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Should I stay with my husband for the sake of my children?

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 October 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 20 October 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been married for two years now and have four children with my husband. My children are aged 4, 3 and 2.

There is nothing instrinsically wrong with our relationship apart from the fact that I just do not love him any more. I hate him touching me, and feel myself becoming more and more distant from him. He is a nice enough guy and I respect and am fond of him but my heart just isn't with him.

When we got married I knew that it wasn't what I wanted but I felt selfish as he wanted it so badly, all the relatives of course as well, and the fact that we had children then made me feel that I had to do it.

All this is compilcated by the fact that an old boyfriend and I have still been in love with one another for the last ten years. We broke up because he lives abroad and I wasn't mature enough to hang in there and wait for him and ended up sleeping with somebody else. When he found out he was devastated and ended the relationship. However ever since we have spoken and seen each other now and then. Upon discussion and much heart wrenching thought we have now realised that we want to start again. I can't imagine being without him and he makes me happy and always has.

My question is, basically, am I just being selfish? Should I stay with my current husband for my children? Will they settle? Will they hate me for taking them away from their dad? Of course he will be able to see them whenever he wants but is it enough?

Thanks for reading.

View related questions: broke up

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008):

What are VOWS for. You will have to stick it out, things may change, you have only been married 2 years, so what if you are a bit bored, get over it.

Don't enter into a relationship and have children if you have no intention of seeing it through.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008):

Indeed Uncle Phil, you are spot on. You can't stay in a marriage if you cringe at your husbands touch. That's not fair to him, he should be set free to find a woman to love and respect him the way that he loves and respects her. You want your ex partner, but to tell the truth that is not guaranteed. You are a mother with 4 children, if you bring your kids to the new man, he may find it too much. He may want you and not them. Your children may feel very sad if you and their dad get a divorce, but for the sake of yourself and your husband, you must put an end to this marriage. The kids will just have to understand, but to see an unhappy marriage will definitely hurt them more than to have two parents who are happy with other people. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. It's time to put an end to this mistake of a marriage before you begin to hate him for loving you too much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008):

I suppose you are being selfish, but there's no point in enduring an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. You owe it to your husband to tell him how you feel so that if he wishes he can find someone who loves him as much as he loves them.

The kids will undoubtedly be upset if you and their father went your separate ways, but they'll get used to it in time. I doubt they'll hate you, not unless you use them as pawns in a divorce battle.

I suppose this is a warning to all those other people out there who are in a hurry to get married. Marry in haste, repent at leisure and all that.

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