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Should I stop sending money to my ungrateful niece?

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Question - (7 August 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2015)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have a 20 year niece in college. I send money to her for school. Most of the time, I receive no thank you or word that she received the money. I stopped sending gifts because of this. She spends time with other uncles (younger) going to nightclubs and etc. When I come around for a visit which is seldom, sometimes she doesn't stay home during my visit. Should I stop sending money?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015):

Give to a younger niece.

Manners should be learnt before she graduates, in the University of life. So far she has failed.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015):

This is the Uncle with the ungrateful niece. I have no children of my own. After working years, I know who not to put on my will.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI would cut her off.

While I get YouWish's idea to TEACH her something here, she is 20 and SHOULD have learned that you say THANK you to people who help you out. It doesn't take more then 5 minutes to either shoot a text, call, mail an e-mail or a card.

My 13 year wrote and mailed (snail-mail) a letter to her Honorary Aunt & Uncle to say thank you for the birthday card and money they sent her. I didn't even have to prompt her. In May... my 11 year old and 15 year old DID the same thing. They wrote their grandpa a long e-mail right after Christmas saying thank you and added a bunch of pictures. Again.. not prompted by me. I have a bunch of thank you cards and envelopes as well as birthday cards, Christmas etc... so yes, the kids didn't have to go out and buy one - btw the 13 year old made her own as she is pretty good at drawing.

A 20 year old can do it if an 11 year old can.

So yeah, I'd cut her off. IF she (or her parents ask why) explain why.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (7 August 2015):

YouWish agony auntI don't like saying that all millennials have a sense of entitlement. I know hard working ones, and I think self-absorption is something that happens when you're young. The greatest generation considered the Boomers to be that way when they were young and the drugs started flowing freely. The Boomers considered the Gen-Xers to be entitled, and now the Gen-Xers are saying it about the Millennials. It's a stereotype, similar to all car salesmen are dishonest, all lawyers are moneygrubbers, all women are shopaholics with no control over their emotions, all men are sexist pigs, etc.

I had to say something because I have hope when I see millennials come on here for advice. Hopefully this niece will find this situation to be a teaching moment and both uncle and niece become better for it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (7 August 2015):

YouWish agony auntBefore you do that, you should tell her exactly what you told us. Give her a chance to realize that she is being oblivious to the fact that you're a real person and that the money is an act of love on your part. I know that many people regret the self-absorption of their youth.

If after you let her know how you feel, she continues her behavior that hurts you, THEN you stop sending money. Give her a chance to feel badly, apologize, and change her ways. Just cutting off the money without any explanation isn't the best way to communicate. Direct confrontation from one family member to another isn't always pleasant, but in the long run, it'll be far better for both of you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015):

Simply put. Yes, sir!

You're a kind and generous uncle; but she may only assume you do it, because you like to. It's a gift and she didn't really ask for it. You have to remember millennials these days have a strong sense of entitlement, short attention spans, and a strong need for immediate gratification. Technology has somewhat desensitized many people, including our generation; because we are in an age where you get what you want in a matter of minutes. You have immediate credit at your disposal, the advertising media constantly appeals to our neediness and cravings, encouraging everyone to take and not to give. To want without shame.

No one is forcing you to continue to send money; that was your choice. If you see no gratitude? Stop! You shouldn't try to gain favor or acceptance through money and material things. Sometimes love and attention suffices. Redirect it to charity or somewhere else when you realize it isn't appreciated as it should be. If she leaves when you come, it's because she's young and has other plans. Not sitting with an older uncle; who can't relate much to the things she likes, and is interested in. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, only that she takes you for granted.

Teach her the consequences.

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