? Why isn't HE going to ccok and clean for her , as a show of care and concern ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): Maybe you need to help him? Perhaps he is under such huge pressure, and carers can be, that some time out is exactly what he needs, or some support. Can a nurse come in to help him? Could you do some shopping and cleaning for him maybe once a week? Support him and see what happens.Sometimes I read the answers here and get annoyed by how quick people are to say yes dump him or her, you are this or that and it's not working. If every single person threw a relationship in the bin when it's not working, then nobody would have one ever! Every relationship goes through tough or testing times, and health, family and money problems are the most common ones.As much as I think his name-calling is truly out of order, I still think you should sit down with him and have a heart to heart about your feelings and about how his life can be made easier so this stress isn't constantly impacting him and you. Personally the age difference would not work for me. I am 47 now and at you age, there is no way I would have considered someone that old as a partner. Generational differences can make things harder. Still, worth trying to make it work and really talking in depth about things. And then at least you have tried. If changes don't happen and things don't improve, then you can end it. And you can't base a relationship on "chemistry". Sure it has to be there, but there has to be a LOT more for it to last. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 June 2016):
In short , yes you should.
It does not seem as this relationship is making / can make either of you happy. You keep going in circles because you both resist letting go ( maybe fear of the unknown ? fear of loneliness ? ) but I think you both realized that just loving each other " deep down " can't keep a relationship afloat by itself. The problem is that deep down love , underneath all the problems and fights, is not enough, love has also to find a way to come to the surface in the normal flow of daily life. In other words, you've got to be compatible, have compatible wants and needs , and be able to get along most of the time, and this is not happening.
He has " good " reasons, technically, for not being as present and attentive as you want, plenty of them. Parental care, money worries, health problems.... I think he feels stretched thin and if he should date now he should be with someone very independent and undemanding because his time and energies are limited. Not that you are wrong to have demands, but maybe he is not the right person to meet them.
As for the football season, this may sound a bit flimsy to you as reason - but that's the age gap. A 50 y.o. man will be sort of set in his ways, specially if he never had to be flexible before and only had himself to please. If he is a football fan, he has been watching his games since maybe the last 40 years,... that's important to him, he is not going to change. Neither for you nor for any other woman.
Basically, by his behaviour he is telling you that you are too much " work ", you want too much attention from him.
That then , from your point of view, or even objectively,the attention you want is not too much, just normal, does not change much the situation . You can take the horse to the water but you can't make it dribk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2016): I think he's stressed-out about his father's health, he needs rest, and you both need to end the relationship. You get sentimental, hug, and cry; but you go back to fighting and abusive language. He's broke, he can't afford to go out, you're making demands knowing his situation; and it only culminates in arguing.
On top of all this, you're dealing with mental disorders which will only complicate an already strained relationship.
You don't seem to realize how dysfunctional the relationship really is, and you both are hanging-on out of force of habit. You're both co-dependent yet incompatible. That's a very combustible relationship. You get on each others nerves. You say you love each other, but the fear is you won't find anyone else willing to put up with either of you. You're not doing a good job right now doing that for each other.
In all honesty, when arguments replace regular conversations; and communication is nothing more than aggressive disagreements, name-calling, and verbal-abuse?
You both really have reached a point you cannot handle each other anymore. You shouldn't tolerate his name-calling and you know he is in a bad state right now. I think you should move on, go through your detachment process; then search for someone with less personal problems,has more patience, and not so much on his hands.
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