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Should I stay with my girlfriend of 6 years?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 February 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi, I just wanted to get some advice on my relationship as probably I could do with it. I'm 33 and my girlfriend is five years younger than me. We have been going out for 6-7 years. I’m not sure if I should stay with her. When she has no problem things are good. I’ll give a general overview of the relationship.

Things started of fine but she was always a bit feisty, strong character. She then met some girls two years later that sleep around a lot and one who is a strong character who is generally quite manipulative, and there were many times she would encourage my gf to leave me and that I should be doing x,y,z as she was a bit of a player getting guys to pay for everything, banging other guys she liked, prostituting/escorting on the side instead of working, whilst studying. Me and this girl clashed because my gf would tell me what she would say about me and her whole existence seemed to be to go clubbing, onenightstands, and wanting my gf as her partner in crime. I wasn’t happy about this girl, but didn’t want to make my gf stop being friends with her because of me.

Me and my gf throughout the relationship have had many arguments where it always felt like we were breaking up. We could hardly have an argument without us being “over” and then we would end up making back up a few days/week later. When we argue she is really loud, shouts any disrespectful or humiliating stuff that she can think of for everybody to hear. This regular breaking up stopped for a bit, but would happen now and then. She has wanted me to move in with her, but when we just about try it, we have a bust up, kicks me out of the house while cussing for everybody to hear and then won’t let me have any items I have at her house back in some incidents threatening she will smash my stuff, on a few occasion she has smashed a few things of mine.

I should mention that during most of our relationship she has been studying and working p/t just about making ends meet. I have on many occasions helped her out or borrowed her money when she has needed it. I have been studying also for the last 4 years and working p/t. The girl I don’t like, let’s call her “Kat”, started hanging with another girl just like her, who sleeps around and does drugs etc, of course my gf is now close friends with her now too, along with another girl who sleeps around but isn’t too bad. They go out raving and take MDMA, drink a lot, with the other girls’ aims to get guys. These girls are pretty but they act like guys and actually scout the club. Have pictures of guys they have slept with jacking off on their phones. I’ve been out with my girl and them a couple of times. The first time with me, after my gf took MDMA she was sleeping on the club seats out of it. Another time at her house she ended up lying on the floor, gone to the world. So when she goes out with these girls I am concerned as I know what the other girls are about. Once after going out with them they bought some guys back to the house not knowing I was there, my gf claimed they gave them a lift and Kat bought them back. I’ve never did drugs and Kat would say I’m boring (for not doing the drugs) so we have had a few falling outs over the years

My gf says she has never cheated on me and is convincing, I do believe her, but taking the drugs I believe things could happen. Her friends would definitely be up for her cheating and the new friend couldn’t believe that she hadn’t when they had a one to one. Me and my gf had an argument another time, where she was cussing me out, following me out the house shouting, to get her off my back I decided to shout back and say something like go hang with your hoes, guess what she does, straight away tells Kat I think all of them are hoes and Kat goes tell all of her friends this. So, they all don’t like me even more after this when we get back together. I help her out financially, but don’t like to buy other things after I just helped out, she feels hard done by, I should do more.

Past year and a half

My gf says that she doesn’t dance with guys when she is out and makes a point of it. Kat stored some things at my gf house with pics on the top of a box, me being nosey looked, came across 2 pictures of my gf grinding with a guy. I never told her and asked if she dances with guys when she goes out. She said “no”, denied it with no problem. I then said I had found something out and asked again. She tried to find out what I know. Eventually I showed her one of the pictures, she claimed it was just a quick pic, claimed to not have danced with him. Then I showed her the second pic, she said “Oh, I think that was first time I went out with Kat and new girl and first time we did MDMA” It was so long ago, it was just a dance and I forgot about it.

She used email on my phone and didn’t log out, I found out she made a profile on a dating website. I asked her if she has ever been on a dating website, she completely denies being on one for a while, and asking for proof I ended up saying I had as she questioned me. She had a lot of messages but didn’t look like she responded. Said she forgot, she done it when we had one of our broke ups and never went on again, that’s the only one. I see a few weeks an email from another dating website, same thing again, looks like she never responded to messages. Claim to have forgot but managed to delete most promo emails.

My gf finishes uni does a job she doesn’t like much, I encourage her to look for better job, and she wasn’t happy with her current job but was looking for similar. Gets a new job things are fine. Whenever she get paid we seem to have argument around that time. Whenever the friends meet up they take drugs, my gf wants to go holiday with them, claims I should trust her, I can but doing drugs can make her do things she never planned to do. I writ all this out as we have had another argument that felt like a break up. I have also done things to annoy or upset her but I’m not as extreme in my actions. I would have added them or can add them but the post is already long and I’m just think right now of all the bad things that I don’t like.

View related questions: a break, broke up, cheated on me, clubbing, drugs, get back together, money, player

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (2 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntOP: Read your original posting... and your two "replies" to us Aunts and Uncles....

IF you still think there is even a smidgen of "something" that you ought to pursue with this girl... then you, Sir, are beyond hope... and I'm sorry that I offered advice with which I had hopes of guiding you away from this crazy arrangement... which arrangement YOU don't exhibit enough brains to get away from....

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntSo you stooped to her level by tossing her keys on the tracks, and it didn't make you feel good.

CUT your losses now. Whatever she has of your "stuff" say goodbye to it in your mind.

KEEP ALL the abusive texts she sent you (And I hope you didn't play her game).

Then CUT the contact 100%.

She is NOT the girl you met x amount of years ago. She is now "rebelling" against you. And YOU have been playing right into her hands. SO STOP.

Calling her friends hoes is not helping you either.

BLOCK her number, if she shows up, call the Police if she doesn't leave. Pack her crap in a box and have it by the door so you can hand it to her, CHANGE your locks.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok, we attended this concert and I see why she wasn't keen for me to come, a few days before she said she had something to tell me and not to be mad. Said that when they come they will be doing coke and they don't want to have to hide it from me. She said previously they have done it around me and I wasn't aware as she asked them not to let me see. She said she had done it a few times too, I couldn't believe it, but guess I could. Then I started wondering if she cheated on me, because she said before she met me she tried it when she was young but it made her horny.

Went to the concert, It ended up being me, my gf and Kat as the guy didn't come and the other girl wasn't feeling good from the drugs (think coke) and drink from the night before. To see Kat behavior in front of my eyes made me really wonder what goes on when they go out. She just starts talking to guys she likes. My gf was not interested that I was even there, she was just dancing by herself. these guys that Kat didn't even know got more attention than I did from my gf. We was at a certain spot, I went toilet a couple of times, the last time I went, I came back and they was not at the spot. I found them after looking around. Then at the end of the night (club closing/music off) Kats speaking to 2 other guys, my gf say's lets go outside and wait and has Kats phone. I moan about them leaving me etc. My gf says go home then, I'm waiting for Kat. I never said to leave her, but we knew she had booked a hotel to stay with the guy who was getting out of prison. I said she has probably made her way there with one of those guys. My gf would say, well go home and give me my keys.

We wait 20-30 mins then we make our way home, both of us not happy. Then when we on the train she starts to get loud, I say something about why you hanging with hoes, she says, they are not your friends, you wait, I'm going to tell them. I'm still pissed of and been drinking too. She demanded her keys again and to spite her I threw her keys on the track. I know that was really a stupid thing to do. After that she was getting louder saying you wait, etc. She was walking in front and I jumped on another train to avoid the big showdown I was going to get. Now I got all abusive texts, she left me a VM cussing and saying she's calling the police and my friends will back me and say that I attacked her and all she wanted to do was love me. She was talking to me like I attacked her, saying why did you attack me? she studied Law and watches alot of that deadly woman show. In text messages, she says she hates me so much, calls me a woman, says her love for me is non existent, I'm going to regret fucking with the wrong bitch, wait and see. I hate you, I despise you god knows I wish you was dead.

I never got to get all my stuff back. Now I also have to worry about her damaging my car because she broke a wing mirror of my old car years ago when we had a fall out. Even through all this, I feel very depressed, but I guess this is what it feels like when you break up with somebody that you love. Well I guess she broke up with me, don't know if that makes me feel worse, especially being on bad terms and wanting my stuff back too. You know, I'm so sad I don't have nobody to speak to really. I can't just contact my old friend from out of the blue and start to say this stuff, it's very embarrassing. My mind is everywhere but I need to try and concentrate on finishing my studies as I'm not on track right now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the feedback, I think this is what I have been thinking but maybe I’ve become a bit co dependant on my gf. I think I do have issues as well. Over the years I haven’t tended to keep my friendships in good order, by staying in touch with friends. In my head this usually happens as I don’t like to chase people if they also don’t keep in contact. My gf also thinks or has said that I’m insecure and too sensitive.

My gf and her girls also, when they go out they always think that they should have an after party at one of their houses (This will involve drugs and guys if it’s another friend’s house). I’ll always try to get my gf not to go to these things.

I’ve also tried to be more tolerant of her friends and suggested I come along to some of these events. She says well it’s a girls night, but if one of the her friends ends up either bringing a guy or a guy goes back to the other friends house for one of their after party’s she doesn’t say anything.

Honeypie – Yes I guess its easier to blame who you think is causing the bad influence, I do think things would have been different if she never met this girl. They met at school, because Kat had sex with a family member and found out my gf knew him, before that they didn’t talk. Good point about the stuff, sometimes these things take me by surprise and I’m stressing about getting my stuff back etc.

Janniepeg – That is a good point and something I often say to her. But she will spend her last money on alcohol, cigs and weed. They are her daily habits that she won’t go without.

Femmenioir – I feel that way too about me not having her full love or respect for me and the relationship.

Notsohappy – taken on board

CindyCares – Re: the therapy, she has mentioned this herself years ago, she left home at a very young age. Sometimes she will give me the cold shoulder/be in a mood, I’ll ask what’s wrong and I wil get the replay “nothings wrong” for x amount of time, then if one of her friends call or something she will talk to them normal and happy. People can’t believe also that she does the things I say as seem comes across so innocent and friendly people in general. I do feel like a bit of a doormat at times. I think I need to take some action and do believe I probably need to sort out self esteem issues. I’m a bit of an introvert, whilst she is an extrovert.

Sageoldguy1465 – I do not like the prospect of being like this indefinitely. I want to be in a committed, secure relationship. Where I can have arguments and not feel like I broke up over something petty.

I’m stressed at the moment too because at uni I have a lot of deadlines over the next two months. I’m also due to go to a concert with her this week, along with 2 of her friends and some other guy she’s known for years (who she says is like her brother and that she hasn’t done anything with, says he’s normally sleeps with her friends, slept with Kat too) who is getting released from prison. She planned to do something for him on his release. I overheard her on the phone sort of ask him if it was okay if I come (sounded like he didn’t even have any sort of problem with it)

Some of our woes may stem over money, apparently soon her pay will double, I wonder if things will be better than as there shouldn’t be money issues, but then again things may get worse with all other stuff.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (24 February 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSome couples find that they can live in a "yo-yo" relationship - such as you've described - indefinitely... maybe forever.

YOU need to decide if you (and your G/F) are two of those people.

IF you come to your senses.... and figure out how shallow your "relationship" with this girl REALLY IS... THEN you might want to take up with an adult woman, with whom you have lots in-common....

Good luck...

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 February 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt I am amazed, OP - you are one patent guy ! Way too patient for your own good.

Wow, 7 years of on and off, yells, verbal abuse, smashing your stuff, living like a single party girl while she is supposedly in a committed r/ship, and taking illegal dangerous drugs which is not your scene at all... and you are still hanging in there ?! Aren't you fed up yet, after 7 years of drama, shenanigans and taking abuse ?....

I suppose this is the male version of the ....."but I love him ! " which we get so often by female posters, to justify any kind of wrongdoings done by their partners.

Uhm, what's love got to do with it. This is being co-dependent.

Frankly the girl does not sound like just a fiery feisty funloving type, she sounds like someone with a personality disorder. I suppose she would need therapy, not a doormat boyfriend to indulge all her whims. But regardless of the actual state of her mental health, she- and your relationship, - sounds like a real nightmare. Wake up and rejoin the world of the conscious living,please.

You are so impressed that she never cheated on you- or so she says. Well, so what? Suppose it's true. That makes her a non- chearing abuser, a non- chearing manipulator, a non- cheating WRECK. Big deal.

I think you should strive and learn to feel enough self respect for yourself, in fact enough self-preservation instinct, to want more in a partner than just " someone who does not cheat on me " .

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (24 February 2015):

femmenoir agony auntHi there,

you sound like a very nice guy, a very kind, empathetic & tolerant person, who really cares about his gf.

May i say though & with all honesty, no matter how much you care about & love yr gf, she is not going to change her ways, period!

You have written many things about her within your msg & i read it twice over, just to be certain, before replying to you.

As a female, i would encourage you to sit yr gf down & have a really serious one on one chat, regarding everything that is bothering you, warts & all, even if she does get upset.

Be true to your feelings for a change & stop doing everything for her, for now, until you know exactly where this realtionship is actually heading long term, if @ all.

You've both been together for many yrs now & i know breaking up after so many years is difficult & it hurts, but it is much better to be single, pain & stress free & happy, than to be confined within a toxic & hard work type relationship.

How do i know? Because i am older than you & i have been there & yes, more than once.

It is only now that i am much older, that i have actually found my true love, the man i should have met 25 yrs ago, but i am blessed to have met him now, rather than never.

If you allow yourself to be free of this current relationship & of course, this has to be your own decision to make, you would most likely find that you are able to breathe & live again.

Sure, you'd miss your gf like crazy for a while, but you need to ask yourself the important question.

"Do i want to remain within this type of union, whereby my gf lies quite often, whereby she takes drugs on occassion, whereby she hangs out with girls who are really bad influences in her life, etc; etc;?

If you actually left her, two things may occur.

1. She may come to you, say she will make big changes, bec she loves & respects you that much.(So far, she has proven otherwise unfort)

2. You will have seen her true colours, in which you'd have made the best decision of your life, which would leave bigger & better doors open to you for the future.

Either way, i must confess. I think your relationship sounds very unhealthy, primarily because of all the things your gf has been doing.

I will go 1 step further too. I can honestly say as a mature woman, that you may love yr gf, but she doesn't love you that much, or @ least have full respect for you or your relationship.

If she did, if she were mature & committed to you & your future together, then the simple fact is that she'd not be doing any of the detrimental things that she is currently doing & again, if you choose to remain with her, that's up to you, but you'll be setting yourself up for even more disaster, down the rd.

You sound very sensible & very mature, with a good head on your shoulders, so you should consider moving on, getting over her, re-opening your heart to real love again & this time around, not allowing such toxic energy & people of disrespect into your life.

The fact that she has tried drugs, calls you boring for not trying it & for yelling @ you regularly, are all signs of acute disrespect within a relationship.

Beware! This behaviour will never change, bec it is her way, her style, her bad habit.

As a mature man yourself, i would question your own self-esteem & self-image, bec you don't seem to know your own self-worth, based on all you've written.

Sorry, to be so brutally honest with you.

Please take some time out & think seriously about whr you guys are heading.

Tnhis is actually not about your gf, believe it or not, it's actually about you & your feelings here. Your needs first & foremost & @ present, your needs are not being met.

You are not 100% fulfilled, nor happy, nor is she i imagine, bec she requires other deviances, to stay on top of her game.

When you are in a very healthy relationship, you will know it, believe me, bec i have been there & done that.

All the best & please let me know how you get on. :-)

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (24 February 2015):

janniepeg agony auntYou don't have to wait for her admission of cheating to leave. Your girlfriend is horrible and have no respect for life. She must be so beautiful that you tolerated this for 6 years. "When things are good..." is the most common excuse to stay in a bad relationship. If she is making ends meet, then she shouldn't be spending it on alcohol and drugs. If she never had those bad habits, you wouldn't have to help her out on rent. She is looking at dating sites because she senses you would dump her or she is ready to leave, finding another guy to use, to support her habits. The arguments you had with her showed that you did not support them. You are fussing too much and being a hindrance to her "happiness."

You are still young enough to start over and have a family. Maybe one of the reasons you are still with her because you are afraid of the repercussions of a break up, seeing that she is a foul mouthed druggie with a gang of the same or worse. Your question is overdue. It's not whether anymore, but how to break up. I would concentrate on how to have a break up that causes the least damage.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 February 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly, I think you two grew apart a while back when she started befriending "Kat" and her cronies.

I do think you give "Kat" to much power and credit over your GF. She is an adult and RESPONSIBLE for HER own actions. She made the choice to try drugs and to hang with "Kat" my guess is she is afraid she has been missing out on the whole wild party life and when she met "Kat" she saw her chance to walk on the wild-side.

I would START to move YOUR stuff out of her place ASAP, and once you are done moving everything, end it. Cut the contact and move on.

She has already chosen "Kat" over you. You just don't seem to have noticed.

I'm don't think you are entirely innocent of the deterioration of the relationship. But growing apart HAPPENS in some relationships. Accept that.

Let her go. Don't get sucked in.

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