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Should I tell his gf how manipulative and mean he is??

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2007)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Is it wrong to let the girl that is dating my ex know that he started dating her before we broke up? He made it seem like we were allready broken up so he could be with her. In reality we were in a long distance realationship and I finally broke up with him because he pretty much left me in the dust, and my gut told me he was cheating. Part of me feels like I want her to know because shes a young girl and I know how manipulative, mean and selfish he can be. (NOT exaggerating). and the other part is I don't think he deserves to be in a relationship based on lies, or to get away with it. Which is more dignified, which is the right thing to do? What would you do? We were together a long time, the long distance relationship was relatively short.

View related questions: broke up, long distance, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

DrPete gives you very good advice and I concur. What purpose will it serve to telling this guy's new gf, this tidbit of information, hun? Walk away from all this toxic crap and move on to brighter, more positive aspects of your life. Take what you have learned, and apply it to all future relationships. The guy dumped you and cheated. He was a cad. Sounds like he deeply hurt you and I am sorry. They both are in the romantic thrall of a new relationship. Telling her won't make you seem like a 'savior sorts...but they will both think you are vindictive,bitter, resentful and jealous.

With hard work and blameless living, you will forget your own error in judgment (dating this cad). Remember also, if and him ran with the same crowd or if you live in a smaller community, enemies are made, reputations ruin easily so your self respect and 'grace' is important, here. Vindictive behaviors will be forgiven by others but they are never forgotten. 'Revenge is sweet', but really the best revenge is living well and being a happy person. Yes..the chances are, that he could do the same thing to her. And then again--he may not. He might think she is the one special girl, for him. You have no idea what is happening in their relationship. Move on past this and resist the urge to tell her, dear. Good luck and take care, dear.

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A female reader, Jenna United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

Jenna agony auntI agree 100% with Dr Pete, it is no longer your concern and interfering won't do you any favours. Best of luck for the future. Jenna x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

Hi there

When we feel hurt it can be tempting to do things to make ourselves feel better - to hurt the one who hurt us. I think this is why you want to talk to this other girl - it's not really because you want to save her from what you have saved yourself from.

The best way to act and to be the better and strong person is to not do anything. If you mention anything to this girl, it will go wrong, trust me. You will seem like a jealous ex, this guy will paint you as a nasty person and that is the way this girl will see you. Perhaps you don't mind how people see you, but then again you will, long-term, feel better knowing you were strong enough to just walk away.

So in answer to your question, I would say that the most dignified and right way to act is to move on and allow this girl to realise her own mistakes. You as the ex-girlfriend can do nothing to change this situation and if this guy is mean and manipulative she will quickly see that for herself. Have strength knowing that he is no longer your boyfriend and allow yourself to move on from them. All the best.

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