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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is not working at the moment but is trying hard to get a job. Last week I lent him £20 and asked him when he would give it me back, he said the next time he saw me. I've seen him twice now and no mention of the money. Should I ask for it back or wait longer?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 Sigh... it's not the money, it's the attitude.
You do not dump people because they do not have 20 £, of course- you dump them because they have the wrong attitude and the wrong ethics.
This is a small loan, and I am sure the OP will be fine even if she collects it late, or not at all.
But it's still a breach of trust. A little breach of trust, but a breach nonetheless, and who can tell you if someone who can't keep his word for the little things, will nevertheless keep it for the big ones ?
He had committed himself to do X, and he did not . No major damage, nobody is dead, but... can you trust someone like this when he says " Oh no, I would never cheat on you even if I had an easy chance " ? Or " Don't worry, you go out and I'll watch the baby, I'll make sure that he is fed and diapered and out of the arm's way " ? Or just " I checked the condoms, they are intact and not expired yet ? ":)
Maybe. Maybe not. Some people are unreliable in the little things but can act responsible for the big ones. But some others are just unreliable all the time, they just tell you whatever is convenient for them to get and do what they want.
Which one is the OP's bf, I don't know. But in her shoes , I'd keep my eyes wide open from now on. " Laid back " sounds like a great quality in theory, in practice very often it is just the way how people define their taking excessive liberties with YOUR time, money and belongings...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): Yes ask for your money.Do not loan him anymore unless you are fine giving it away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said I would lend him the money but asked when I would get it back and he said next time he saw me. I also pick him up and drop him off as he doesn't drive. I make him food and buy wine and paid for us to go out for a meal.I never ask for money towards any of that. He does have savings and as I am a single parent I'm hardly rolling in it myself. He said he had transferred the money into my bank but it hasn't cleared,it might just be an error i guess....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): Come on its only £20 do not dump him over that how ridiculous. .. just don't lend him any more if it annoys you so much...but being in a relationship is about the good and bad and he's fallen on hard times your ment to support him .. clearly you don't love him enough .. leave him
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 August 2017):
Tell him that he can be as laid back as he wants with his OWN money, not with other people's !
And he may not have been aware that the money was to be given back "with urgency", but hopefully he is aware of the words which come out of his mouth ? "I'll do X next time I see you " means ... next time I see you,- not next month or next year or whenever he feels it's the right time.
He could have said , the famous " next time " - " oh btw , that 20 I owe you- is not urgent, right ? You don't happen to need it back at once , I guess ..." and you could have told him whether he had guessed right or wrong. That would have been the bare minimum, in terms of correct behaviour , for a person who borrows money. But he chose instead to keep you hanging, in the correct assumption that you were going to feel awkward and be reluctant in bringing this up ( as you were, otherwise you would not have asked advice ), so buying himself extra time .
Again, it's not about the money per se , I imagine that this was not your last 20 £ note, with no more to come . But it's the concept, the mentality behind this little fact, which I find disturbing. You like to call it " laid back ". Personally, I'd use a more fitting, and less indulgent, definition.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said he was aware he owed me it and didn't realise it had to be given back with urgency. He is a laidifferent back kind of person so I do think it's just the way he is but thank you for all advice :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2017): If he is not working probably he doesn't have it to pay it back. TBH you don't seem to care much for him so money aside,why waste your time on him. I would say don't ask him,the amount don't deserve the bother. dump him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 August 2017):
 Yep, ask him. The longer you wait the more likely it is you will never see it.
So ask.
And in the future (after you get your money back) don't loan him money if he can't remember to pay you back of his own volition.
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (24 August 2017):
ASK FOR THE MONEY.
Although you will risk to have an unwanted argument.
A better option, is to NOT LEND HIM ANY MONEY, until he pays you back that amount first.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 August 2017):
Yes, ask him. You may think it's petty, since the amount is so modest, and since ,if he is still not working, most probably he still can't pay you back. I suppose you do noy want to embarass him.. pointlessly , since you are not getting your money back anyway .
But if you call him out on this, you help him to learn that he must say what he means and mean what he says.
If he had told you " I 'll give you the 20 back as soon as I get a new job " - I doubt you would have refused him a loan, you'd just would have set out to wait and be patient.
Anyway, a honest person would have risked getting a " no " for an answer. He instead just focused on grabbing the money , promising you something that he was from from sure he could deliver. The important to him was to get some cash, screw your convenience and screw sincerity.
It may look like a small thing, and a small amount, but it's the principle that counts : you don't bullshit people, you don't bullshit people who kindly helps you out, and most of all you don't bullshit your own girlfriend.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (24 August 2017):
Yes, I would remind him. Things like this are all too easy for the debtor to forget unless they are occasionally reminded. But take a soft approach and don't yet pressure him. He probably can't pay it back if he isn't working.
You should curtail any future loans unless you are willing and able to write them off. From here on out, it is your fault if you never get repaid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2017): Dont ask for it back at all. But similarly dont lend him any more! Just tell him your all out of cash due to paying off a loan and stash the money he would get out of you into a secret bank account.See how it would add up over time.This guy is not on the same page as you are or he would have returned the money when he said he would.The fact that you ask us this indicates you are from the school of thought that its best never to be a lender or borrower!You take his words literally but he is a 'soon come' sort who probably never intends to repay you and expects you to believe that with his wonderful company you deserve to willingly give him £20 here and there, rather like "pretty tax!"You know what I mean I hope!Pretty girls expect guys to fork out for them all the time!So do some men!Others would return £20 next time he saw you .Or when they next had money in their hands!If he doesnt repay you it might be best to chalk it up to experience and different expectations.You might have to drop him off at the nearest post box with a "thankyou for a lovely day!" smile!
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