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Should I really start planning a future with him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 23 February 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, *strov writes:

Hello! My boyfriend and I are both 20 and met at his hometown in Denmark in October before we took the relationship to long distance. So far he was my first everything-my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first time having sex (i don't regret losing my virginity to him. I was the one who asked to have sex with him). Ive never been so comfortable and clicked so well with a guy, and I can really see a future with him. He will be in school for about 3 more years whereas I graduate university in one more year With my boyfriend now in my life, I can see that after I graduate, I can work hard to move to Denmark and start the next stage of my life. I almost have the idea in my mind that I could possibly move in with him and split the rent and physically be together. However, I don't want to sound crazy for this sort of "planning." We have only been in a relationship for 4 months! I am trying to keep a level head about this, but so far I find myself looking into programs and opportunities in Denmark for when I graduate. Ever since I was little, I always wanted to live in Northern Europe. I still have that wish. I understand the stress and hard work I would need to do to live there legally, and I know everything is not perfect there but I would be still be willing to do the whole process. Im stressed about needing to plan for my future work in the states but what happens if there is really future with him? I'd choose the second option, but I wouldn't know. Am I thinking too much with my heart?

View related questions: long distance, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (23 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you spoke to him about your plans? I do think you are planning a lot with your heart, you both might not even be together next year. It is okay to plan and look in to the future but I also think you should plan for you and your future. Not based on a relationship. Also in that four months how often do you see each other? How often will you both see each other from now on? Once a month? A year? Because that will determine if the relationship will last also as you both need to be planning as LDR are extremely hard, even with couples who have distance created after being together years.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (19 February 2017):

chigirl agony auntPS. Denmark is a lovely country. I am day dreaming of having a summer house there. I have family in Denmark, and as a kid I went there many a summer vacation. You will find it very different from the states, but it is an affordable country to live in (unlike Norway, which is really too expensive). It had nice weather, good food, the atmosphere is relaxed and people friendly. If you like mountain hiking, come to Norway. That's all we do here. But if you like relaxing and enjoying yourself by traveling, Denmark is the perfect choice. So close to the rest of Europe, easy access to other countries for travel, cheaper housing, affordable (although a bit bohemian) living. I think you'd enjoy yourself.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (19 February 2017):

chigirl agony auntI say go for it. But also have a Plan B. Don't go there JUST for him. Go there and be happy for YOU. If you can see yourself following through with the plans of moving to Denmark, living there, findinsg work there, even WITHOUT your boyfriend, then I see no problem at all with researching and following through with these plans.

What I am against is if you actually wanted something else in life, and giving that up for him. No man is worth giving up your dreams for. Never. So if there is ever a conflict of doing what you want, versus following a man, you should always do what you want. And I say this because women are being taught by society to be less than a man, to always follow a man, to always want little for ourselves albeit supporting the man, and we are somehow seen as less in value if we do not have a man. So to fight this, women need to stand firm on their own two feet and dare to follow their own dreams and pursue their own goals. You are worth pursuing your dreams, you have the right to do what YOU want to do. Although society is far too eager to criticize a woman who does what she wants, despite what her family wants for her, or what a boyfriend wants for her.

As long as you do what YOU want, then go for it. Plan your future with him, but do it only so that your future planning also looks great and amazing for you, even if you were single. Do not ever compromise on what would benefit YOU, just because it might benefit him some more. Unless married, you get nothing back if you make sacrifices for a man, because he would not be obliged to make sacrifices in return. ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL SACRIFICES.

As far as the relationship goes, no LDR can survive unless you have a plan to some day be together and not long distance. Planning on when and how to be together is the only way to maintain an LDR and keep it alive. So it's not too soon at all to PLAN. You're not going to move to him next month, you're just planning ahead. Overall planning in good. But make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to the plans.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI think you need to stop planning so far ahead on a new relationship. Slow down *massively*.

Secondly, plan to live alone, if you move to Denmark. Too many people go from long distance and not being able to meet regularly, to living together 24/7. It's too risky and most burn out fast.

If you want to live in Northern Europe, close the distance without moving in with him. Be independent, not move your life out there, break up and be floundering. Then spend 6+ months dating properly.

I'm in an LDR and he's lived with me and my family before, but only because he wasn't moving countries and could have moved in with his parents, if we'd broken up.

Do not move countries without a back-up plan for potentially breaking up. Also, do not move abroad without having spent at least a year studying the language.

I think you're pulling the cart before the horse here. You could break up in 1 month, 10, a year, etc. Back up, focus on your studies, start learning the language if you're still together in 8 months, then move out there *independently* a year later - don't just move in with him.

If you can't do it responsibly and the right way, it's not worth doing. Please keep your feet on the ground - you're running away with a fantasy, right now.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (18 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Everything is not perfect there ? Well, everything is not perfect in USA either :)- and said by one who loves USA very much. And if you always had a dream to live in Northern Europe, sure , keep the vision alive, who says that your dream cannot come true soon.

Just ( I am in total agreement with Honeypue ) 1 ) slow down. Take it easy. See how it goes. You have only been dating 4 months ! A bit too early for thinking of turning your life upside down, with a reasonable chance of success.

2 ) work to make your wishes and goals come true, but for you !, not for this dude, or for any dude, as for that. You can start studying Danish ( if you are attracted by the idea of living there regardless) for instance, or get infos about post graduate programs there if they fit in your interests and life plan,-but do not sort out study / work / career opportunities which you may have in your country. In other words- do your thing first, you need to reach your goals and build your future anyway, with or without this guy. Then, if and when things develop in a way that combines " alluring perspective " with " solid, viable chances " - you can arrange to move there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think there is anything wrong in looking at the big picture when you are in an LDR but it's ONLY been 4 months. Before you go totally overboard, I'd see what can be done with saving up for visits both ways, you back to Denmark and him to the US.

I'd also suggest that at SOME point after 12+ months that you work on learning Danish. Of course, most Danes speak English, but.. in order to get a job with career opportunities in Denmark you NEED to speak the language. (by the by, I'm Danish born and raised but married an American - so yes I know how it goes)

Maybe a more realistic notion is when you are DONE with university (in that one year's time) look and see what options you have to work/live/move abroad. REGARDLESS of this LDR. You could also look into various study programs that could be open to your degree. Be aware that not all American degrees are recognized in Denmark (and vice verse).

Don't put a DUDE above your own plans, hopes, and dreams. There are MILLIONS of dudes out there, only one of you. :)

For now? Take it easy, go slow.

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