A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 39 year old mom of 2 who is in my 2nd marriage. I divorced my kids' father because he has a narcissistic personality disorder. He spent money wildly on basically fake businesses deluding himself deeply into thinking he was a gifted entrepreneur who would one day end up on the cover of Inc. Magazine! It was really really bad. I met another man 6 years ago, and rushed into marriage with him. Fast forward two years, and my hubby started drinking. Two years ago he was up to 2-3 bottles of wine a day at times, and displayed a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. He was a laid back and nice guy when sober, but a VERY edgy and mean man when drunk. There was physical abuse a few times, and verbal abuse as well when he was drunk. After two years of his drinking too much, I finally took action and had an intervention for him. This really shook him up, and he has limited his drinking, especially now that he has taken a new job and doesn't have time to drink much anymore. He had been working from home before, and it was easy for him to drink during the day.I had met my husband at the gym, and he was in great shape. Fast forward 6 years and he does not workout and basically looks pregnant. I'm just not very attracted at all. His sister weighs about 450 lbs due to food addiction and his dad is an alcoholic. So addiction is in the genes. Also, my husband tends to be very lazy and sleeps in until noon on weekends, and until 7:30 am during the week barely making it to work on time. He started projects around the house, and NEVER finishes them. He totally ignores home repair issues, and often is late paying bills. He buys weights, a bike, exercise equipment, and then NEVER follows through. Ive told him many times that he needs to lose weight. He is not depressed. He usually comes home from work and watched TV and stays on the computer until bedtime. He always asks me to deal with things like the taxes, and selling our home. My domain is basically doing ALL of the housework, childcare, and working my job. I've offered to take on the bills, but he likes paying them even though he is often late. I workout 5 days a week, and am VERY self disciplined about keeping fit and toned. I still get carded when buying wine, and I can tell men are attracted as they smile, chat me up, flirt, and are very nice to me. I'm told that I'm attractive, and try to be for him.My husband lied to me when I met him. He had about $250k, and said that he had sold a business right before he met me. Around the time of the intervention, I found out the his parents GAVE him all of this money. He lied and said he bought his house. His dad later told me that his parents bought it. His mom also bought all of the furniture and my wedding ring. (His parents are very well off, and he and his 450 lb sister have had the BEST of everything in life. She is 40, single, and lives at home with no job. She has a personality disorder.) I did know about that part. He had also lied about other things like having paid his way through college, having a master's degree, and getting a scholarship. None of this turned out to be true when I had a heart to heart with his family around the time of the intervention. They said he had been drinking heavily the year before he met me, but was on an upswing when going to the gym when we met.My husband is now working across country and I'm waiting for the house to sell. The last time I went out to visit him, he was drinking. One night during the work week, he downed 3 beers and then an entire bottle of wine he had gotten for me. He is mostly sober when I speak to him on the phone though. Also, last summer, I discovered he had googled local escorts on a business trip. He also had googled ways to set up an alternate phone account with Google Voice. He denied, and said he was curious because a business associate was bragging about some gorgeous escort he had been with and was checking to see if he was lying. Over the years, he rarely initiates sex so I've wondered if he was heavily into porn and was scoping out the google history.All of this sounds beyond absurd, I know. I'm pretty numb writing it out. It's astonishing for me to read what I just wrote. It sounds crazy. I think I'm this super soft hearted person who wants to fix and heal her partner. I get really attached too, and do love him. Lately, though, I'm just so scared. I'm terrified of moving my kids away from their roots across country. He's not a great step dad. He can go months without talking to my kids and was very hands off and passive when he lived with us. He also has gotten us into debt with poor financial decisions.In my heart, I want to end this and see if there is someone better out there. I'm so afraid of waking up at 45-50 and having spent my best years with an alcoholic. I see men on Match.com who are fit, professional, financially established, good dads, and looking for someone like me. I'm very stable, calm, and kind hearted. There's a good looking divorced 49 year old attorney and I want to contact him SO badly. He's fit, accomplished, and established. He may not be all that great, but I think my own husband is lacking so much. How could it get any worse?I feel horrible about all of this. I feel sad imagining my husband alone. In his own way, he is trying but I still think he's dysfunctional and fear his old ways will resurface. It's who he is. It's like I want to jump ship to save myself and kids before it's too late. I was too weak and codependent before, but now I feel like I'm waking from a bad dream. Readers help!! It's hard to see the forest through the trees in your own situation especially when you are emotionally entwined with someone. I told it like it is. Everyone tells me that I'm a great mom and wife...fit, clean house, devoted mom, good employee, attractive, sweet, etc. I feel I could get out now, find a healthier and more competent mate, a deeper connection, and save my kids and I so much pain later on. Terrified of ending up with a drunk in older age! I'm staying because I feel sorry for him to a large degree. Readers, what would you do!?! Thank you for your feedback!!!!PS...I'm no longer on speaking terms with his family. They implied that he was drinking to cope with being married with 2 step kids. They shunned me, and showered him with gifts, invitations to dinner, and phone calls and never ONCE called me to check up after the intervention. His alcoholic chain smoking dad was angry about the intervention, and said I handled it poorly. His dad and sister are very passive aggressive towards me, and for a long time, my husband did nothing about this and ignored it. After I had gotten very upset, he finally called and told him to stop being so rude to me.PSS...Sorry for the length of this. I sound like a ranting fool. Just need some advice from outsiders looking in :-(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): I like how you mention several time how fit you are:). I am sure you are an attractive woman, but as we all now physically attractiveness is not a foundation for happiness. Your husband has problems, and it's obvious. I have seen families like his, where parents basically destroy their children by doing things for them and always covering and paying for them. His parents gave him enough money to live debt free. Who on earth gets a paid off house as a gift? He is one of a very few people who got it sooo good, and he couldn't manage to take advantage of his privileged situation. He has drinking problems, and his alcoholic future is very close. You are going to be dealing with an alcoholic, and you kids also. It's a very gloomy future.Your friend is right, wait for the house to be sold, pay of your debts and move on. At least do it for the sake of your children. The reason why you are looking for other men is because in your heart this marriage is over
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2013):
 So your friend is right, lay low, but that doesn't mean roll over and accept that you have no choices in life.
Set some goals for yourself. Light a fire under the real-estate agent - work a budget out for when YOU will be on your own. Basically start planning your exit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Thanks for the advice. I'm starting to see that I've been stuck in a victim mentality and also have been too weak and indecisive due to fear. I guess I'm looking at Match to remind myself that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I haven't gotten myself out because we have to sell the house to pay back credit card debt in both of our names. House is his, and an attorney friend told me to lie low and wait until house sells since he plans to pay off the debts which he accrued. Otherwise, I could get stuck with half of it if I leave now.
I appreciate the advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2013):
I think you have been disengaging yourself from the marriage for a long long time. The fact that you are looking for a replacement already kind of show that you ARE just looking for an excuse for you to leave and move on.
IF you are NOT happy and feel done with it, woman up and end it.
The fact that you found out your husband is a complete liar about just about anything you have been told by him, I can imagine that has eroded all trust and once the trust is out the window, everything else goes pretty fast.
So my question is this, why have you not started to get your ducks in a row? Find a place YOU can afford on YOUR income in the school district or state/city YOU want to live in and then you FILE for divorce.
As for looking on Match for a "replacement" I think you REALLY need to hold your horses. You already stated that you JUMPED into THIS marriage too fast to please - wait til you are fully divorced and fully OVER this marriage/relationship before you go looking for a new Mr. Perfect.
Focus on YOU and the kids.
Stop playing the victim, YOU can walk away. You say you want to "save" your kids, then DO so.
Do you have any family whom you can lean on for support? or friends? Someone you can talk to and who can help you STAY motivated with this? Obviously you are capable of keeping yourself motivated enough to go to the gym regularly - so stop moaning and wasting your life, FIGURE out if you WANT to go or WANT to stay and then STICK with the result.
Instead of looking at lovely lawyers on Match, look for a place to live, take your name of whatever bills you two share (unless they are yours), TALK to a lawyer about getting a divorce, open a bank account in YOUR name and have YOUR paycheck deposited here.
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