A
male
age
41-50,
*neday
writes:I have a situation that i think if i talked about it maybe it might help. I got married in 96 to a woman i thought was everything to me,she had a child of her own from a previous relationship. i didn't mind that at all. We had our 1st child a year after our marriage. When we married i had been friends with this other woman from years back, and remained friends even after my marriage. I never made this other friend known to my wife fearing that she might say thats not necessary, now that i have a wife. Like any other marriage we had our first problems, argument, you name it. I always talked to my friend who at the time was also in a relationship and things not going right, in hers it was more of an abusive one as he used to hit her.Now my wife started to become somebody else, we would fight over who left the window open or trivial things like that. It's been all these years with her moving out and coming back again, for the sake of my child I've had to put up with all this, she's even told me that she got a lawyer and divorced me, never seen any divorce papers, as we now live in a different country. The other friend has always remained loyal to me and I have just realized how much i love her, she has kids of her own with the abusive guy, she wants out. I want out as well as I haven't even slept with my wife for over a year now we live in the same house but don't share a bedroom. My big question is, is this marriage worth working on, can it be salvaged, or do i count my loses and move on with somebody else?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): There is a danger that knowing that your friend is always there has subconsiously played a part in the decline of your marriage, to the point where you have convinced yourself that the best option is to move on with your friend. Let's not forget that through the difficult times, your wife has been there and come back to you each time. As for the divorce, it is possible that she has said something she regrets whilst blinded by hurt and emotions. The only way to really know what has gone on is to talk to her, not in a confrontational way but in a way that offers her a way of back tracking on a possibly silly and missguided comment.
The love you say you feel for your friend could be transferance of the feelings you have or had for your wife. The problem there is that if you allowed things to develope in that direction, you could find that the 'reality' of the situation may undermine how you think you feel for this person.
There is an amazing book by Dr Phil McGraw called relationship rescue, I think that this book could go along way towards helping you define just how you feel about your wife.
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