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Do I tell my boyfriend what happened when I was passed out, or will he leave me for good if I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 June 2005) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2010)
A , anonymous writes:

My boyfriend told me he was thinking about breaking up with me. I love him so much and was devastated, so I went out to a party and I told myself since techincially he hadn't broken up yet not to do anything stupid.

Well I got really intoxicated and I still didn't do anything, but this guy leaned in and kissed me for like two seconds and then I pulled away, cus a.)he was gross, but more importantly cus of my boyfriend.

Well then I passed out in someone's bed. They told me I could not sleep there so moved me to another bed with the same creepy guy. The guy started rubbing and kissing on me. I did not kiss him back at all, I acted like I was dead basically. Then he went down on me for a few minutes and I still had not given him permission, however I also did not tell him no, I just laid there.

After a few minutes I started saying my boyfriend's name and told the creep to get the hell off of me. I felt really guilty either way though.

The next day my boyfriend did break up with me, so that was the least of my worries...but then a week later we got back together. We are so incredibly in love, but I am feeling extremely guilty for what I did , or I guess didnt stop, since I didn't really do anything and I just laid there. But since I kinda new what was going on I feel guilty. I also feel like iI was semi-raped by that creep...but I dunno...

Anyways, I know my boyfriend hates cheaters and said he would never talk to me again if I cheated on I don't know what to do, because guilt is eating me up on the inside. I mean I don't even know if what I did was technically cheating, and he did break up with me the very next day but still. I would have never done that before and would never do that again. Meaning I would never get that drunk again, and if I realized some dude was going down on me when I was passed out I would have wrung him by his neck. This guy did not have my permission and I did not want him to...

So now what do I do? Wallow in my guilt, or break up with my boyfriend who I love so much because of my guilt?

View related questions: drunk, got back together, kissing

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A male reader, Cynical1 Canada +, writes (31 May 2010):

First off, please don't use the term semi-rape (there's no such thing). Secondly if you get drunk and drive a car, and crash, and kill someone, you are a murderer. If you get drunk and cheat on your boyfriend, you are a cheater. If he stopped when you said "no" there was no rape involved, but you should have said "no" and got out of there the moment you were uncomfortable. Unwnated sex isn't rape unless it's clear that it is unwanted. Say "NO" instead of wishing you had.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007):

Something simular to this happened to me. My boyfriend passed out after a party, and I was not ready to go to bed. So I drove to meet this guy,a friend who I had only talked on the phone with, simply to hang out and go get a bite to eat. I was REALLY intoxicated, and cannot believe i even made the drive. We drove around, i kept asking what restraunt we were going to. Then we stopped in a parking lot, and he started kissing me...I kiss him back, then relized what the hell i was doing and told him "no"..

He tried taking off my pants and i again said " no, i have a boyfriend, i dont want to"..i was so drunk that i felt like i had no strength,..i couldnt even stop him physically, and he wasnt listening. He ended up having sex with me..I just layed there. Afterwards I started crying and told him to take me back to my car.

I got to my car and started screaming, crying....attempting to drive back home...

I called the guy and told him to never call me again.

I got home...ran to the bathroom and made myself throw up until i got a bloody nose. I felt so disgusting, like it was my fault...i still do.

It would have never happened if i wouldnt have gone, if i would have just never talked to him.

The next day, i felt sick, litteraly sick to my stomach.

My boyfriend didnt say anything about my depressed behavior, i just kept saying " I've got a really bad headache"

I still feel like this is all my fault, amd i feel so guilty still. Why didnt i stop him? I mean at the time i felt like there way no way i could, but now...when i think ahout it. im sure i could have.

I havent ever told my boyfriend. I feel like it should be my burden, i put myself in the position, i should have known better. I feel sometimes like i should tell him. But i think i suffer enough for punishment with my guilt from not telling him. I think if i do tell him, it will only hurt him..then we will both hurt. I didnt cheat, but why didnt i stop him.

So many bad things have already happened this month, thats why i never filed a report...I would just keep having to deal with it...go to coourt...

Im just trying to put it in the past and pretend it never happened.

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A reader, robinlovescena +, writes (20 June 2005):

robinlovescena agony aunti think that communication is the only way to go. tell he what had happened. he will most likely be glad that you were truthful. a lot of peeps do not have that do the right thing man. this is one that you must deside on your own. but he did kinda rape you. i would tell your bf and he wont get as upset with you, its his but he is gonna be kickin.

good luck


aka advice gurl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2005):

I think if u were intoxicated and taken advantage of if he doesn't understand teh situation then maybe he isn't all that considerate. He might be mad that u "let urself get into that situation" (thats how it might be perceived, but in all reality u were having fun and just got to drunk and a situation u couldn't control occured, it happens sometimes). U weren't in the wrong, and and u were sexually assaulted, ... if it happened to my girlfriend i would be confused why she didnt' have friends there to help keep an eye on her for that kind of situation, but it would be my fault if i didnt get over it. i love her and we actually talk about things, repressing things like that build up and can consume you, maybe u can't get rid of that guilt again till you talk about it.. Its hard, but i guess only u know if he could accept it, if he can't just talk to ur friends about it , it could become more hurt than it was in the first place, don't shove it down, learn to accept taht bad thigns happens and start to try to get over it, its hard but u need somehow to get that elephant off ur back.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2005):

just ignore what happened totally, no good will ever come of telling your boyfriend so dont bother, it will just ruin his trust for you, and as for the other creep, he sounds like a loser who can only get girls when theyre out of it. sometimes its natural to feel slutty or guitly when a guy takes advantage when were drunk, but a real gentle man you should be able to trust when drunk and wouldnt be such a pig!

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A reader, Mickey_Powell +, writes (13 June 2005):

Mickey_Powell agony auntYou need to forget about that guy. You and your boyfriend will be happy together if you don't mention it. Just pretend nothing happened because you were so drunk and pretend you dreamt the whole thing!! The man took advantage of you while you were drunk. It was not your fault.

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (13 June 2005):

Wendyg agony auntConcentrate on things with your boyfriend. Try and block out what happend and put it down to expereince, a bad one that you were not in control of. Dont tell your boyfriend as this could only wreck things between you, you didnt want anything to happen and its a shame that something did, but dont let that incident ruin what you have with your boyfriend. He doenst need to know.. stop feeling guilty you didnt go out with the intention of cheating, do clear this from your mind. Try not to get in a similar situation again though... just concentrate on the good things you have with your boyfriend, he has no reason to think that anything happend so try to carry on as though nothing did, it isnt nice to have to be seen to be lying to yourself, but this horrid one off incident that wasnt started by you, shouldnt be allowed to ruin your happiness with your man.

Take care

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2005):

I urge you to FORGET what happened with this other guy, and ensure once and for all that you never get this out of control again. The consequences next time could be far more serious.

Do not tell your boyfriend.Sometimes, it is the best policy to stay quiet. Only unhappiness, yours and his, will come of it.It is not worth it.

Look to the future and forgive yourself, after all, it cannot be very pleasant to be rubbished by someone telling you that they are 'thinking' about breaking up with you.

A final word of warning, if your boyfriend does break up with you again, be sure not to take him back another time.+

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A reader, danCRchicAnGeL08 +, writes (13 June 2005):

Hey hon, it sounds as though you're in an especially tough position. The bottom line is that the guy took advantage of you. You were sexually harrassed becuase a)he did this without your consent b) and because he did it at a time when you were incapable of making a concious decision.

My fist advice to you would be to tell a trusted adult or a very close friend. That will take away some of your guilt. Maybe talking to a counselor, crisis hotline, or even your parents will help you get through this. Then if you wish, (because he violated you) you may file a police report. Your first priority is taking care of your own feelings, body, and thoughts. After this is taken care of, then you can worry about your boyfriend. Trust me, if the two of you really love each other, he will understand what happened to you. And he will help you. I know this because just this past year I went through the same sort of situation. And although it was not my boyfriend at the time who I told; I told someone who I knew would listen and understand. This person turned out to be the person I love and who loves me. If you tell him and he does flip out; an adult who knows what happened to you (aka: counselor, friend, parent) should talk to him and help him understand because it probably upsets him as much as it upsets you.

I hope I helped a little hon. Remember, you are in NO way guilty of anything. What HE DID was wrong and it is nothing more than that. Keep your head up!

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